depression

'nother Abyssal char. She's actually based on a NPC I made for Wardragon 40k. (Advocate is one of the Abyssals after Archana, potentially.) This Advocate is different, though, since she was born in the Second Age, not the First. I was just lazy with names, I always liked "Advocate of the Damned" as a title. So I used it.

Wardragon Advocate is a Moonshadow, but this character is a Midnight. So she's more of a force of personality type than a socializing type. Her highest skills are Presence (went into the whole "hurt if you try to attack her" Charm branch) and Thrown (Crypt Bolt and Eyes Like Daggers Glance, mmm). Working on Performance (for orations, she's something of a preacher of the end of days) and Resistance (eventually want the Adamant Skin mirror, yay soak!)

I also gave her Martial Arts as favored, though she doesn't know a MA yet. And Linguistics, too, there's some fun charms in that Ability I hope to use.

Here's the kinda crappy background I wrote for her during an insomnic bout :P

I went out again today, to make a phone call about my check card. The bank told me I have to wait until a month before the expiration 'cause that's when they send the new one out. I tried to get them to send it sooner but they wouldn't. :( So I have to wait and get my parents to forward it next July.

I'm liking that I've been out every day the past three days. Just doing little things at a time, but I'm doing things and I'm getting less anxious. Definitely need more time and exposure to being outside to build my confidence, though.

Next Jan. I hope to finally get started on some French classes, since I won't be in university till the fall. (Again, assuming I get accepted, though I heard from my therapist not long ago that she already sent off the letters on my behalf. That's very encouraging.)

Well, he won. I'm happy about it. (Apologies to McCain supporters.)

It amazes me seeing the largely jubilant reaction all around the world. Here in Canada, too.

Of course I've got some of the cynic in me. Obama has a huge reputation to live up to and everyone, both Americans and non-Americans are going to be scrutinizing him to see if he can live up to his own standards. I don't expect that it will be easy for him, or that people will be patient enough to wait out the results.

I can say though that seeing him win actually inspired ME, though. I've applied for Canadian colleges now and I'm going today to send for my official transcripts and give my letter of intent and other documents to the campuses.

Maybe I won't have to give up on my future, either.

Sent college apps. :O paid $90 and $85 to send them too, ew. :( But they are sent now. I applied to Concordia and McGill, but I think I have a better chance with Concordia (also, I prefer it... see, this could be my new uni. :O)

I found that permanent residency is not needed to *start* the process. Only that I need to have the Permanent Residency ID before the semester actually starts. And I'm applying for Fall 2009 so I have a lot of time for documents to get where they need to be. I'm feeling a little bit of hope here!

That's what happens when you sit up all night watching Obama speeches. Even if they're just words, they're inspiring. People say he's just saying what people want to hear, preying on Americans' insecurities... but damn, he is a good speaker. I envy him that talent! So since I can't go to the U.S. polls on Nov 4 I'm just going to try and do something to help my life for once.

(Note: Comments off, 'cause I am not interested in a political debate.)

Life is still crap, and I'm pretty sure I'm going insane...

On the other hand, I will say this: I really, really hope Obama wins the U.S. presidential election. I don't live in the U.S. any more, but I may end up having to go back one day (maybe sooner than I'd like). And he is just plain more in line with what I'd like to see in a leader of my home country. I don't think he's THE perfect candidate, or that he'll be able to keep all his promises, but I think he'll still give it his best shot.

RPoL obsession... still going strong.

Outcastes, I am starting to feel better about again since moving the game onto a more interesting encounter.

Five Coils, I already have 8 players for, wtf? Well, technically 7. But it is SO not hard to find players. And yeah, that includes at least halfway decent ones. For that game I pretty much personally asked people to join, I got a yes from all but one.

Hmm. I think I am not all that sucky at this after all. Problem is that all I do now is RPoL, and almost NOTHING ELSE. I kinda worry I don't give myself other things to pay attention to or do. Jon keeps saying it's ok... because it makes me happy, and barring being able to do ANYTHING else about my situation of complete life stagnation and NO good news in the mail, that's pretty much the best I can do to stay sane.

Well I don't want to think about the crap right now. So moving on...

wtf, I go out, try to have a normal day despite the crap circumstances of my life. then I go to the pharmacy and some stupid *bitch* asks if I'm a tourist because I don't understand or answer her French which was way too fast for me.

(more bitching below, i'm not happy right now)

Wow... my writing ability is shot. Too much RPoL. I swear, I need to do something else with my time for a while. But man do I really love writing. There's something empowering about it for me that I've missed in a lot of other activities I've done.

Not-quite-secretly I am actually co-GMing in another RPoL game, besides the Outcastes one I'm running. I do not know how long I'll keep doing it. I figure until next year or something like that. I'll have all the winter months for plenty of sitting on my ass writing.

Recently my husband mentioned that someone emailed him anonymously about his treatment of me. He wasn't even meaning to tell me, and he didn't complain about it either, it just happened to come up. He deleted it. He already knows people think that he is not good to me, he already believes he's practically a failure when it comes to helping my depression; he even has *me* to tell him (over and over) when I am displeased.

But if you're going to say things like that about him, please don't do it anonymously. Honestly that makes it come off as threatening -- and I don't mean to Jon, he wasn't even half as disturbed by it as I was. (I have had a very negative experience with anonymous hatemail before. This time wasn't hatemail, per se, but the idea of some faceless person passing judgment on my life and loved ones is ...disturbing, to say the least.)

I make characters like Ziziri: a cannibalistic Full Moon Lunar with a hyena totem, my entry for a barbarian game I may or may not get accepted for. She's even more of a violent catharsis than Huntress, who turned out to be fairly well-spoken and subtle (well, she IS a Day Caste), while Zizi truly relishes and *thirsts* for killing. I'm amused this Lunar could end up more evil than any of my Abyssals. :P

Nekira, if you're reading this, I'm really sorry x.x but I need more time alone. :( Forum games are just less... 'direct' communication for me, so I feel safer with them in my current state of mind. Next week, though, I'll definitely contact you. With many, many apologies.

Speaking of forums... I'm still open for more character applications for Outcastes on the Open Sea. More high quality RTJs would make me happy. For those of you new to RPoL, don't shy from commenting on this entry (well, could email too but I'm not really checking my email lately *sigh*) or clicking the "Request Access" link on the game page and sending me a PM that way.