Psychology

I ended up writing a long email to my mom today.

While doing so I was trying to explain why I didn't want contact with my... other parent. While I was writing it, I recounted some of the symptoms I have that are signs of emotional trauma in the past:

- chronic stress pains, trouble sleeping
- nightmares of being intimidated / threatened by him
- fear of loud, sudden noises (similar to PTSD in war veterans, I explained)
- debilitating anxiety when faced with others' expectations, even if imagined
- inappropriate guilt and worthlessness (further exacerbated by my depression)

I thought to myself, writing all this out, "you know what... if I didn't know me and I read that, I'd think the person who wrote it was abused."

It's a mystery how people behave
How they long for a life as a slave

Jon went and pulled out my Cardigans albums and I've been listening to them lately. It interests me how that band started out being known for these rather sugary-pop songs (at least in the U.S., where I first heard them) and ended up producing such darkly beautiful love songs. Like "Paralyzed" on Gran Turismo, "Please Sister" on Long Gone Before Daylight (which Kraken says is his favorite song. I don't blame him!) and "And Then You Kissed Me" parts I and II (the first on Long Gone, the second on Super Extra Gravity, which I just finished listening to.)

It's about 7 am, and I know I should have gotten to sleep like... 3 hours ago. I was in bed for almost that long, though. Usually I'm talking to Jon, or we're playing games on PSP or DS in bed, or other bed-related things.

But eventually it gets to the point Jon is getting sleepy, but I'm not. I know that eventually I'll be left with my own thoughts when he goes to bed.

Sometimes he rubs my back, and it helps me get to sleep. Other times, like now... I just don't sleep. I get back out of bed. Usually I end up poking around on the 'net or writing a journal entry. That's why a lot of my most thoughtful and revealing entries tend to be in the early morning.

I wish I could just go to sleep, though. But there's just too much in my head to think about. Here's some of it (note: the TMI part is towards the end.)

This is another post about rape fantasies; in this context I mean "fantasies about being raped", in other words, imagining oneself as the victim of a rape. Just to be clear -- because I recently realized it might be unclear -- this is what I typically mean when I use the term "rape fantasy" in my posts.

Also, fair warning for anyone reading this that might be triggered by a post about rape, even if it is discussed as fantasy, or in a purely theoretical context. Please just don't read if that is the case.

Lastly, I apologize if this post comes across as preachy. This topic is simply very personal to me. I do not expect people to agree with my sentiments just because I happened to write them down and publish them online.

(I didn't sleep till past noon, and only for 5-6 hours, ish... but yeah... I started this entry then, and am continuing it now!)

I've been sitting here poking half-heartedly at Dragonrealms (Atma is still 4 weapon ranks away from her next circle) and reading celebrity articles again. So odd that I've become interested in that only during this partial and indefinite hiatus I've been on since last month.

First on my list of celebrity stuff I read is this Richard Dean Anderson fansite. That being the actor who portrayed MacGyver as well as a leading role in Stargate SG-1. There's something both heartening and disappointing about reading about the real life of a character you liked. I guess with the character you end up having certain hopes and expectations, and not all of those are fulfilled.

So hmm... I think that when I'm having a depressive episode one of the best things I can do for myself is help someone else. Strange, that, but I feel a great satisfaction from hearing out people's problems and helping them feel a bit better. I won't say I'm *always* wanting to do it, because sometimes I want time to myself also -- but when I'm feeling particularly bad, focusing on someone else's problems can sometimes shake me out of it.

I don't think I am some sort of counselor though. I sure as hell don't know all the answers. But, I can provide a neutral point of view for people who just want to vent. Sometimes, like today, I can even help someone who has similar symptoms of depression to me. But I always try to refrain from actually diagnosing someone else... I just see they have similar problems to me, so I offer my own ways of dealing with those problems, and a sympathetic point of view because I've suffered it too.

These could apply to one or two people I've known in my life before. Maybe!

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by other special people
4. requires excessive admiration
5. strong sense of entitlement
6. takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy
8. is often envious or believes others are envious of him or her
9. arrogant behavior

The Shame of Not Wanting Children - an essay by Carolyn Ray about making an educated decision whether to have children or not. A large part of it is also devoted to debunking the typical arguments against choosing not to have kids. It's written in '98 but not all that dated, and written in a non-derogatory fashion. In fact, I think it even predates the "childfree" label (thank goodness, because I hate it. I hate it very much.)

A Nation of Wimps - This is a recent Psychology Today article that posits that today's children are growing up to be followers rather than proud individuals because today's parents are too overprotective. I happen to strongly agree with this sentiment because I think of myself as one of those people affected negatively by an overprotected childhood (compounded by the fact I was so fearful of my dad's temper that I'd follow whatever he said was "right" to do so he'd leave me alone.)

More thoughts on these to come... maybe!

...reading about serial murderers! Aka fun with Wikipedia. Which eventually led me to Crime Library. Not sure how, exactly! But I was looking at names of female serial killers and their motivations and that's where I ended up.

The site is a little bit cheesy... kinda sensationalist writing, all that. But some of the authors are pretty good at telling things objectively, I like that. I was reading in particular about the female ones because traditionally people tend to think serial killers are male. Turns out there are women too, and just as prolific in some cases, though their reasons and methodology are different.