TMI

There are sometimes images that can evoke strong reactions in me, no matter how long I go without seeing or remembering them.

I had a moment like that a couple days ago that I wanted to write about, because it actually stunned me for several minutes and stuck with me until I went to bed that day.

[TMI - pretty squicky :/ involves a great deal of talk about vomiting, and some mention of non-consensual sexual fantasies.]

[TMI warning: Themes of abuse, graphic descriptions of sexually demeaning fantasies, etc. The really graphic parts are labeled.]

It's raining outside...
storming actually.

I started my period. I haven't even packed yet. =_=

I ended up caught in some sort of depressive phase before I went to bed because sis was talking to me about... a certain member of my family, and I just...

...

(I write about some strong sexual themes and abuse in this post, though pertaining more to fictional characters than my RL. Still, might not be something everyone wants to read, so I figured I'd give a warning.)

I've wondered at times why I chose Ryshassa's more abusive parent to be her mother. It's created some... unusual situations, I must say.

It's about 7 am, and I know I should have gotten to sleep like... 3 hours ago. I was in bed for almost that long, though. Usually I'm talking to Jon, or we're playing games on PSP or DS in bed, or other bed-related things.

But eventually it gets to the point Jon is getting sleepy, but I'm not. I know that eventually I'll be left with my own thoughts when he goes to bed.

Sometimes he rubs my back, and it helps me get to sleep. Other times, like now... I just don't sleep. I get back out of bed. Usually I end up poking around on the 'net or writing a journal entry. That's why a lot of my most thoughtful and revealing entries tend to be in the early morning.

I wish I could just go to sleep, though. But there's just too much in my head to think about. Here's some of it (note: the TMI part is towards the end.)

I hate leaving one of my depressing posts at the top of the page for too long, so it's time to post before bed. :P

Well, today is Friday, woo Friday! Here's some more things I want to do.
- Poke at starting Soul Collectors page? :O Maybe...
- Some more tweaking of Ruin Dancer Style, though I'm kind of lost as to how much more I can tweak without actually testing it.
- Possibly go n' get copies of Ex2: Dragon-blooded and Ex2: Sidereals, 'cause I hate reading rules stuff on PDFs.
- Possibly run Milena/Diamel ED scene! YAY Diamel. You know what, I realized totally belatedly that I based Diamel's looks on Klavier Gavin from Ace Attorney 4. WTF! Totally didn't notice until now!
- PSU~! It's PSU night, yay. I hope there'll be people who want to play, anyway.
- Read some more of that RP book Fiat sent me. Artesia: Adventures in the Known World. I don't know much to say about it yet except "whoa, history." There's a LOT of history, and names related to said history, in the first part of the book. @.@

This'll be the last post for a little while. Sorry for those of you who have this feed on your LJ friends list.

[Note: Reading some of this may be triggery for people with depressive or related disorders. Also, TMI: I talk about certain fantasies of mine here, again.]

On Monday I tried to run Emberdays but it failed. I can't say in any detail why, but it had something to do with a negative opinion another person had about me. It takes me a long time, sometimes, to really get over that sort of thing. I am bad at taking criticism, but I'm worse when it's bad criticism, especially when it hits upon things I already wonder are bad about myself.

This shouldn't affect Iesan's intro, though -- at least I hope not. When I screw up with ED it tends to have a negative impact on my STing for a while. =_= But, I do have things planned out, I just have to kick my confidence into shape.

This is totally lame (and kind of TMI) but I think I have a UTI again, and it's part of why I can't sleep. I won't go into how I probably got it, since that is even MORE TMI, but argh, ow, wahhh! These happen to me every now and then. I feel a little bit stupid and silly, cause I should have known better. ^^;;

So here I am... drinking lots of water and unsweetened cranberry juice. I don't usually go to a doctor for these unless they last for too long. Besides, again, due to my immigration status it's kind of expensive to in the first place.

I might have a bit of a fever, too, since my good ol' immune system has something to do for once. :P So now I can't go out today like I wanted to. x.x I can't sleep much either so I am just kind of going to sit here, or lie around a lot... in constant low level pain, woo.

This is also making me nervous about diabetes again. Need to be more healthy! *kicks self* Geez. I guess my body is telling me, stop lazing around! D:

This is another post about rape fantasies; in this context I mean "fantasies about being raped", in other words, imagining oneself as the victim of a rape. Just to be clear -- because I recently realized it might be unclear -- this is what I typically mean when I use the term "rape fantasy" in my posts.

Also, fair warning for anyone reading this that might be triggered by a post about rape, even if it is discussed as fantasy, or in a purely theoretical context. Please just don't read if that is the case.

Lastly, I apologize if this post comes across as preachy. This topic is simply very personal to me. I do not expect people to agree with my sentiments just because I happened to write them down and publish them online.

(This lengthy post includes some musings on my sex life. Nothing graphic, because I abhor writing about that publically. But, the topic comes up so... fair warning. :P)

I often say that I feel too old. Old is a relative thing, though. If you think that humans live 70+ years, then yes, I am still young. I have over half my lifespan left... assuming that stress doesn't cut it short, anyway. *shrugs*

But when you think about what a person in their late twenties is expected to accomplish, I'm very old to be the way I am now. I have no college degree, am unemployed, at least a little bit agoraphobic, have no friends I can meet in person, and am ruled by the whims of my depression and anxiety-fueled paranoia.

So here I am musing on things again, and... right now, I'm thinking of Ryshassa.

She was kind of an accident of a concept, as I've mentioned before; I wanted to get into Dragonrealms for my anthropology project (you know, to this day I wish I could've saved that paper... I'd post it. Heh, I bet it's interesting. 16 pages of DR ethnography written at a time the game was still going strong. I'd have to type it out though... the paper, I mean. I still have the final draft somewhere. I just never looked at it 'cause I was shy about what comments the professor wrote. I got an A though.)

...sorry, tangent. So yeah, I made Ryshy as my first character in DR, not realizing she'd end up significant to me in any lasting way.