Sometimes I wonder if I suffer from more than depression and anxiety. I mean, where does all my chronic paranoia and lack of ability to trust people come from? I guess that could be social anxiety, but if it was just that why would I also be so mistrusting of my husband, who's done nothing to me that was meant to be hurtful?

Sure, he's hurt me by mistake, he's hurt me thinking he meant well. He's lost control at times when frustrated with me. He's made decisions that put me in precarious position with immigration and at one point I got therapy when he broke up with me, both of which are old news by now anyway. But never once has he really set out to cause me pain, only reacted to pain I caused him one way or another, or acted out of worry for me.

I know that, but it doesn't change things. Why?

I was recently IMed by Danae's player who said some very nice things about Coils. It was kind of embarrassing, but flattering.

Grey said some nice stuff too, though, and it seems I've inspired him to start running stuff on RPoL also! That's great!! I always thought he'd appreciate RPoL as a medium, as he and I are both relatively slow and perfectionist posters, particularly as STs. And it IS definitely one of the better RP forum boards out there. (I will definitely be donating to them, when Jon and I have more income coming in.) Though now I've RTJed in two games -- another Abyssal one which I hope will be Huntress's new home, and Grey's Heroic Mortal game. More character sheets to make! n.n

Five Coils was doing ok despite my paranoia the past few days, but now I've introduced the next part of the game and I'm worried it'll make the game stall. *sigh* I can hardly sleep for fear of that. I am so afraid I'll ruin things! I have great players and creative minds but what if I can't inspire them to post?

wtf, I go out, try to have a normal day despite the crap circumstances of my life. then I go to the pharmacy and some stupid *bitch* asks if I'm a tourist because I don't understand or answer her French which was way too fast for me.

(more bitching below, i'm not happy right now)

Sanity low, hopelessness high...

I am going to take the next week to try and figure out my fate. Basically going to try and start the college app process despite the massive setbacks I'm still facing (no working phone number, no bank account, no health card and etc.) so I can at least have something I can feel is progression in life.

I may also be
- working on dice roller; with some suggestions from Kraken I am taking a slightly different and hopefully easier approach. But it also requires some AJAX... ewww. (And why does the name 'AJAX' even exist? I mean, AJAX = DHTML, pretty much.)
- putting up Paypal donation button. Money is needed. :(
- considering buying webspace based in Canada and actually starting up a low-pay web hosting service.
- playing Atlantica (Aemris @ Macedon server) and RPoL games when taking a break from work/responsibilities.

I ended up writing a long email to my mom today.

While doing so I was trying to explain why I didn't want contact with my... other parent. While I was writing it, I recounted some of the symptoms I have that are signs of emotional trauma in the past:

- chronic stress pains, trouble sleeping
- nightmares of being intimidated / threatened by him
- fear of loud, sudden noises (similar to PTSD in war veterans, I explained)
- debilitating anxiety when faced with others' expectations, even if imagined
- inappropriate guilt and worthlessness (further exacerbated by my depression)

I thought to myself, writing all this out, "you know what... if I didn't know me and I read that, I'd think the person who wrote it was abused."