argument

FFRPG: I got in! \o/ I'm in the process of creating Bryn for the game now.

Obligatory FF11 update: I trained Talliska in Monk job to 10th. Then switched back to Red Mage. Originally I was going to do White Mage next but Rin said I should wait! I just wanted to leave my options open, since 10th is when we can actually group together. But I'll train RDM to 18th first. (So I can get secondary job.)

I'm going to train both Ninja and Paladin for advanced classes. Not going to mix them together though I don't think. I'm actually going for two different builds I would like to switch between depending on mood: Red Mage / Paladin (MAYBE the reverse, too, only thing is that Paladin doesn't fit my aesthetics for Talli. I'm picky about that. :P But I want /PLD for Auto-Refresh and also better defenses) and Monk / Ninja (I LOVE being a fast fighter. Mmm.)

Hrm. I had originally planned to write some sort of introspective post, but have no idea how to word it. So let's just go for a straight summary.

In the past few days I bought the new Ben Folds album Way to Normal (mini-review at the end of this post), ventured out in the winter cold only twice (for the album and to get groceries) and otherwise mostly sat around a lot. :P I guess winter is just the season for that. I mean, since right now I still don't have school or work.

Oh, and since I didn't write about it before: my bad day a little while back mostly stemmed from me freaking out because I got an email from Concordia saying they required my permanent residency proof before considering my application. As I have a very low trust of the Canadian government in following through with my documentation, I'm now afraid I will get barred from college (along with not being able to get a bank account, or get my passport back.)

So, you can probably see how that could be upsetting for me.

In RP, anyway. I've been playing Huntress in my Abby RPoL game again and it's *really* cathartic right now. Particularly the hunting, killing and eating mortals part. Hmm, sounds kind of Digital Devil Saga-ish. :P

But I've just had a really rough day. REALLY rough. "I want to crawl into a hole and die" rough. I've got this all-consuming rage inside me for the continued delays on my documents, and I feel constantly stifled from expressing it because Jon wants me to RATIONALIZE. And he asks me why I ask him all these questions and put him on the spot -- well, he's the one handling all those responsibilities, so who else am I supposed to ask? He has the gall to suggest I take care of it myself, when if I was in a state to do so (i.e. not anxious, etc.) I would have done it myself *from the start*.

Something happened earlier that put me in a bad mood.

I hurt my head, too. It was during an argument. My ear was getting better but now my head has a bump.

encrypted entry (PalCrypt) here

I may or may not make a habit of encrypting entries. This one is not hard at all to crack. Mostly I just didn't want the text to end up on search engines and/or be read casually. *shrug*

Anyway, tomorrow... er. Later today I'm supposed to go to the doctor to get that examination I mentioned in another entry. (Part of the process of getting my health card.)

because of recent events my emotional state took another hit and I may have to withdraw for a couple more days. sorry.

I don't know if this is what dying of stress is supposed to feel like.

My chest has this pressure on it and it's hard to breathe. My left arm and leg are numb and the extremities are prickly. It's kind of like I'm having a panic attack but without the feeling of impending doom.

I don't really feel like doing anything right now. I want to lie down or just go catatonic and not care about anything. On the other hand, I can get myself to do small things. Like, I wrote a RPoL post. Probably the only real effort I made today.

I spent part of the afternoon indulging myself...

Well, no luck on not sucking at Emberdays. On the other hand, Jon and Grey made a really great end to their scene together on their own. That was nice to see, even if I couldn't contribute to it.

I have some idea why I'm stuck on the party posts right now, so I think I can figure something out by Friday. But that's on top of also needing to plan for Soul Collectors, maybe finish up Iria Sorne's sheet (though I don't think I'll NEED to for the first session) and...

Oh, yes. I decided on who I'll apply at for theworldrp, it's Juri Arisugawa from Revolutionary Girl Utena. When I mentioned it, at least 3 people gave me some form of "YAY!" so I guess that partly inspired the choice. I've been poking at some sites to jog my memory on her characterization, now.

I wanted to make a depression post lately but things kept getting in the way. "Things" mostly being RP and giving myself rest from said RP because it was all Emberdays, and I get really, really drained running my own game sometimes.

I mean... sometimes, I can't tell if it's any good. I get really nitpicky about little details and it bugs me for DAYS whether I fucked it up or not. And I don't feel right asking because... well, one of two things. I'll either wonder if people are just saying it's okay so I feel better, or that they'll confirm my fears that it was absolutely horrible. Neither of those possibilities appeal to me so I just... stay silent a lot.

My mind thinks so binary about things like that. Rghhh... I feel like my life is a constant string of depressive episodes. I mean. There are times I feel good about myself, and that's when I'm the most productive and social. But they seem so few and far between.

'cause I really should go to bed even if my brain screams "WRITE MOAR!" But these are topics I want to write about when I'm up and about again.

- RP post. Probably going to do it at the end of today since I'll play both Wardragon and Panoply then. (On Sat. I got to play a bit of Selina's 1890's game.)

- My depression, lately... some nasty arguments triggered by extreme paranoia, which I wonder sometimes is more than just depression. Hrm.

I finally got the Forest of Illusion mission for the first time! :D I'll write more about it in a bit but I'm going to play some more with Clark and Jim (and others? I wish ;.;)

Update~! Clark and Jim and Jon and I played a run of the Moatoob Boost Road missions. After I told Clark about Forest of Illusion, though, he got it in his head that we ought to increase our chances to trigger the rare mission to occur. So basically what we did was, at every lobby, disband the party and have each of us check each mission counter in the lobby separately. The chance for a rare mission is checked per party per counter, so... having everyone count as a separate party multiplies the chances.

In all, I ended up playing Forest of Illusion 3 times tonight. :O And twice were times that I personally found the mission at a lobby. Either I was just extremely lucky, or the Forest mission is a little bit TOO common... I wonder?

Grh... I wish I could be more enthusiastic about running Emberdays. :/ I said I would this coming Monday, and I really want to try this time, but I just get such a feeling of dread thinking about it sometimes. I haven't stopped liking the characters and plot and all the little twists and turns I've come up with, and I have GREAT players / PCs (who in many cases have been more patient than me than I deserve). I WANT to make it work. I'm just scared, and underconfident, and lacking the energy to do much at all.

Jon doesn't want me to run until I'm feeling better, and he has even said he'd talk to the other players about this. But I don't know when I will be "feeling better". I feel like I have to push myself to start again so I can get back into the swing of running every week. I feel that if I don't, people will lose interest or stop believing *I'm* interested. Well, I never stopped being interested. Ever. Even when I'm anxious and I disappear for days out of shame, I still want to go back and try again when I feel better.