asylum

I keep thinking lately that I'm aching for a big change in my life. I just don't enjoy some of the things I used to. I think I have a lot of pent up rage, frustration, helplessness and pain that in these times I just plain can't stifle any more.

I am reminded of that day three years ago when I decided that leaving my parents' house was the best decision I could ever do.

I told myself, "I'm tired of lying to myself and to others."

There's so much I wish I could say. There may be people who will never understand what it is that makes me feel this way, what it is I simultaneously rage at and find myself more and more disillusioned about.

Ryshassa chibi by Shurelia.

I have a local copy that's a .psd but don't have Photoshop installed yet. She's doing a Dark Siren chibi for me too and then I'll put smaller .gif versions on my site to replace the Gaia Online ones. If I am around long enough to see them done, anyway. (I hope so... the sketch of the Siren one is cute.)

I feel really bad right now and I wonder... what am I really in this world for if I am so miserable? I don't like anything about myself and I can't handle things going wrong in my life. I can't handle responsibilities or really care for myself at all. I don't understand why I have to be so afraid of death...

I just have little things that make me smile... irrelevant things... like my chibi. And video games, and characters I like, and stupid little projects. But none of it really gives my life any value.