anxiety

I went out again today, to make a phone call about my check card. The bank told me I have to wait until a month before the expiration 'cause that's when they send the new one out. I tried to get them to send it sooner but they wouldn't. :( So I have to wait and get my parents to forward it next July.

I'm liking that I've been out every day the past three days. Just doing little things at a time, but I'm doing things and I'm getting less anxious. Definitely need more time and exposure to being outside to build my confidence, though.

Next Jan. I hope to finally get started on some French classes, since I won't be in university till the fall. (Again, assuming I get accepted, though I heard from my therapist not long ago that she already sent off the letters on my behalf. That's very encouraging.)

I did all my errands on Wednesday. It was hard. I had a lot of anxiety issues. My anxiety gets so terrible nowadays... if I'm doing something that I find stressful, and something unexpected goes wrong, I start to totally freak out. Or I'll focus on too many problems at once (even ones unrelated to what I'm doing immediately).

If I get bad enough I start to panic. I have trouble breathing and I get really irrationally scared of loud noises, which makes it hard to walk around in a big city. I don't regret moving to Montreal for that, I've always really *liked* the city! But my anxiety makes it harder to enjoy what I normally like... :/

Anyway, since then I've just been sitting at home unwinding. Pretty much just poking at RPoL games as usual, though I feel like I spent too much time on them the past couple days.

(Note: Comments off, 'cause I am not interested in a political debate.)

Life is still crap, and I'm pretty sure I'm going insane...

On the other hand, I will say this: I really, really hope Obama wins the U.S. presidential election. I don't live in the U.S. any more, but I may end up having to go back one day (maybe sooner than I'd like). And he is just plain more in line with what I'd like to see in a leader of my home country. I don't think he's THE perfect candidate, or that he'll be able to keep all his promises, but I think he'll still give it his best shot.

Yeah. I think I really enjoy it. o.o It's just involved enough to keep me happy, and doesn't keep me so busy I can't walk away from it when I need to. But doesn't trigger my anxiety much at all. It has, once or twice, but I have sufficient time to deal with it as necessary.

That said, I have this freaking urge to start Lion-Bull War already. I dunno. I just... really need forum games right now. And these games really do something to keep me focused and not utterly crushingly depressed for some reason. I REALLY would like anyone interested in playing LBW to inform me right away though, because I always prefer to take people I know over people I don't. :(

I'm also worried I may end up too obsessed with RP to even pay attention to anything else in my life, which is NOT good. But... "anything else in my life" is pretty much utter shit right now, and I lose a little bit more of my sanity every time I even think about it.

wtf, I go out, try to have a normal day despite the crap circumstances of my life. then I go to the pharmacy and some stupid *bitch* asks if I'm a tourist because I don't understand or answer her French which was way too fast for me.

(more bitching below, i'm not happy right now)

Recently my husband mentioned that someone emailed him anonymously about his treatment of me. He wasn't even meaning to tell me, and he didn't complain about it either, it just happened to come up. He deleted it. He already knows people think that he is not good to me, he already believes he's practically a failure when it comes to helping my depression; he even has *me* to tell him (over and over) when I am displeased.

But if you're going to say things like that about him, please don't do it anonymously. Honestly that makes it come off as threatening -- and I don't mean to Jon, he wasn't even half as disturbed by it as I was. (I have had a very negative experience with anonymous hatemail before. This time wasn't hatemail, per se, but the idea of some faceless person passing judgment on my life and loved ones is ...disturbing, to say the least.)

There it is, on the left right (WTF dyslexia). Or if you're viewing this through RSS: Donate to darksiren.net

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What I will use donations for...
- pay fees for darksiren.net (both the domain and the VPS)
- potentially, upgrade the VPS, if I receive enough donations to warrant that (that'd be at least $20 a month on top of current fees, or $240 more)
- pushing further, could also be used for me to buy a second server, where I could possibly start up some low-cost web hosting with software installed on demand.

Mmm, I spent a while today playing in this awesome new MMO: Atlantica. It's a turn based strategy MMO set in some sort of alternate real world (maybe 1500s ish?), and I am enjoying it enough that I think it'll be a keeper. :D More about that later.

Oh and I went and messed with the PS3 for a bit also. Jon and I finished Metal Gear Solid 4 a little while ago, and since it's our only game (right now) we were poking around with the Playstation Store. Downloaded some free demos, including Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, which is *really* great fun to play. I had a blast with the controls, and marveling at the very real physics engine (force grip, whee!)

But first the bad stuff...

In RP, anyway. I've been playing Huntress in my Abby RPoL game again and it's *really* cathartic right now. Particularly the hunting, killing and eating mortals part. Hmm, sounds kind of Digital Devil Saga-ish. :P

But I've just had a really rough day. REALLY rough. "I want to crawl into a hole and die" rough. I've got this all-consuming rage inside me for the continued delays on my documents, and I feel constantly stifled from expressing it because Jon wants me to RATIONALIZE. And he asks me why I ask him all these questions and put him on the spot -- well, he's the one handling all those responsibilities, so who else am I supposed to ask? He has the gall to suggest I take care of it myself, when if I was in a state to do so (i.e. not anxious, etc.) I would have done it myself *from the start*.

I went and did something productive today! It was small, but I still got dressed (in record time, too... usually takes me so long =_=), went out and did something responsible.

I just had to go and call to cancel my health insurance in the U.S. My mom couldn't do it herself because they needed confirmation straight from me. But I couldn't call from home because the phone line isn't working right now. :(

So that meant I had to go outside to use a phone there. Which could have totally been a freakout moment (agoraphobia + anxiety from responsibilities) but I went and put on a little bit of "Archana attitude" and it actually worked. o.O I was okay!

I'm pretty content now for once... I mean, I won't say it'll last (it rarely does) but if I can have those moments more often than not, I'm doing something right.