jon

...and I had a great meal (mmm, calamari, and linguine al vongole... yeah, I like my seafood). We came back with a 6 pack of Guinness and I am probably going to get buzzed, haha. Go Asian alcohol tolerance! :P

I also bought the Anima: Beyond Fantasy RPG book. I'm actually really excited about trying it. I've had my eye on this book for a little while now and I think it may be even better suited for Reborn Again (with a little fudging of course, since it's more fantasy than modern, and would need some race additions possibly). Even if not, I think I like the system/setting enough that I might like to run it for some other original concept.

It's a game that has an anime feel, but isn't anime from the foreign fan's point of view, which is kinda what stuff like BESM and Exalted feel like now and then. (Exalted, to this day, names Ninja Scroll as an inspiration, and that makes me VERY VERY sad. Ugh.)

Hrmmm... tomorrow I may be going out for the whole day! gasp! (well, today, now). Nothing big, just going to walk around and stuff. Maybe do a lil' shopping. And go out for dinner. It snowed yesterday though, so I'm expecting it to be cold!

I feel a little apprehensive leaving my RPoL games for too long, mostly because I still have that leftover, paranoic worry that people will forget about them if I don't post. Usually, though, even if I'm gone a day I can still post before bed. o.o

Right now I have three games, too. Three RPoL games is not *that* much in comparison to three real time games. But it can be a lot of work.

I was able to get Grey to join Five Coils, which makes me all happy!!! I am kinda nervous whether he will like it -- he's coming back to forum gaming after years away from it. But we'll see. I ended up accepting more players than I thought so I have people to fall back on if someone ends up not liking it or dropping.

Actually, I'm getting better now. But yesterday I was pretty sick, and it sucked! I just sat here and ate a lot and drank a lot of fluids and took medicine. My body's already fought most of it off by today which is neat.

Poor Jon was sick longer than me. But he didn't even get any medicine. :( I should have bought it for him before but I was still all agoraphobic. I'm making him take the rest of my medicine now though.

Also: You people who are using my posts about sexual addiction to advertise an escort service are really messed up, k? I mean, that's like going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with a bunch of booze! "Hey guys, drink this! Your addiction needs quenching!!" :D :D I'm finding my CAPTCHA isn't deterring these, I had 3 distinct cases of this occurring. I will continue to erase them personally though, and if need be take greater measures!

So we went out for Jon's 28th birthday. Just me and him, of course. We don't really have any friends here and I'm not very social any more. But I don't mind it just being the two of us.

We went out walking around in downtown Montreal. We didn't actually get out the door till almost 6 pm (laziness, mostly, slept in a lot 'cause Jon is ill), but still had fun. I got to buy Jon a new outfit and he looks good in it! And I bought him a necklace he thought was cool, too.

Then we had dinner at Reuben's, it's a steakhouse close to the mall we went to. Great food and service. I had a ribeye steak and Jon ordered a steak and cheese sandwich. We shared a 'chop-chop' poutine which was whoa! awesomely good! ('chop-chop' is apparently chopped smoked meat, I've never heard it called that before though.) Had to bring most back home 'cause we got so full from the poutine and salad.

First of all, thanks Sho. This is old news, a bit, but I got your donation and I really, really appreciate it.

Second, I am starting to formulate in my mind the possibility of leaving the country by January 2009. After weeks upon weeks of horrible arguments and despair I can only think that I can't survive like this for another year or even another half year.

So I've given myself January 15 as a deadline. That's the last day I'm going to wait, because past then it will be hard for me to apply for college here next Fall, too. And I really can't wait months and months longer. It's already been 4 years. It's more than enough. I need therapy and I need a sense of REAL accomplishment in my life for once.

If I leave Canada, though, I think it will be to never return. And I will very likely never seen my husband again. But there's nothing to be done. I have to choose to make my life better if no one else will.

Recently my husband mentioned that someone emailed him anonymously about his treatment of me. He wasn't even meaning to tell me, and he didn't complain about it either, it just happened to come up. He deleted it. He already knows people think that he is not good to me, he already believes he's practically a failure when it comes to helping my depression; he even has *me* to tell him (over and over) when I am displeased.

But if you're going to say things like that about him, please don't do it anonymously. Honestly that makes it come off as threatening -- and I don't mean to Jon, he wasn't even half as disturbed by it as I was. (I have had a very negative experience with anonymous hatemail before. This time wasn't hatemail, per se, but the idea of some faceless person passing judgment on my life and loved ones is ...disturbing, to say the least.)

Sanity low, hopelessness high...

I am going to take the next week to try and figure out my fate. Basically going to try and start the college app process despite the massive setbacks I'm still facing (no working phone number, no bank account, no health card and etc.) so I can at least have something I can feel is progression in life.

I may also be
- working on dice roller; with some suggestions from Kraken I am taking a slightly different and hopefully easier approach. But it also requires some AJAX... ewww. (And why does the name 'AJAX' even exist? I mean, AJAX = DHTML, pretty much.)
- putting up Paypal donation button. Money is needed. :(
- considering buying webspace based in Canada and actually starting up a low-pay web hosting service.
- playing Atlantica (Aemris @ Macedon server) and RPoL games when taking a break from work/responsibilities.

In RP, anyway. I've been playing Huntress in my Abby RPoL game again and it's *really* cathartic right now. Particularly the hunting, killing and eating mortals part. Hmm, sounds kind of Digital Devil Saga-ish. :P

But I've just had a really rough day. REALLY rough. "I want to crawl into a hole and die" rough. I've got this all-consuming rage inside me for the continued delays on my documents, and I feel constantly stifled from expressing it because Jon wants me to RATIONALIZE. And he asks me why I ask him all these questions and put him on the spot -- well, he's the one handling all those responsibilities, so who else am I supposed to ask? He has the gall to suggest I take care of it myself, when if I was in a state to do so (i.e. not anxious, etc.) I would have done it myself *from the start*.

This morning, I had another one of those "Jon convinces me it's better we break up" dreams. They always seem scarier in dreams. In RL I've almost hardened myself to the idea... not that it's ever happened again. But I mean, my fears if Jon and I broke up tend to more be about how well I'll be able to take care of myself. Practical fears.

I wonder if that's because I disbelieve he'd really leave me, or because I'm really turning apathetic. Well, maybe apathetic is the wrong word, too. The one time Jon and I broke up was such a traumatic time, it's easier to just block it out.

We finally got our Playstation 3 from Amazon! My father-in-law bought it as a gift for my husband and me. An early birthday present, I guess. ^^ Jon's birthday is November 10, after all. *hugs her husband* I will have to write a thank you for my inlaws. Hmm!

Gah and it's cold right now. I wish I could snuggle him actually. Brrrr. Fall weather. It's actually colder in this apartment than it used to be in our old one, but that's probably 'cause we have so many windows. Going to have to bundle up and wear blankets and stuff when it gets winter-y.

Ah but back to the topic. We bought Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots to play with our shiny new PS3. So we may be kinda, like... very much absent for the next couple days. :D At least until Sunday 'cause I have Wardragon then, and also arranged a meeting in DR with a couple of friends in the White Rose.

Edit: Phantasy Star 0 is coming for DS in Japan. o.O I am half miffed because it's more PSO ish than pre-Phantasy Star 1, but... I still want it. :P Eventually!