emberdays

I went out again today, to make a phone call about my check card. The bank told me I have to wait until a month before the expiration 'cause that's when they send the new one out. I tried to get them to send it sooner but they wouldn't. :( So I have to wait and get my parents to forward it next July.

I'm liking that I've been out every day the past three days. Just doing little things at a time, but I'm doing things and I'm getting less anxious. Definitely need more time and exposure to being outside to build my confidence, though.

Next Jan. I hope to finally get started on some French classes, since I won't be in university till the fall. (Again, assuming I get accepted, though I heard from my therapist not long ago that she already sent off the letters on my behalf. That's very encouraging.)

Mmm, I spent a while today playing in this awesome new MMO: Atlantica. It's a turn based strategy MMO set in some sort of alternate real world (maybe 1500s ish?), and I am enjoying it enough that I think it'll be a keeper. :D More about that later.

Oh and I went and messed with the PS3 for a bit also. Jon and I finished Metal Gear Solid 4 a little while ago, and since it's our only game (right now) we were poking around with the Playstation Store. Downloaded some free demos, including Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, which is *really* great fun to play. I had a blast with the controls, and marveling at the very real physics engine (force grip, whee!)

But first the bad stuff...

In RP, anyway. I've been playing Huntress in my Abby RPoL game again and it's *really* cathartic right now. Particularly the hunting, killing and eating mortals part. Hmm, sounds kind of Digital Devil Saga-ish. :P

But I've just had a really rough day. REALLY rough. "I want to crawl into a hole and die" rough. I've got this all-consuming rage inside me for the continued delays on my documents, and I feel constantly stifled from expressing it because Jon wants me to RATIONALIZE. And he asks me why I ask him all these questions and put him on the spot -- well, he's the one handling all those responsibilities, so who else am I supposed to ask? He has the gall to suggest I take care of it myself, when if I was in a state to do so (i.e. not anxious, etc.) I would have done it myself *from the start*.

I had no idea captcha was enabled for comments. Sorry people. I actually hadn't intended that, since there's already captcha for user registration and the mail forms. :P

Anyway, I will be going out today, gasp, probably to the Montreal planetarium! I've been locked inside too long writing code and RP posts, sheesh.

next things to work on
- Paypal donation button. Hopefully I don't chicken out on doing it again. Just to let people know, if I upgrade to the next level of VPS it'll be $60/month out of my pocket. Ouch, yeah. I expect to be slowly ramping up until I get a dedicated server, though, and those start at $100+ a month. (Also I won't be actually upgrading till my loans are squared away, so that may not be a couple months still.)
- bbpress dice roller plugin, 'nuff said. I'm all lazy after all the coding stress from the past couple days, but I really do want to get it done.
- Emberdays prep. Sheesh. I am so not sure how tomorrow will work out. But I'll give it a shot. :(

Sooo I don't know if I will be around much today, I'm going out to explore another part of Montreal. There's a big gaming store there and I want to see it. May buy a RPG book or two, we'll see.

Tomorrow there is a DR event (White Rose ball) which I absolutely must be around for. n.n I feel like I've been slacking on PSU lately but between my hermit-hiding and various other stuff, I haven't had time to play at all. :( :( I could actually play PSU like, earlier in the day on Saturday though. Or later tonight.

Emberdays - not sure yet. x.x I'm starting to feel more like wanting to run it (being in games where people are all "KILL/TAKE OVER THE REALM!!" makes me all in a Dynast-playing mood, heh) but I feel bad about all the delays. :/ I'll give word about it by the weekend.

Annoyingly, I have both my headache acting up again and my ear infection (which fortunately was minor enough that it seems to be healing ok on its own). Blech, hope today will be fun and not pain.

I'm feeling this strange mix of elation and self-disgust right now. It's probably because I'm 1) totally sleep deprived (let's see, I slept from 7-10 am), 2) had some ice tea and a few fig newtons so I'm all sugar high, 3) on sinus medicine (though that kind of faded, I think it's wearing off)

I really want to hide away, lately... I just feel sad that I spent an entire day doing nothing of note except write a freaking character profile. I'm not much in the mood to deal with people, even online. I even feel dumb cause I mailed Eni's mom back to give some message to Eni and realized "wtf I'm repetitive, she must think it's annoying" :P though I did hear the surgery went well I'm happy about that at least!

and again I have to consider Emberdays... but I just feel this lack of belief in it :/ it's really just slipping away from me... oh but on the positive side, and this is totally dorky and NOT at all to do with RL either (cut for spoilers if you care about Gundam SEED)

Well, I've mostly been relaxing this week, and I guess that's a good thing because I'm coming out of a really stressful high. I feel a little bad because I'm being pretty insular lately, hard to reach except in DR... but I really just need some time to myself.

I have an appointment to make my new bank account this Monday (good thing I'm not running ED that week), and I want to start my college application process in earnest by next month. I hope that I'll run Emberdays all right, too, because messing that up could affect my mood and confidence when it comes to accomplishing other more important things.

For now it's just been a lot of Dragonrealms, as I said. I'm either doing interviews for the White Rose, or training Talliska's survivals (at my last count, I need 10 scouting, 7 foraging, 6 climbing, 6 swimming, 6 evasion to catch up to the new Ranger requirements. Sounds like a lot but it was WAY worse before!)

Well, I've had a pretty hectic week and sadly, it's not even done yet. So don't expect me around till next week. :/

First of all, there were delays in getting the new apartment ready for us, so we had to wait for a few days for that. (Plumbing and etc.)

Then we finally had the clear to move but the movers weren't ready to go, so we could only bring what would fit into the car.

Except we didn't have a car any more, because apparently my old Saturn didn't pass the final inspection, and they basically told us ON the day we were going to move that my car had to be taken out of circulation.

So now my car's sitting in some junkyard somewhere, or already turned into scrap, after I obsessed for months over whether I'd ever get to see it again, whether it'd still work after sitting in a garage for all that time, and etc.

Well the move got pushed forward again, but it's a good thing, because we're not even done getting the place clean before heading out.

I feel kind of bad, because I told everyone I'd be moving today, but then plans changed. We still have some junk lying around, the walls are dirty, etc. so there's still work to be done. (Edited for clarity :P) But I COULD be around, since Jon is doing most of the heavy work due to me being a worthless loser. I even got on PSU yesterday cause I really, really wanted to try Max Attack G part 2 while we took a break from stuff. Just a couple hours, but still. :/

I feel my life is a waste unless I'm around for people or doing things for people. Maybe people need me around and I'm just flaking out. Like, am I going to come back online at the new place and realize people are upset at me because I could've been around on Fri or part of Sat but I wasn't?

The other thing on my mind right now is about Kalli.

Erm... well...

Sorry I've been really scarce online, just not much in the mood to be about what with the upcoming move and my mood lately. Honestly, I'm not even sure we'll get everything done that needs doing before Friday. Still a lot left unpacked and I hardly have any motivation to help. *sigh* Jon kept telling me I didn't have to help, and now we only have two days left with too many things still left unpacked. (I've actually been embellishing the truth with some people about just how much we have done, heh.)

I don't even know how we're bringing some of our stuff to Montreal ourselves, when I don't even have my car back or know whether it runs properly!