Sometimes I wonder if I suffer from more than depression and anxiety. I mean, where does all my chronic paranoia and lack of ability to trust people come from? I guess that could be social anxiety, but if it was just that why would I also be so mistrusting of my husband, who's done nothing to me that was meant to be hurtful?

Sure, he's hurt me by mistake, he's hurt me thinking he meant well. He's lost control at times when frustrated with me. He's made decisions that put me in precarious position with immigration and at one point I got therapy when he broke up with me, both of which are old news by now anyway. But never once has he really set out to cause me pain, only reacted to pain I caused him one way or another, or acted out of worry for me.

I know that, but it doesn't change things. Why?

I just keep losing connection randomly, or it just gets incredibly slow. I was gone almost all weekend because of it. So my apologies if I keep popping in and out or disappearing for a while.

I need to do some mysql tweaking later. Here's a link... just basic changes, really. I should possibly even be using something other than mysql... but I'll work with what I have first, mostly because I am not going to convert ALL of my mysql-using apps right now. It's possible the short term changes may speed up my site (I hope!)

In RP news...
- Five Coils is on a hiatus. I'm hoping it will not be a permanent one, I said I'd see how I feel in a week or so.
- Outcastes is on an enforced 3 day a week schedule meaning I am updating it tomorrow!
- Academy is... weird, people suddenly stopped posting much at all. I'm not sure if it's just me being paranoid or what, I addressed it but now I'm worried people will think I'm a freak-o for asking.

Inglourious Basterds was... an awesome, awesome movie. The only problem was that it also triggered my anxiety a lot (I mean what's not anxiety-inducing about Jew hunts in Nazi-occupied France, eeeeeeek *shivers*) I wish I could have turned off my anxiety reflexes cause if not for that, and the really annoyingly noisy couple on my left side, I would have enjoyed the experience thoroughly.

While the movie handled really grim and violent topics it didn't take itself too incredibly seriously. I guess dark humor is the right name for it. Though I didn't really feel the movie did a disservice to the terrors of the Holocaust (in fact the end, or near end of the movie could even be considered cathartic for that!) Of course I don't have family who suffered through it so I wouldn't be the one to truly judge.

Brad Pitt's character was a great deal of comic relief (I think that accent had to be bad on purpose) but his character isn't even the main focus for most of the movie itself. Well he's a big name actor, so it makes sense his face gets plastered on all the ads and reviews though!

What might have been an otherwise nice break was ruined by my new check card (which I received only a few days ago) having some sort of glitch and nearly keeping me from being able to pay for last night's dinner.

It made me very upset and insecure. I wish I had another source of money. :(

Supposedly it should be fixed by tomorrow but I'm very angry about it still. First the bank sends me a card with a mistaken expiration date. Then there's some sort of Visa "network glitch" the first time I actually use the card. Now I'm paranoid it's just not going to work at all and I'll have no source of money at all.

It's supposed to still work for my online fees regardless, but it still makes me upset that these apparent circumstances are conspiring to make me very insecure and miserable.

Sooo yeah. I'm going to order the server in the next few hours.

I'm almost done with backups. Everyone who didn't tell me they do their own backups should be... backed up!

Sorry for the huge delay, but I got all sicky and that messed me up a lot. (Now I got Jon sick. Figures!) And I got all stressed out about money related things, but I think... hope! that this is resolved now. Well, I guess I will find out. :( If not, I may need to go and poke around for another money source to keep site up for a month or so until I get another source.

The problem is mainly because, due to the horrifyingly extreme delay I've had in getting any sort of identification, I don't have a local bank account. I have to depend on my parents to actually send me my ATM/credit card from the U.S... and as you all know, dealing with my parents+money in any way is unhappy times for me.