Secret

Meh... no sleep. I feel like crap.

I've been trying to finish up the Christmas cards which I forgot to send yesterday. I have two I am not even sure I'll send. :( one was for Kalli but dumb me just remembered she changed her address, and I don't HAVE the new one. Bleh.

I was gonna send one to Eni but then I thought "wait will her family think it's weird" 'cause the last time I sent a card I had to send it to a different address and now I'm all confused. So I'll just not send it and send something better on her birthday instead.

Cards will be late, anyway :( Honestly, right now I hate life and would be happy to disappear from it. I have this stupid, irrational wish that I could just exist in a reality where I'm the only real person, because other real people trigger my anxiety when I can't figure out what the hell they really think about me and stuff I do.

FFRPG: I got in! \o/ I'm in the process of creating Bryn for the game now.

Obligatory FF11 update: I trained Talliska in Monk job to 10th. Then switched back to Red Mage. Originally I was going to do White Mage next but Rin said I should wait! I just wanted to leave my options open, since 10th is when we can actually group together. But I'll train RDM to 18th first. (So I can get secondary job.)

I'm going to train both Ninja and Paladin for advanced classes. Not going to mix them together though I don't think. I'm actually going for two different builds I would like to switch between depending on mood: Red Mage / Paladin (MAYBE the reverse, too, only thing is that Paladin doesn't fit my aesthetics for Talli. I'm picky about that. :P But I want /PLD for Auto-Refresh and also better defenses) and Monk / Ninja (I LOVE being a fast fighter. Mmm.)

Something happened earlier that put me in a bad mood.

I hurt my head, too. It was during an argument. My ear was getting better but now my head has a bump.

encrypted entry (PalCrypt) here

I may or may not make a habit of encrypting entries. This one is not hard at all to crack. Mostly I just didn't want the text to end up on search engines and/or be read casually. *shrug*

Anyway, tomorrow... er. Later today I'm supposed to go to the doctor to get that examination I mentioned in another entry. (Part of the process of getting my health card.)

because of recent events my emotional state took another hit and I may have to withdraw for a couple more days. sorry.

Okay so I have a sinus headache, I'm pretty sure that's what it is now. And it sucks. :( Eni and Selina talked about saline rinses and I was all "nuuuuu don'wanna." The idea of sticking liquid in my nose voluntarily boggles my mind. Makes me think I'm making myself drown. x.x

On the other hand, it's neither tolerable nor realistic to have this kind of chronic pain long term. So either the meds I get tomorrow help or it's salt water for me. D:

What else... uh. I totally blanked on what I wanted to write about. I've been sitting here with Kalli, coming up with amusing DR pairings. I got her to start writing Tiv/Kssarh (for srs!) and she just can't stop. Now she's tempting me into writing another pairing that, my god, would get me burned on the stake for considering. :D So it is a sekrit!

I started yet another version of my tag reform, but it's not finished, and I'm too tired to work on it now. n.n Also, RPoL was down for most of today. :( :( My RP fix!! So I hope to get much tag-sorting and RP posting after my errands for tomorrow are done!

Ugh... for some reason I'm way too hot, even though it's 2 am and I have the huge fan at my back. I think I must just be stressed out. :/ Some difficult stuff happened (not to me, though) that got me all tensed up. So I'm gonna lie down soon.

I spent the whole day in DR, and not actually getting many survival ranks. I've just been tweaking these training scripts Manze gave me, which led to a rash of redoing old scripts I already wrote before, and adding some new ones, too. I've got almost everything that I'd actually like to script scripted. :O

And Talliska has something like 12 ranks of general survival until circle 33.

I'm gonna run D&D 4e tomorrow (well, later today!) I'm not all that prepared, but I'm still going to try and test stuff out with Kalli and Jon. I suppose we'll just try and see what happens. :O There's a lot of rules in the DM book, but I think I'm just going to use the basic XP total guidelines and put random stuff per room, and traps. (Dun dun dun!)

It's a mystery how people behave
How they long for a life as a slave

Jon went and pulled out my Cardigans albums and I've been listening to them lately. It interests me how that band started out being known for these rather sugary-pop songs (at least in the U.S., where I first heard them) and ended up producing such darkly beautiful love songs. Like "Paralyzed" on Gran Turismo, "Please Sister" on Long Gone Before Daylight (which Kraken says is his favorite song. I don't blame him!) and "And Then You Kissed Me" parts I and II (the first on Long Gone, the second on Super Extra Gravity, which I just finished listening to.)

Had to cancel Emberdays session. :/ Things were going bad for a while, until late this afternoon.

I'll explain later, maybe. I'm not sure yet how much I want to explain of it. I'm mostly okay, though. I just need some time to myself right now. =_= I'ma also needing to work on Reborn Again RP info, so that'll distract me for much of the week. :O I'm trying to find a hardbound copy of BESM 3rd, which would speed up my working on it significantly.

Anyway, what I've been working on lately... another RPoL character! And you thought I was tired of those.

Huntress of the Seven Plagues - Day Caste Abyssal. Plague-bearer (as per the Debility? I think? But made into a merit) and stealthy archer-type. She's also App 1, due to nasty plague scars. Yes, I'm playing ugly! But not App 0 ugly.

Friday was my day to get out of the apartment for a while. Jon and I walked the whole distance to the mall, that was nearly an hour walk, but great exercise! Kinda tired me out, though, going all that way without even eating beforehand. :x

I almost bought a pretty dress on sale (it was really cute ;.; this kinda offwhite, with brown and burnt orange leafy patterns. I really like those colors on me.) But instead I went and got Final Fantasy Tactics Advance 2 for the DS. Does that make me a total dork, choosing video games over fashion? PROBABLY! :D

I came back and played some PSU (it was a lil late though, like 12 am) which was fun, since I haven't played in like 2 weeks. ;.; And then I talked to sis on Skype a bunch while training Talliska in swimming, skinning and combats. We had a nice conversation about various things. Nothing stressful, really. Work, games, etc.

Well, RP cleanup is done for now. Yeah. I've got s'more time to myself I guess. I probably could have handled it a LOT better, but what's done is done. (I just feel bad because it's my fault for inconveniencing everyone, again.)

Yesterday (Weds) I spent a very LONG part of the day trying to help Jon get Alexsei through his resurrection quest in DR, along with a couple of friends (Halcier and Terra).

Let me just say, this quest could not have failed harder than it did last night. :O First, Halcier ended up dying. We WERE going to get Alexsei to just finish the quest and resurrect him, but he lost a critical item needed to finish it (not his fault, I think he just had the item on him a little too long, and it auto-destructed). So Terra and I tried to get help, but then the HELP died -- and when I and another friend went to help them, WE died.

Yesterday made me rather grumpy.

It's not even anything in particular. Just things that are slowly starting to wear at me emotionally.

Various conversations.
RP issues.
Stuff.

I can't say much detail here... there's personal things involved. In at least one case it's someone fairly close to me.