ryshassa

Hrmmm... tomorrow I may be going out for the whole day! gasp! (well, today, now). Nothing big, just going to walk around and stuff. Maybe do a lil' shopping. And go out for dinner. It snowed yesterday though, so I'm expecting it to be cold!

I feel a little apprehensive leaving my RPoL games for too long, mostly because I still have that leftover, paranoic worry that people will forget about them if I don't post. Usually, though, even if I'm gone a day I can still post before bed. o.o

Right now I have three games, too. Three RPoL games is not *that* much in comparison to three real time games. But it can be a lot of work.

I was able to get Grey to join Five Coils, which makes me all happy!!! I am kinda nervous whether he will like it -- he's coming back to forum gaming after years away from it. But we'll see. I ended up accepting more players than I thought so I have people to fall back on if someone ends up not liking it or dropping.

Yeah. I think I really enjoy it. o.o It's just involved enough to keep me happy, and doesn't keep me so busy I can't walk away from it when I need to. But doesn't trigger my anxiety much at all. It has, once or twice, but I have sufficient time to deal with it as necessary.

That said, I have this freaking urge to start Lion-Bull War already. I dunno. I just... really need forum games right now. And these games really do something to keep me focused and not utterly crushingly depressed for some reason. I REALLY would like anyone interested in playing LBW to inform me right away though, because I always prefer to take people I know over people I don't. :(

I'm also worried I may end up too obsessed with RP to even pay attention to anything else in my life, which is NOT good. But... "anything else in my life" is pretty much utter shit right now, and I lose a little bit more of my sanity every time I even think about it.

I ended up writing a long email to my mom today.

While doing so I was trying to explain why I didn't want contact with my... other parent. While I was writing it, I recounted some of the symptoms I have that are signs of emotional trauma in the past:

- chronic stress pains, trouble sleeping
- nightmares of being intimidated / threatened by him
- fear of loud, sudden noises (similar to PTSD in war veterans, I explained)
- debilitating anxiety when faced with others' expectations, even if imagined
- inappropriate guilt and worthlessness (further exacerbated by my depression)

I thought to myself, writing all this out, "you know what... if I didn't know me and I read that, I'd think the person who wrote it was abused."

I've seen more than one example now of people playing Zeniths that seem to equate the Unconquered Sun with the Christian God, and Solars as Jesus and/or his disciples. Something like that surfaced recently in a RP I'm in, and I find it difficult to suspend my belief whenever I encounter people playing Zeniths that way.

- First of all, it's totally OOC.
- Second, other gods in Exalted are not 'false'; the setting is bonafide polytheistic.
- Third, the UCS is not the Creator. The Primordials were there before him and the other Incarna.
- Fourth, the UCS is not perfect or infallible. Guess who's spending his immortal days addicted to the Games of Divinity? :P
- Fifth, there are other types of Exalted, Chosen by Luna, the Maidens, the Dragons. Are they now 'false' Exalts, too? Their powers are certainly real in the game setting!

Hrm hrm. I'm being lazy. :( I feel bad about it. But I also REALLY needed it. I just have to be able to kick myself out of it by this week.

I seem to be getting a lot of RP opportunities lately, thanks to friends. :D Kalli's starting to poke about starting a Space Navy game using Dragonstar d20 rules (I discovered, much to my happy surprise, that I really LIKE the Dragonstar setting). And Selina wants to play something with Jon and me, possibly Japanese historical in Heian or Sengoku period, or another shot at L5R.

Mostly, though, it's just been DR and RPoL.

There are sometimes images that can evoke strong reactions in me, no matter how long I go without seeing or remembering them.

I had a moment like that a couple days ago that I wanted to write about, because it actually stunned me for several minutes and stuck with me until I went to bed that day.

[TMI - pretty squicky :/ involves a great deal of talk about vomiting, and some mention of non-consensual sexual fantasies.]

The Twilight Ball in DR was (amazingly) pretty fun. Ryshy and Alexsei were there all the way until people were booted out of the Keep 'cause the event was over.

Mostly Alexsei was introducing her to tons and tons of people and she was being all sociable and happy for once. Heh, who knew it. Maybe it was all the wine she drank and cake she ate. She and Alexsei had a couple dances on the floor too, though once he started dancing with others Ryshy was pretty much nonexistant to everyone else -_^

Only two people actually noticed the gown, too. Two, maybe three, I dunno. It's an original, but well, Ryshy is kind of not-noticeable I guess. Alexsei's outfit was pretty hawt though, and the cane got him a lot of attention.

Kalli's leaving tomorrow... I guess I've not been very much in the mood to post.

I've been irritable for the past few days. One could say that I have trouble trusting people and thus my first thought is to assume they think ill of me, or think me a burden. I'm very paranoid about that, and enough suspicion on my part can make me just want to disappear.

I feel like I can say little to anyone lately. :/ I've been making an effort to, lately, especially now that I won't be talking Kalli's ear off, but my urge is just to be withdrawn. Maybe it's the big change coming up for me (note: we are indeed moving August 1st.) I have no idea. I know I ought not to discredit my friends -- there are people that truly care about me. But I get paranoid they might change their minds, so I keep a certain distance. Maybe they're just saying x just to be nice, is what my depression says.

So I spend most of my time playing Dragonrealms and Sims 2.

So I've been letting myself rest... it's nice. ^^

Today I've just been playing Etrian Odyssey 2, messing with DR and chatting with peoples.

I found out there is interest in me making a Tower Between Worlds MUD again. :O It looks like it might be based on Smaug, which happens to be one of the types of muds I've never played. Figures! It's more of the hack n' slash type, so there will be actual potential for combat and character advancement, unlike previous Tower projects. *boggles at this*

But it'll be a small project, more like a playground for a few of us to mess with building and writing descriptions and such. Mostly it'll be Eni and Kalli and me, it looks like. Maybe others if there is interest.

Dunno yet when it'll be set up -- probably next month? Or Sept? So let me know if working on Tower MUD interests you.

...well, to be honest it's something I've wanted to actually redo for a while. The Caduceus site, I mean.

Here's the main page that I've already shown before, and the actual journal part. The purpose of the journal will be for Jon and I to write in-character things about Ryshy and Alexsei, to help us flesh out how we'll separate them from Exalted's Creation and into Eskarne (my original setting for the Anthegenia Cycle, and yes, also the name I gave the Great Bird in Reborn Again. It means "Mercy".)

For the user profiles, I ended up using a nifty Nucleus plugin for customizable profiles. Even if there'll only ever be two users for the Caduceus, I just had to get it done *right*. ^^;

I went through a few different and interesting blog software and CMSs before settling back with Nucleus, one of my staple favorites: