masochism

Actually, I'm getting better now. But yesterday I was pretty sick, and it sucked! I just sat here and ate a lot and drank a lot of fluids and took medicine. My body's already fought most of it off by today which is neat.

Poor Jon was sick longer than me. But he didn't even get any medicine. :( I should have bought it for him before but I was still all agoraphobic. I'm making him take the rest of my medicine now though.

Also: You people who are using my posts about sexual addiction to advertise an escort service are really messed up, k? I mean, that's like going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with a bunch of booze! "Hey guys, drink this! Your addiction needs quenching!!" :D :D I'm finding my CAPTCHA isn't deterring these, I had 3 distinct cases of this occurring. I will continue to erase them personally though, and if need be take greater measures!

Trying to write out my feelings after moving to Montreal is, again, something I've had a hard time putting in words.

My impressions of the city itself are easy enough. I like it so far... or at least the small part of downtown I live in, 'cause I've not had the opportunity to go very far yet. Hard to do really, what with all the errands we still have left, and a lack of money.

The conveniences here are better than I had in Quebec City. We have a grocery store just a couple blocks away. Few blocks in the opposite direction is a mall and the closest subway station. Within walking distance, there's plenty of other malls and restaurants. Same with my college of choice (it's only one subway stop away, so it's more worth walking it unless the weather truly blows.)

Technically we're moving on August 2nd now, 'cause the landlady said she has emergency things on Friday to deal with. But we really have to stop being lazy and push to do the rest of the packing on the 1st... so I don't plan to be online much if at all.

That said, the past couple days have not been all that great...

Well, I'm a bit better today. Probably going to be pretty distracted today though... I threw off my sleeping pattern when I had to lie down. I was so sick with stress I was too weak to get up for several hours.

I did rest though, and I talked a lot to Jon and spent time with him. I always worry about the repercussions when my frustration gets the better of me, or my paranoia, my trust and control issues, my anxiety or so on. He is so often my target, because 1) he lives with me, and 2) he is probably the only person I'd hope would still talk to me after I show him my cruelest and most selfish side.

I'm the type of person to expect people to hate, abandon, or discredit me. As friendly and accepting as I can be, I'm very hard to get close to. I'll purposefully withdraw from people when I feel too asocial or anxious. It's easy for me to just disappear, when I don't expect anyone to miss me.

I don't know if this is what dying of stress is supposed to feel like.

My chest has this pressure on it and it's hard to breathe. My left arm and leg are numb and the extremities are prickly. It's kind of like I'm having a panic attack but without the feeling of impending doom.

I don't really feel like doing anything right now. I want to lie down or just go catatonic and not care about anything. On the other hand, I can get myself to do small things. Like, I wrote a RPoL post. Probably the only real effort I made today.

I spent part of the afternoon indulging myself...

(Named thus because I was writing this while listening to Diamanda's Guilty Guilty Guilty.)

I didn't like the Emberdays session this time. I have to confess it was really hard for me to run. I just don't have much confidence in it, I guess? But I did get it done.

I get frustrated with my anxiety problems though. Seriously, with games, I get all these great ideas that look awesome when I think them up and write them out, but I totally *freak out* when I run stuff. Every time I have to go through a difficult panic attack before or during running a game, or have to force myself into running despite apprehension or weariness, I end up thinking to myself: why am I even doing this?

The answer is simple: because I love creating... I love thinking up stories and building worlds and playing NPCs and bringing people into the worlds I imagine.

But why it has to be such a drain... well that's a different thing altogether.

It's a mystery how people behave
How they long for a life as a slave

Jon went and pulled out my Cardigans albums and I've been listening to them lately. It interests me how that band started out being known for these rather sugary-pop songs (at least in the U.S., where I first heard them) and ended up producing such darkly beautiful love songs. Like "Paralyzed" on Gran Turismo, "Please Sister" on Long Gone Before Daylight (which Kraken says is his favorite song. I don't blame him!) and "And Then You Kissed Me" parts I and II (the first on Long Gone, the second on Super Extra Gravity, which I just finished listening to.)

Yesterday made me rather grumpy.

It's not even anything in particular. Just things that are slowly starting to wear at me emotionally.

Various conversations.
RP issues.
Stuff.

I can't say much detail here... there's personal things involved. In at least one case it's someone fairly close to me.

[TMI warning: Themes of abuse, graphic descriptions of sexually demeaning fantasies, etc. The really graphic parts are labeled.]

It's raining outside...
storming actually.

I started my period. I haven't even packed yet. =_=

I ended up caught in some sort of depressive phase before I went to bed because sis was talking to me about... a certain member of my family, and I just...

...

Well... the bad stuff is more personal. I'm going to play it safe and just call it family problems. Also involving money.

It got me very, very upset though, and pretty much screwed me for getting ANYTHING ready for Soul Collectors, and I ALSO have to run ED tomorrow. So I'm... not sure what's going to happen with SC now. Jon keeps insisting I shouldn't run, but I REALLY, badly don't want to cancel.

I mean, it just feels even WORSE to cancel a game that only runs EVERY OTHER WEEK. *sigh* I am made of fail... I mean, wtf. Should have stuck to finishing it earlier instead of procrastinating / working on other RPs. Needless to say, I'm just going to run it anyway. I just feel *obligated* to. Going to mean a very sleepless Friday.