agoraphobia

Well, it's Christmas morning afternoon, and I figured I should write something. I know not everyone celebrates it, so I'll just make this a general Happy Holidays to all, if you're taking a break to spend quality time with family and friends.

I have a few specific holiday messages too (for Eni and Kalli and Selina. Others already got snail mail cards from me, assuming they actually GET there. :O)

There's a lot of people I've kinda been sparing in contact with, and I'm sorry about that. ;.; This last year has been a really introverted time for me, I guess. I just need a lot of time alone. I'm worried that I'm starting to get increasingly asocial and agoraphobic (just don't feel the urge to go out much at all), but that's something I will have to think about more next year.

Actually, I'm getting better now. But yesterday I was pretty sick, and it sucked! I just sat here and ate a lot and drank a lot of fluids and took medicine. My body's already fought most of it off by today which is neat.

Poor Jon was sick longer than me. But he didn't even get any medicine. :( I should have bought it for him before but I was still all agoraphobic. I'm making him take the rest of my medicine now though.

Also: You people who are using my posts about sexual addiction to advertise an escort service are really messed up, k? I mean, that's like going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with a bunch of booze! "Hey guys, drink this! Your addiction needs quenching!!" :D :D I'm finding my CAPTCHA isn't deterring these, I had 3 distinct cases of this occurring. I will continue to erase them personally though, and if need be take greater measures!

I did all my errands on Wednesday. It was hard. I had a lot of anxiety issues. My anxiety gets so terrible nowadays... if I'm doing something that I find stressful, and something unexpected goes wrong, I start to totally freak out. Or I'll focus on too many problems at once (even ones unrelated to what I'm doing immediately).

If I get bad enough I start to panic. I have trouble breathing and I get really irrationally scared of loud noises, which makes it hard to walk around in a big city. I don't regret moving to Montreal for that, I've always really *liked* the city! But my anxiety makes it harder to enjoy what I normally like... :/

Anyway, since then I've just been sitting at home unwinding. Pretty much just poking at RPoL games as usual, though I feel like I spent too much time on them the past couple days.

I went and did something productive today! It was small, but I still got dressed (in record time, too... usually takes me so long =_=), went out and did something responsible.

I just had to go and call to cancel my health insurance in the U.S. My mom couldn't do it herself because they needed confirmation straight from me. But I couldn't call from home because the phone line isn't working right now. :(

So that meant I had to go outside to use a phone there. Which could have totally been a freakout moment (agoraphobia + anxiety from responsibilities) but I went and put on a little bit of "Archana attitude" and it actually worked. o.O I was okay!

I'm pretty content now for once... I mean, I won't say it'll last (it rarely does) but if I can have those moments more often than not, I'm doing something right.

Now to continue my "let's not stay inside and be a hermit" efforts, I'm going out again today. Hopefully I will be in a good mood this time. I'm wearing clothes I like and I feel ok (I even got a decent face wash so my face feels clean) and my ear infection is going away.

I always feel kind of silly posting about "OOH I'M GOING OUT" but as I've said before, for me this is often a big thing. My mix of depression and anxiety leads to agoraphobic tendencies (especially now, while I'm still waiting on various papers and IDs) at times, and I have to fight that a lot so I don't end up languishing away indoors.

Anyway, I'm mostly going out to get a sound card for my computer. And I think we may go out to eat and see a movie cause we never got to last time. I'm going to be back by the time Kalli finishes work (hehe, 10 pm is "Kalli finishes work hour" now.) She wanted to play Last Chaos with us -- though OOH, she's going to be able to renew DR very soon now! I was telling Terra I was starting to get a little DR-apathetic, and having her in game again would TOTALLY reverse that for me.

*goes before it gets too late* :O

it's 5 am and I'm awake. Booooo :( I thought I fixed it but I ended up napping earlier today and now I don't want to go to bed. Not really progressing much with getting outside more. It'll be winter before I know it, at this rate. *sigh*

I can talk about all the ways I fail lately but I think I won't.

Um. I made another Exalted (2nd ed) chara but not sure I like her much. And I ended up skipping game on Nekira again which sucks of me (though she said she doesn't mind) :( I'm going to be thrown off again because my doc appointment is actually NEXT Weds, not today, and now next week is starting to look too busy for my liking (grr, double grr).

and I need to not be all hermity and slacktastic but I REALLY CAN'T right now. my life is becoming intolerable every time I think of how I have to keep freaking WAITING for everything and have no confidence my plans will work out in the meantime. *shrug* life sucks.

Tonight was a pretty wearying evening in DR. As usual, RP is srs bizness, in Elanthia. It gets like that when you've poured years and years (for some people, over a decade) of training, backstory and interaction into your character. Gotta try really hard not to take it too personally, sometimes. 'Cause it's a game, and not RL.

On the other hand... my games are sometimes all the interaction I have with people. I've not hid the fact I've been practically a shut-in for 3 years, I suffer from major depression, I have serious anxiety issues and hardly any self-esteem to speak of. I don't have many friends, online and off, and I have trouble trusting the few I do have. It means I often feel alone even if I'm not, and I'll expect betrayals even if none are there.

Sometimes they are there. But that's another thing entirely.

So, I'm like totally food deprived. I haven't eaten all day. I STILL haven't eaten, wtf, though that's being rectified.

Today was mostly me staying indoors because I'm tired of going outside and being all tense and nervous while the music festival is going on. Too many people outside, too much unpredictable noise, so I just stay in. Grrr. I don't like when I get like this... I hope moving will help my agoraphobia a bit. :(

So I told Jon that we'd go and try Alexsei's resurrection quest again. Holy shit that was hard. And frightening. I was leading for most of the quest (as Talliska of course) and was freaking out the entire time about messing up and getting Alexsei and Terra (our friend that came along -- awesome bard and great person, who is also a total comic, book and video game geek!) killed. ^^;

Soo my online (gaming) life is a lot more exciting than my RL one. What's new?

Also, I need to stop staying inside so much. Bad me. x.x Just... it's been bad lately, again. Don't know what to say about that. I really should be spending time outside instead of poking incessantly at all these RPs, but... *sigh* I just... don't know. I can't, somehow.

I'm going to try on Tuesday and Wednesday though. Go out on both days! *shakefist* I'll even try to take a walk before Nekira's game on Thurs, and maybe go out on Fri and bring some books with me to plan for Soul Collectors outside, assuming the weather's good. Or on any other day that might be a good, warm day.

I just really have to break this agoraphobic streak and get more exercise. Bah. That said, though, here's the first part of my RP updates!

Well, she should be arriving there in an hour-ish, anyway.

I'm a lil' melancholy, but I'm also happy to have my creative and web work time back. I can't function without enough alone time for my projects and games and stuff, any more. And I'm still kinda agoraphobic... I was starting to get tense and cranky and overly self-critical (especially about my looks, but other things too) because I've been outside around people every day.

But, I felt kinda bad seeing my sis off. She kinda strikes me as feeling rather lost and lonely lately. I don't know if being around us did any good, though it did show her that life can be very different if you move away from the Bay Area, with all the competitiveness, high cost of living, overworking and overachieving.