I never did finish my Christmas cards and presents. So again postponed to sending them on MONDAY. I hate myself for that, but I had a really poor day trying to write the cards, having my ink run out, losing my temper and tearing one of my good cards up... o.O It was just not a day for finishing my cards. I'm pretty much overworked, and the sad thing is I don't even have a real job. I'm just a RPoL GM.

Why don't I have a job? Because responsibility makes me anxious. See, with GMing I can at least fool myself into thinking it's 'fake' responsibility because there's no money involved and people just play for fun. If I were to try doing the same amount of work but for money, I would freak out and completely freeze up. I'd be unable to produce anything.

It's similar with my webpage stuff. I have maintained my website and server for 10 years. I haven't been the best at it especially lately (what with rpol making me lazy with everything else), but I've done it for no pay, I've kept things afloat, I troubleshoot stuff for my users, or make them new accounts, etc. I do this almost without thinking about it. Sometimes it's hard but I get things done.

I'm listening to this album right now (by Red Hot Chili Peppers) and feeling nostalgic. It came out 10 years ago and used to be one of my favorite driving songs. I have very fond memories of driving down the Las Vegas Strip listening to that album with Michelle, Paul and Lisanne.

In fact I used to really enjoy driving a lot. Every time I did it was like a mini-vacation from life. But now I have chronic headaches and eyestrain and likely am not helping that by being at the computer for most of the day.

My car of 11 years (from 1996-2007 ish) was taken from me too due to being ruled by Canadian law to be unfit to drive. I've gotten $4k back for a savings fund, but it's still sad... that car was a big part of my late teens and young adulthood, and took me on that last, long journey from California to Quebec five years ago.

I've made plenty of characters recently. Let me at least list them all (these are the characters I've made since Grace in Sorrow, and the new Brynja I play in FFRPG).

- Sheska Ironfist, Zenith Solar: my ex-dynast blind martial artist, borrowing bits from a character concept based on Shiho from Valkyrie Profile. Got rejected cause someone took the Zenith spot before me. :(
- Ishika Sui, Elvaan Ninja: He's an androgynous looking character whose specialty (besides dual-dagger wielding mayhem) is acting and disguise for the purpose of spying/undercover work.
- Irina, Viera Dark Knight: Conceived as an opposite of Bryn (who is a traditional Viera). This is a Viera rejected by the Wood for having an affinity toward Darkness. Also wields a HUGE SCYTHE (with +5 acc! oooh!)
- Zahra, Viera Spellbow: Yeah, I recycled a name. This is the character for the custom Final Fantasy game I'm playing. Very involved chargen, I created my own Job and Techniques/Spells attached to it!

Then I applied for a game run by one of my Academy players, a freeform game set in a middle eastern location. I decided to take over one of the major players in the political intrigue, a former NPC who I hopefully will start writing for soon. I liked how I wrote this one so I will share it. :)

Latest random RP idea: Utena-ish game. Thinking of running it in OVA system (not Original Video Animation but Open Versatile Anime RPG), but need to get a hold of the PDF.

I've been joining SO MANY FFRPG games lately (even a homebrew one that's neither d100 or d6, but some sort of funky mashup of every RPG I've ever played). Now that Academy is slowly dying, and my interest in my other games is becoming questionable, I just keep wanting to join games instead. To be fair, Outcastes is going a bit better lately, but I'm still worried about whether I'll still be up to running Five Coils after how much DRAMA it caused me.

You'd think I'd go and do something better with my life instead... :P

I have been exercising a bit more and going out a bit more but lately I'm having a lot of trouble due to over-sensitivity to loud noises. Like, I cringe when horns are honked, or people yelling, and just plain have to plug my ears if there's loud things like badly maintained engines, construction work, etc.) So that makes it hard to go anywhere, again. There's always SOME sort of reason.

Sometimes I wonder if I suffer from more than depression and anxiety. I mean, where does all my chronic paranoia and lack of ability to trust people come from? I guess that could be social anxiety, but if it was just that why would I also be so mistrusting of my husband, who's done nothing to me that was meant to be hurtful?

Sure, he's hurt me by mistake, he's hurt me thinking he meant well. He's lost control at times when frustrated with me. He's made decisions that put me in precarious position with immigration and at one point I got therapy when he broke up with me, both of which are old news by now anyway. But never once has he really set out to cause me pain, only reacted to pain I caused him one way or another, or acted out of worry for me.

I know that, but it doesn't change things. Why?