Personal

Yay for 2009! Oh wait, this is the year I turn 30... *weeps quietly in a corner*

Anyway, sis should be back home by now (I'll have to check on her one more time, but she had a meeting to go to almost as soon as she got off the plane.) So I have the apartment to myself. I need days just to recover from how exhausting it was to have a guest for 10 days. It's not that I don't love my sis, we're just very different people.

The more I am away from the Bay Area, the more I realize how much leaving has changed my lifestyle. I just don't think living there will ever be 'home' again. Part of me is sad because I feel that my choices in life will ultimately distance me from my blood-related family entirely.

Meh... no sleep. I feel like crap.

I've been trying to finish up the Christmas cards which I forgot to send yesterday. I have two I am not even sure I'll send. :( one was for Kalli but dumb me just remembered she changed her address, and I don't HAVE the new one. Bleh.

I was gonna send one to Eni but then I thought "wait will her family think it's weird" 'cause the last time I sent a card I had to send it to a different address and now I'm all confused. So I'll just not send it and send something better on her birthday instead.

Cards will be late, anyway :( Honestly, right now I hate life and would be happy to disappear from it. I have this stupid, irrational wish that I could just exist in a reality where I'm the only real person, because other real people trigger my anxiety when I can't figure out what the hell they really think about me and stuff I do.

FFRPG: I got in! \o/ I'm in the process of creating Bryn for the game now.

Obligatory FF11 update: I trained Talliska in Monk job to 10th. Then switched back to Red Mage. Originally I was going to do White Mage next but Rin said I should wait! I just wanted to leave my options open, since 10th is when we can actually group together. But I'll train RDM to 18th first. (So I can get secondary job.)

I'm going to train both Ninja and Paladin for advanced classes. Not going to mix them together though I don't think. I'm actually going for two different builds I would like to switch between depending on mood: Red Mage / Paladin (MAYBE the reverse, too, only thing is that Paladin doesn't fit my aesthetics for Talli. I'm picky about that. :P But I want /PLD for Auto-Refresh and also better defenses) and Monk / Ninja (I LOVE being a fast fighter. Mmm.)

Cleverbot is supposedly a chat AI that 'learns' to make more clever, human-like responses as people type to it. Very entertaining to talk to, even though sometimes I half suspect there's real people typing back. The fun/amusing thing is that (unless someone's debunked it, and I'm pretty sure Jon would've found it if they did, hehe) I'll never really know!

But it's a fun diversion. You'll find that it's pretty well-versed in internet memes already -- for example I think it can follow along with almost the entirety of Rick Astley's "Never gonna give you up" :P and it knows about things like "over 9000!" and "This is Sparta!" too. Totally useless but amusing knowledge.

Actually, I'm getting better now. But yesterday I was pretty sick, and it sucked! I just sat here and ate a lot and drank a lot of fluids and took medicine. My body's already fought most of it off by today which is neat.

Poor Jon was sick longer than me. But he didn't even get any medicine. :( I should have bought it for him before but I was still all agoraphobic. I'm making him take the rest of my medicine now though.

Also: You people who are using my posts about sexual addiction to advertise an escort service are really messed up, k? I mean, that's like going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with a bunch of booze! "Hey guys, drink this! Your addiction needs quenching!!" :D :D I'm finding my CAPTCHA isn't deterring these, I had 3 distinct cases of this occurring. I will continue to erase them personally though, and if need be take greater measures!

I went out again today, to make a phone call about my check card. The bank told me I have to wait until a month before the expiration 'cause that's when they send the new one out. I tried to get them to send it sooner but they wouldn't. :( So I have to wait and get my parents to forward it next July.

I'm liking that I've been out every day the past three days. Just doing little things at a time, but I'm doing things and I'm getting less anxious. Definitely need more time and exposure to being outside to build my confidence, though.

Next Jan. I hope to finally get started on some French classes, since I won't be in university till the fall. (Again, assuming I get accepted, though I heard from my therapist not long ago that she already sent off the letters on my behalf. That's very encouraging.)

Terminator 2 was one of my favorite movies since I was a kid. Same with Jon, really.

We recently got a hold of a DVD of the first series of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, which follows T2 and actually (conveniently and thankfully) skips over the entirety of T3 with time travel! Ha!

Anyway, we really, really like the series so far. It's more in line with Terminator 1 and 2 than T3 ever was and really breathes new life into the franchise, IMO.

I've read that people think the actress playing Sarah Connor isn't built enough. :P Well, she isn't, but I still think in terms of attitude the woman's got it right. Even more awesome is Cameron, the new Terminator protecting John Connor. I never saw Firefly/Serenity but Cameron's actress is the one playing River Tam. I was amazed that she's actually 27, she TOTALLY does not look it. *boggles!!*

Anyway I just had to add that tidbit before bed, because I'd meant to write about it earlier. Here's hoping we can see the second season soon. :P

I did all my errands on Wednesday. It was hard. I had a lot of anxiety issues. My anxiety gets so terrible nowadays... if I'm doing something that I find stressful, and something unexpected goes wrong, I start to totally freak out. Or I'll focus on too many problems at once (even ones unrelated to what I'm doing immediately).

If I get bad enough I start to panic. I have trouble breathing and I get really irrationally scared of loud noises, which makes it hard to walk around in a big city. I don't regret moving to Montreal for that, I've always really *liked* the city! But my anxiety makes it harder to enjoy what I normally like... :/

Anyway, since then I've just been sitting at home unwinding. Pretty much just poking at RPoL games as usual, though I feel like I spent too much time on them the past couple days.

Well, he won. I'm happy about it. (Apologies to McCain supporters.)

It amazes me seeing the largely jubilant reaction all around the world. Here in Canada, too.

Of course I've got some of the cynic in me. Obama has a huge reputation to live up to and everyone, both Americans and non-Americans are going to be scrutinizing him to see if he can live up to his own standards. I don't expect that it will be easy for him, or that people will be patient enough to wait out the results.

I can say though that seeing him win actually inspired ME, though. I've applied for Canadian colleges now and I'm going today to send for my official transcripts and give my letter of intent and other documents to the campuses.

Maybe I won't have to give up on my future, either.

Sent college apps. :O paid $90 and $85 to send them too, ew. :( But they are sent now. I applied to Concordia and McGill, but I think I have a better chance with Concordia (also, I prefer it... see, this could be my new uni. :O)

I found that permanent residency is not needed to *start* the process. Only that I need to have the Permanent Residency ID before the semester actually starts. And I'm applying for Fall 2009 so I have a lot of time for documents to get where they need to be. I'm feeling a little bit of hope here!

That's what happens when you sit up all night watching Obama speeches. Even if they're just words, they're inspiring. People say he's just saying what people want to hear, preying on Americans' insecurities... but damn, he is a good speaker. I envy him that talent! So since I can't go to the U.S. polls on Nov 4 I'm just going to try and do something to help my life for once.