Relationships

Well, I'm a bit better today. Probably going to be pretty distracted today though... I threw off my sleeping pattern when I had to lie down. I was so sick with stress I was too weak to get up for several hours.

I did rest though, and I talked a lot to Jon and spent time with him. I always worry about the repercussions when my frustration gets the better of me, or my paranoia, my trust and control issues, my anxiety or so on. He is so often my target, because 1) he lives with me, and 2) he is probably the only person I'd hope would still talk to me after I show him my cruelest and most selfish side.

I'm the type of person to expect people to hate, abandon, or discredit me. As friendly and accepting as I can be, I'm very hard to get close to. I'll purposefully withdraw from people when I feel too asocial or anxious. It's easy for me to just disappear, when I don't expect anyone to miss me.

I don't know if this is what dying of stress is supposed to feel like.

My chest has this pressure on it and it's hard to breathe. My left arm and leg are numb and the extremities are prickly. It's kind of like I'm having a panic attack but without the feeling of impending doom.

I don't really feel like doing anything right now. I want to lie down or just go catatonic and not care about anything. On the other hand, I can get myself to do small things. Like, I wrote a RPoL post. Probably the only real effort I made today.

I spent part of the afternoon indulging myself...

Okay, Wednesday is officially my "I am not playing any RP" day this week. Nothing. I've already dropped one game and I have another one in mind to do the same with soon. I'm not going to deal with it till Thurs though.

Just trying to clean up my free time a bit. Even though it makes me look like a total flake, or a bad RPer, or whatever, it's better I admit early that I want out than to keep on with it for weeks and weeks. Sometimes I just go through these periods where I'm bored, or lonely, or whatever, and end up joining every RP I find, then realize "hey wait. I didn't keep my limits in mind." Got to curb my impulsiveness. :/

The only other thing I want to post at the moment is this: Jon's Wardragon 40k music! He composed a song playing live synths, basically a theme song for the game and for the Unity, the flagship of the Unified Forces of Creation.

I'm really proud of it, and of my husband. :D

...this is pretty much the worst I can be right now, temperament and personality-wise. I apologize in advance. :P

Wooooo I'm up at nearly 9 am and not sleeping. Grrr damnit. Whyyyy.

I've actually been poking around in Dragonrealms again. Not much, really. I'm just refamiliarizing myself with my scripts and various commands and stuff. Mostly, I have an urge to train Atma up again... I moved her to Ratha, where I hope she can finally earn decent XP from sprites. (Still very, VERY slowly trying to get back to the level she had before I rerolled her. =_=)

Also, I did something silly and started posting in a couple places for Soul Collectors players. I don't actually expect any responses due to the tons of caveats and criteria I put in, though. Heh. I'm so spoiled when it comes to my RP cause I just can't play without tons of written detail any more. I get bored with oneliner type chat games, they're so... bland.

...you're writing high-fashion outfits for characters in a roleplaying game, and you care enough about the fabrics and design that you spend hours upon hours looking up different dresses and types for the right terminology. And I really do mean hours -- of looking at fashion and dress shop pages. Oh hell yeah. I'm going to be such a fashionista I can come up with outfits in seconds without reference! Eventually! *shake fist*

But onto my explanation. My fashion searches for the "Women of Emberdays" (heh!) just now led me to this page: Moiré patterns. Basically a word to describe the pattern of watered silk. I looked at this page and went "o shit! there's EQUATIONS ON THERE!" and Jon gives me this telling look, like, "You are the ULTIMATE DORK!"

I have to admit, once my passion for RP and fashion crossed simultaneously into mathematics, it DOES seem pretty dorky. ^^; But whatever, 'cause he's looking at pages on Warhammer 40K miniatures. (Right now he is apparently chatting on #tower about the virtues of the Tau. XD)

You know, I really think I married the right guy. :D

Wooooo, I had wine. (It was red, of course... a merlot.) Mmm. I totally don't hold my alcohol well. But, I still feel good.

We splurged and went to a really, *really* nice steakhouse called Charbon, not very far from where we live in Old Quebec. This place has the *perfect* ambiance for a romantic date. :O Warm (reddish hues) but not too bright lighting, spacious tables and seating... just perfect. The feeling I got from eating there is that they are a high class restaurant, but there isn't an elitist attitude to it, as if you have to be a certain KIND of person to get ideal service. Customer service and comfort is as highly ranked as their food, which is beyond fantastic.

Yesterday, or this morning, I stayed up reading all of YU+ME:dream (well of what's available so far). It's a pretty comic... the art style improved so much over each issue. I thought that not knowing what being "gay" means was a little too naive of the main char, and there are some convenient plot points and cliches. But the story and art and characters still really drew me in, and I finished it in one sitting.

Oddly the fact it's billed as a lesbian comic didn't really cross my mind until after I was done reading it. Heh... but I think love should not be limited by gender, so, that's probably why. The only limit should be personal preference, IMO. [Edit: Not that I think my opinion has any impact on anything... and I really need to stop editing this post obsessively. I guess I feel kinda weird writing about stuff I don't know much about. i.e. being straight myself, and all.]

(This lengthy post includes some musings on my sex life. Nothing graphic, because I abhor writing about that publically. But, the topic comes up so... fair warning. :P)

I often say that I feel too old. Old is a relative thing, though. If you think that humans live 70+ years, then yes, I am still young. I have over half my lifespan left... assuming that stress doesn't cut it short, anyway. *shrugs*

But when you think about what a person in their late twenties is expected to accomplish, I'm very old to be the way I am now. I have no college degree, am unemployed, at least a little bit agoraphobic, have no friends I can meet in person, and am ruled by the whims of my depression and anxiety-fueled paranoia.

These are the days, the end complete
A world still turning to the sound of the suffering
You are the jury, we are the saints

Our minds divide, the past repeats
A war still brewing in the hearts of those we once bled
I am the knowing...the living dead
-- Coheed and Cambria, "The End Complete"

I have been thinking lately about Anthegenia, Sophia and Lonan.

The whole concept of Anthegenia was born from the B&B RP, which I consider one of my biggest screwups as an ST. :x Actually, I'm a screwup as an ST in general, because my anxiety fucks me up SO badly. I've looked at how I run when I'm not anxious and I think it's actually ok, even good. But when I am, every post is a struggle. :/