To summarize, I am...

- Taking a rpol break. Again.
- Bought Sims 3: Ambitions (love it, except that one save game crash) and Dragon Age (playing Human Mage path).
- Taking herbal supplements and vitamins while I still lack health care.
- Unsure what's going on with the money I'm owed. I'm STILL waiting indefinitely.
- Still doing Order recruiting duties in DR.
- Really feeling hermit-y right now. :(

I really wish I could work my troubles out and get my priorities straight. Like, I need to exercise more, I need to prepare for college, and generally just take care of myself better. But I feel bad about rpol games suffering, and my time in DR dwindling. I feel bad every time I feel compelled to take time off, so I never truly rest, and it means I have to take small breaks more often.

I feel like people complicate my life, sometimes. When I have to worry about what others think it drives me to distraction. I feel I can't rest, even when I need to. I always feel the need to compare myself to others. I hate that feeling, that I constantly have to prove myself, or feel guilty for not trying or inferior for not being good enough.

You know you've really got it bad when in a couple days, you go from "I'm fanning! whee!" to looking for pics on deviantart, to actually TRYING fanfiction.net (wtf? why did I DO that?) to searching posts in a kink meme hoping there's Damon Gant/Lana Skye fic in there somewhere.

There was some. But they were all by a single author. Most people think Gant/Lana is creepy, but Pyra's fics assume they had a relationship *before* he ended up doing all the murder/blackmail, when they were still the legendary detective duo.

I'm going through all the stages of fandom and I thought I was immune to this at age 31 (I wrote 'level 31' at first, which made me snicker.) I feel tooootally crazy.

And now my arm hurts because I've been searching for Ace Attorney (animated Gant icons, get!) and FF13 (Fang/Vanille! *ships it*) icons for HOURS today. Mostly because I'm really depressed about things and I'm trying to get my mind off of stuff. I'm pretty much worthless to do any sort of work at the moment. :(

I have more on my mind, but I think I have to express it when my brain is less scrambled. This week I'll just concentrate on rpol and video games, I think.

I found out a bit more today about a friend of mine I play DR with. Jon and I love to play with her, it's very fun RP and probably the most fun RPing I've had in quite a while.

Anyway we talked a bit about abuses we experienced in life. I felt a bit... weird about it because I've never really had any "real" abuse. It took me something like 27 years of my life to realize I could even classify what I went through as a form of abuse. I mean, there was no physical sign of it. There weren't bruises. There was no rape. I was terrorized, I had no self-confidence whatsoever as a result, but to everyone on the outside this was just a parent disciplining his child.

I wonder sometimes if that's why I ended up fantasizing about rape and physical abuse so much, because then it would be a "real" punishment. There's that part of me that wishes something like that had happened to me, because people can point at it and KNOW it's a bad thing to do. What do I really have to show? I feel like a weakling compared to people with stories of repeated physical and sexual abuse. To think that all that really drove me into the pit of depression were just words and threats!

I have a LOT to post about! Including a couple of long-ish posts I need to finish up and tack on here. n.n

For now, I just want to announce that I sent my new college app today. To be more accurate, Jon has done a lot of helping me through it this time, because I felt so discouraged at one point I really just felt giving up on my dream to finish college. I felt incredibly bad these past couple weeks. It's seriously been a while since I had a depressive episode that dark.

But I'm finally getting SOME forward motion here. Sent the app, and I got word from my lawyer that March 21 is the deadline for my documents and compensation. While I'm taking this with a grain of salt -- I've been given dates before only for them to preclude yet ANOTHER deadline -- he did reassure us that things are going very smoothly.

It's just the waiting that's hard. Having faith that things will work out. I'm a pessimist who has seen a lot of unexpectedly bad things come true. But I'd be lying if I said I ever lost my hope completely. Because if I did, I'd be dead.

I hope that my mood (and in turn my physical health) will continue to rise. I've even stepped outside a couple times, so that's a good sign! *crosses fingers*

Utena/Anthy hurt/comfort fic. I read one earlier today and got all "eeee~" about it.

I find it amusing that those two have to be one of my favorite couples in anime OF ALL TIME </kanye> but they're two girls. And I still consider myself straight!

Anyway, I never really thought their gender really mattered. In Revolutionary Girl Utena, that matters way less than the feelings between the characters. As I'm sure I've said before, I think that's what I like about it. Love that transcends gender. That concept has always fascinated me way more than loving, or being attracted to the male gender.

Lately I have been thinking again about my ideas to continue Reborn Again. How I wish there was enough energy and inspiration in my body to do that now! I still need to heal, mentally, though. Everyone's worried about me, because I'm always so worn out, to the point I can't even keep up with my games and I have to keep taking mini-breaks from Dragonrealms.