alexsei/ryshy

I ended up writing a long email to my mom today.

While doing so I was trying to explain why I didn't want contact with my... other parent. While I was writing it, I recounted some of the symptoms I have that are signs of emotional trauma in the past:

- chronic stress pains, trouble sleeping
- nightmares of being intimidated / threatened by him
- fear of loud, sudden noises (similar to PTSD in war veterans, I explained)
- debilitating anxiety when faced with others' expectations, even if imagined
- inappropriate guilt and worthlessness (further exacerbated by my depression)

I thought to myself, writing all this out, "you know what... if I didn't know me and I read that, I'd think the person who wrote it was abused."

I'm tired but I wanted to post a bit...

Earlier, Manze (my friend from DR) was poking me about trying this MMO called Last Chaos (Aeria Games, same makers as DOMO that I tried a little while ago). So I did, and I got Jon to join and maybe Kalli will later.

Here are our characters (I'm the blond healer) and here's a closeup of the mage cause it amuses me Manze is playing this dommie-ish chick (he wanted to play mage, but unfortunately LC doesn't let you choose your gender.) Jon is the knightly beefcake. :D

now, about the rest of the day and yesterday...

So... I'll be back on Thursday.

Just hiding around here messing with Dragonrealms (training Talliska in serpents and vipers now. Owie, viper poison! But I've gotten lots of combat and skinning ranks!) And poking at RPoL posts (I keep making charsheets for games that don't run... helps me practice learning Ex2 rules, I guess).

Other than that I've been coming up with a new idea for a RP for Jon and me. Actually, it's not new so much as a... retelling of something old.

More or less, I'm trying to rewrite Exalted Ryshy's history. I left ADoA and I don't want to mess with anything Col or the other players created, but I still like that particular version of the character and her history. So I'm doing a sort of "Belladonna Revival", I guess you could say.

Just did a few changes to the node layouts. So exciting, huh? :P

I decided (after editing Talliska's journal to do the same) that I'd only display categories on the teaser, and put the tag list at the very end of the full node view. Makes things look less cluttered, though it doesn't actually reduce db queries, since I have to traverse the terms *anyway* to pull out the categories separate from the tags. But that's to be expected.

Also I tweaked the code so the author/date/categories will only display for blog entries. (Pages are static, and events have their own dates on them anyways.) And I went into contemplate and edited the node template for events so it wouldn't use <h3> any more.

Now I really want to play Talliska in DR, but I keep futzing around with the journal instead! =_= And making things like this (a placeholder page, helped me practice basic CSS) and this (made with Nucleus - I'll stick a PSU screenshot in the layout later to make it look more interesting.)

(This lengthy post includes some musings on my sex life. Nothing graphic, because I abhor writing about that publically. But, the topic comes up so... fair warning. :P)

I often say that I feel too old. Old is a relative thing, though. If you think that humans live 70+ years, then yes, I am still young. I have over half my lifespan left... assuming that stress doesn't cut it short, anyway. *shrugs*

But when you think about what a person in their late twenties is expected to accomplish, I'm very old to be the way I am now. I have no college degree, am unemployed, at least a little bit agoraphobic, have no friends I can meet in person, and am ruled by the whims of my depression and anxiety-fueled paranoia.

So here I am musing on things again, and... right now, I'm thinking of Ryshassa.

She was kind of an accident of a concept, as I've mentioned before; I wanted to get into Dragonrealms for my anthropology project (you know, to this day I wish I could've saved that paper... I'd post it. Heh, I bet it's interesting. 16 pages of DR ethnography written at a time the game was still going strong. I'd have to type it out though... the paper, I mean. I still have the final draft somewhere. I just never looked at it 'cause I was shy about what comments the professor wrote. I got an A though.)

...sorry, tangent. So yeah, I made Ryshy as my first character in DR, not realizing she'd end up significant to me in any lasting way.

Covered in this entry:
- ADoA: Ryshy Rescue, which is finally complete! :O (I decided I'd split the RP summaries into two entries, because this first one is really long. ^^)

Also, since someone (Selina) asked, I'll clarify that yes, I will still be online periodically during my vacation. Just not doing any RP, and I'll be away more often than not, with periods of being offline entirely. (Like when I'm in Montreal, cause we won't have any net access unless we visit an internet center.)

Hrm... I suppose I've been silent a lot to begin with, though. I've really needed more time to myself, and the vacation ought to help that a lot!

Mostly because I've been working on this: Caduceus Curatoris, an in-character journal for Ryshy and Alexsei.

Most of the entries will be locked. But I still thought my idea of creating it in the first place is awesome. >.>

Oh yeah, and it uses Wordpress. I thought it simple and lightweight enough to do what I intended to with the journal. A full CMS would've just been too clunky. I had to screw around with templating, which was vaguely frustrating, but it tends to be. At least it's something I only have to do once. =_=

I'ma go exercise now. :D And I'll probably be video gaming all night!

[I didn't describe anything in detail, but this RP summary mentions non-consensual sex. So don't read if that bothers you.]

Yesterday... all of yesterday I played THE scene. Well, and part of this morning. Selina and I managed to finish the Windia university scene on Weds, so I would be free to play this on Thurs. (Ryshy got her memory charms from it, along with 4 Emerald Circle spells.)

The kidnapping opened with Arioch (the Starbreaker that nearly killed Alexsei) taking Ryshy away to a manse she'd never seen or heard of before... somewhere out of Windia. Damian, that bastard Bluesid, went with him, to direct him there. The manse belongs to a man named Antares, a scorpion Lunar I suspect, from his alias (Scorpio).

This is as evil as you will ever see me portray Ryshy. Probably. But it isn't really her -- it's a test for Alexsei that Col asked me to play, since he's training in Yu Shan.

It's hard to tell from just reading this, but it was difficult for both of us to write. I know my husband well... I also know his characters well. I know exactly what could hurt him the most. So I had to hurt him, and even if it was just in RP it was a harrowing thing to do. It's a sign of our bond, though, that he trusts me enough to do this sort of thing, knowing I would never hurt him or his creations just on a whim.