Marriage

Meh... no sleep. I feel like crap.

I've been trying to finish up the Christmas cards which I forgot to send yesterday. I have two I am not even sure I'll send. :( one was for Kalli but dumb me just remembered she changed her address, and I don't HAVE the new one. Bleh.

I was gonna send one to Eni but then I thought "wait will her family think it's weird" 'cause the last time I sent a card I had to send it to a different address and now I'm all confused. So I'll just not send it and send something better on her birthday instead.

Cards will be late, anyway :( Honestly, right now I hate life and would be happy to disappear from it. I have this stupid, irrational wish that I could just exist in a reality where I'm the only real person, because other real people trigger my anxiety when I can't figure out what the hell they really think about me and stuff I do.

Hrm. I had originally planned to write some sort of introspective post, but have no idea how to word it. So let's just go for a straight summary.

In the past few days I bought the new Ben Folds album Way to Normal (mini-review at the end of this post), ventured out in the winter cold only twice (for the album and to get groceries) and otherwise mostly sat around a lot. :P I guess winter is just the season for that. I mean, since right now I still don't have school or work.

Oh, and since I didn't write about it before: my bad day a little while back mostly stemmed from me freaking out because I got an email from Concordia saying they required my permanent residency proof before considering my application. As I have a very low trust of the Canadian government in following through with my documentation, I'm now afraid I will get barred from college (along with not being able to get a bank account, or get my passport back.)

So, you can probably see how that could be upsetting for me.

First of all, thanks Sho. This is old news, a bit, but I got your donation and I really, really appreciate it.

Second, I am starting to formulate in my mind the possibility of leaving the country by January 2009. After weeks upon weeks of horrible arguments and despair I can only think that I can't survive like this for another year or even another half year.

So I've given myself January 15 as a deadline. That's the last day I'm going to wait, because past then it will be hard for me to apply for college here next Fall, too. And I really can't wait months and months longer. It's already been 4 years. It's more than enough. I need therapy and I need a sense of REAL accomplishment in my life for once.

If I leave Canada, though, I think it will be to never return. And I will very likely never seen my husband again. But there's nothing to be done. I have to choose to make my life better if no one else will.

Recently my husband mentioned that someone emailed him anonymously about his treatment of me. He wasn't even meaning to tell me, and he didn't complain about it either, it just happened to come up. He deleted it. He already knows people think that he is not good to me, he already believes he's practically a failure when it comes to helping my depression; he even has *me* to tell him (over and over) when I am displeased.

But if you're going to say things like that about him, please don't do it anonymously. Honestly that makes it come off as threatening -- and I don't mean to Jon, he wasn't even half as disturbed by it as I was. (I have had a very negative experience with anonymous hatemail before. This time wasn't hatemail, per se, but the idea of some faceless person passing judgment on my life and loved ones is ...disturbing, to say the least.)

In RP, anyway. I've been playing Huntress in my Abby RPoL game again and it's *really* cathartic right now. Particularly the hunting, killing and eating mortals part. Hmm, sounds kind of Digital Devil Saga-ish. :P

But I've just had a really rough day. REALLY rough. "I want to crawl into a hole and die" rough. I've got this all-consuming rage inside me for the continued delays on my documents, and I feel constantly stifled from expressing it because Jon wants me to RATIONALIZE. And he asks me why I ask him all these questions and put him on the spot -- well, he's the one handling all those responsibilities, so who else am I supposed to ask? He has the gall to suggest I take care of it myself, when if I was in a state to do so (i.e. not anxious, etc.) I would have done it myself *from the start*.

My headache's been coming back lately. It's not just any old headache. It feels like the left half of my face is just wearing out. Kind of like the pains I used to have in my chest but now they're just on my face. It hurts enough that it's hard to keep my eyes open sometimes. And now and then it still twinges with stabbing pains.

I think that it's stress related, because the symptoms get worse when I'm stressed. I'm not sure, though... it could also be that whatever I have gets exacerbated by stress. :/ The bank stuff earlier did NOT help my state at all and so I've been practically useless and invisible to everyone. I'm really sorry. :(

I'm feeling this strange mix of elation and self-disgust right now. It's probably because I'm 1) totally sleep deprived (let's see, I slept from 7-10 am), 2) had some ice tea and a few fig newtons so I'm all sugar high, 3) on sinus medicine (though that kind of faded, I think it's wearing off)

I really want to hide away, lately... I just feel sad that I spent an entire day doing nothing of note except write a freaking character profile. I'm not much in the mood to deal with people, even online. I even feel dumb cause I mailed Eni's mom back to give some message to Eni and realized "wtf I'm repetitive, she must think it's annoying" :P though I did hear the surgery went well I'm happy about that at least!

and again I have to consider Emberdays... but I just feel this lack of belief in it :/ it's really just slipping away from me... oh but on the positive side, and this is totally dorky and NOT at all to do with RL either (cut for spoilers if you care about Gundam SEED)

Teehee. RPing relationships between characters with my husband is like falling in love all over again. I swear, it ought to be a technique for gamer couples to keep the romance alive. ^^; (And I apologize for how utterly dorky that sounds.)

My characterization of Iyadali, I think, borrows a bit from the witches of Ursula K. Le Guin's Earthsea, and a bit from Wheel of Time as well (though Iya and her culture are definitely not as irritating as the Sea Folk can be.)

I also have to admit to taking a tiny bit of a cue from Nynaeve and Lan -- sort of. :O

Well, I'm a bit better today. Probably going to be pretty distracted today though... I threw off my sleeping pattern when I had to lie down. I was so sick with stress I was too weak to get up for several hours.

I did rest though, and I talked a lot to Jon and spent time with him. I always worry about the repercussions when my frustration gets the better of me, or my paranoia, my trust and control issues, my anxiety or so on. He is so often my target, because 1) he lives with me, and 2) he is probably the only person I'd hope would still talk to me after I show him my cruelest and most selfish side.

I'm the type of person to expect people to hate, abandon, or discredit me. As friendly and accepting as I can be, I'm very hard to get close to. I'll purposefully withdraw from people when I feel too asocial or anxious. It's easy for me to just disappear, when I don't expect anyone to miss me.

I don't know if this is what dying of stress is supposed to feel like.

My chest has this pressure on it and it's hard to breathe. My left arm and leg are numb and the extremities are prickly. It's kind of like I'm having a panic attack but without the feeling of impending doom.

I don't really feel like doing anything right now. I want to lie down or just go catatonic and not care about anything. On the other hand, I can get myself to do small things. Like, I wrote a RPoL post. Probably the only real effort I made today.

I spent part of the afternoon indulging myself...