alexsei

I ended up writing a long email to my mom today.

While doing so I was trying to explain why I didn't want contact with my... other parent. While I was writing it, I recounted some of the symptoms I have that are signs of emotional trauma in the past:

- chronic stress pains, trouble sleeping
- nightmares of being intimidated / threatened by him
- fear of loud, sudden noises (similar to PTSD in war veterans, I explained)
- debilitating anxiety when faced with others' expectations, even if imagined
- inappropriate guilt and worthlessness (further exacerbated by my depression)

I thought to myself, writing all this out, "you know what... if I didn't know me and I read that, I'd think the person who wrote it was abused."

The Twilight Ball in DR was (amazingly) pretty fun. Ryshy and Alexsei were there all the way until people were booted out of the Keep 'cause the event was over.

Mostly Alexsei was introducing her to tons and tons of people and she was being all sociable and happy for once. Heh, who knew it. Maybe it was all the wine she drank and cake she ate. She and Alexsei had a couple dances on the floor too, though once he started dancing with others Ryshy was pretty much nonexistant to everyone else -_^

Only two people actually noticed the gown, too. Two, maybe three, I dunno. It's an original, but well, Ryshy is kind of not-noticeable I guess. Alexsei's outfit was pretty hawt though, and the cane got him a lot of attention.

So, I'm like totally food deprived. I haven't eaten all day. I STILL haven't eaten, wtf, though that's being rectified.

Today was mostly me staying indoors because I'm tired of going outside and being all tense and nervous while the music festival is going on. Too many people outside, too much unpredictable noise, so I just stay in. Grrr. I don't like when I get like this... I hope moving will help my agoraphobia a bit. :(

So I told Jon that we'd go and try Alexsei's resurrection quest again. Holy shit that was hard. And frightening. I was leading for most of the quest (as Talliska of course) and was freaking out the entire time about messing up and getting Alexsei and Terra (our friend that came along -- awesome bard and great person, who is also a total comic, book and video game geek!) killed. ^^;

So I've been letting myself rest... it's nice. ^^

Today I've just been playing Etrian Odyssey 2, messing with DR and chatting with peoples.

I found out there is interest in me making a Tower Between Worlds MUD again. :O It looks like it might be based on Smaug, which happens to be one of the types of muds I've never played. Figures! It's more of the hack n' slash type, so there will be actual potential for combat and character advancement, unlike previous Tower projects. *boggles at this*

But it'll be a small project, more like a playground for a few of us to mess with building and writing descriptions and such. Mostly it'll be Eni and Kalli and me, it looks like. Maybe others if there is interest.

Dunno yet when it'll be set up -- probably next month? Or Sept? So let me know if working on Tower MUD interests you.

...well, to be honest it's something I've wanted to actually redo for a while. The Caduceus site, I mean.

Here's the main page that I've already shown before, and the actual journal part. The purpose of the journal will be for Jon and I to write in-character things about Ryshy and Alexsei, to help us flesh out how we'll separate them from Exalted's Creation and into Eskarne (my original setting for the Anthegenia Cycle, and yes, also the name I gave the Great Bird in Reborn Again. It means "Mercy".)

For the user profiles, I ended up using a nifty Nucleus plugin for customizable profiles. Even if there'll only ever be two users for the Caduceus, I just had to get it done *right*. ^^;

I went through a few different and interesting blog software and CMSs before settling back with Nucleus, one of my staple favorites:

Well, RP cleanup is done for now. Yeah. I've got s'more time to myself I guess. I probably could have handled it a LOT better, but what's done is done. (I just feel bad because it's my fault for inconveniencing everyone, again.)

Yesterday (Weds) I spent a very LONG part of the day trying to help Jon get Alexsei through his resurrection quest in DR, along with a couple of friends (Halcier and Terra).

Let me just say, this quest could not have failed harder than it did last night. :O First, Halcier ended up dying. We WERE going to get Alexsei to just finish the quest and resurrect him, but he lost a critical item needed to finish it (not his fault, I think he just had the item on him a little too long, and it auto-destructed). So Terra and I tried to get help, but then the HELP died -- and when I and another friend went to help them, WE died.

Hum, I've neglected writing entries lately. o.o The weekend and Monday were just *crazy* for RP.

I've got a headache, so I'll try (and probably fail) to be terse.

So... I'll be back on Thursday.

Just hiding around here messing with Dragonrealms (training Talliska in serpents and vipers now. Owie, viper poison! But I've gotten lots of combat and skinning ranks!) And poking at RPoL posts (I keep making charsheets for games that don't run... helps me practice learning Ex2 rules, I guess).

Other than that I've been coming up with a new idea for a RP for Jon and me. Actually, it's not new so much as a... retelling of something old.

More or less, I'm trying to rewrite Exalted Ryshy's history. I left ADoA and I don't want to mess with anything Col or the other players created, but I still like that particular version of the character and her history. So I'm doing a sort of "Belladonna Revival", I guess you could say.

Well, let's start with the SC stuff. Basically, I'm still short on players and I'm going to cease nagging the people who are taking their sweet time getting back to me. Soooo... hopefully that'll leave me with 4 players without having to beg someone to play. (Argh.) I have no clue where I'll find another player, either.

Sometimes just think it's not even worth bothering to start SC. Kind of getting jaded about it and I haven't even run it yet. I just wish finding players was easier to do. :/

As for the DR stuff... well, it's not much. I went and got Talliska her first favor from Tenemlor (because Simu recently added favors to Prydaen gods, boggle). There was a bit of RP involved in it because Talliska had sworn off worshipping the Prydaen tryptich (Eu-Demrris-Tenemlor) for a while, and I wanted to play out her reasons for returning. I've posted the log below.

I spent last night getting the webhosting space and setting up my sekrit project. Man... it made me wish Drupal had better theming capabilities, cause wow... I am really pleased with the layout of that site. I shouldn't be waving around "loooooky i have a secret project!" when no one will even see it, but it still excites me 'cause I'm satisfied with the work, and I LOVE working on webstuff.

Speaking of not so secret projects, I am beginning to be tempted by making money through a reseller hosting account... like, not a LOT of money, but more like an experiment. I mean, nowadays reseller accounts start as low as $6/mo. I could get something pretty decent at $10/mo. All I'd really want is to see what I can do with it -- whether I can come up with a concept for low-cost (I'm talking, like, $2-3 a month) web accounts, likely paid through Paypal, that would at the *least* repay the cost of the reseller account -- and if more, it could even pay for my DR / PSU accounts, and my darksiren.net account. That would be sweet. :O

Oooh, but even BETTER news: I ordered my new computer! Finally!!