Friends

I've been having a hard time figuring out how to write entries lately, for some reason. Like so much has happened, or is in the process of happening, that I just have NO idea where to start, where to end and how to divide it up.

Well, to make it easy for myself I'll open with the easier topic, that is, my return to online life. :O

First thing I did coming back was get back on AIM and IRC, of course. That was on Friday. Immediately had a lot of chatting to do. ^^; I was missed, despite all my usual fears, and that was nice to know, even though for a while there I was thinking about not returning at all.

We finally got 'net set up here today. Sheesh, took a while. The cable guys had to actually drop a wire from the rooftop, drill holes through our walls, and staple the wire along our ceilings. And it took 'em a few days to figure out how.

We don't even have PHONE yet. n.n On the other hand, I did hear from Kalli, today!! Turns out her phone just wasn't working at all where she moved. *sadface* BUT she ended up moving in with her uncle who has net access. :O So it looks like I'll get to see her now and then online when her uncle's girlfriend isn't using her comp. This is very awesome!

I have a lot to write about but I'll have to do it later. Going to take a walk (I've been exercising lately!) Let me tell you, Montreal is such a relief for me... there's stores open till 9 pm or even later over here, every day! It feels more like where I *used* to live, but it's different. It's amazing how truly bilingual it is here, too.

Oh and check out my status. I'm playing FF12 again! GASP! And I finished watching Gundam Seed. I want to watch more Gundam series now. n.n

Well the move got pushed forward again, but it's a good thing, because we're not even done getting the place clean before heading out.

I feel kind of bad, because I told everyone I'd be moving today, but then plans changed. We still have some junk lying around, the walls are dirty, etc. so there's still work to be done. (Edited for clarity :P) But I COULD be around, since Jon is doing most of the heavy work due to me being a worthless loser. I even got on PSU yesterday cause I really, really wanted to try Max Attack G part 2 while we took a break from stuff. Just a couple hours, but still. :/

I feel my life is a waste unless I'm around for people or doing things for people. Maybe people need me around and I'm just flaking out. Like, am I going to come back online at the new place and realize people are upset at me because I could've been around on Fri or part of Sat but I wasn't?

The other thing on my mind right now is about Kalli.

Erm... well...

Sorry I've been really scarce online, just not much in the mood to be about what with the upcoming move and my mood lately. Honestly, I'm not even sure we'll get everything done that needs doing before Friday. Still a lot left unpacked and I hardly have any motivation to help. *sigh* Jon kept telling me I didn't have to help, and now we only have two days left with too many things still left unpacked. (I've actually been embellishing the truth with some people about just how much we have done, heh.)

I don't even know how we're bringing some of our stuff to Montreal ourselves, when I don't even have my car back or know whether it runs properly!

Tonight was a pretty wearying evening in DR. As usual, RP is srs bizness, in Elanthia. It gets like that when you've poured years and years (for some people, over a decade) of training, backstory and interaction into your character. Gotta try really hard not to take it too personally, sometimes. 'Cause it's a game, and not RL.

On the other hand... my games are sometimes all the interaction I have with people. I've not hid the fact I've been practically a shut-in for 3 years, I suffer from major depression, I have serious anxiety issues and hardly any self-esteem to speak of. I don't have many friends, online and off, and I have trouble trusting the few I do have. It means I often feel alone even if I'm not, and I'll expect betrayals even if none are there.

Sometimes they are there. But that's another thing entirely.

The Twilight Ball in DR was (amazingly) pretty fun. Ryshy and Alexsei were there all the way until people were booted out of the Keep 'cause the event was over.

Mostly Alexsei was introducing her to tons and tons of people and she was being all sociable and happy for once. Heh, who knew it. Maybe it was all the wine she drank and cake she ate. She and Alexsei had a couple dances on the floor too, though once he started dancing with others Ryshy was pretty much nonexistant to everyone else -_^

Only two people actually noticed the gown, too. Two, maybe three, I dunno. It's an original, but well, Ryshy is kind of not-noticeable I guess. Alexsei's outfit was pretty hawt though, and the cane got him a lot of attention.

Kalli's leaving tomorrow... I guess I've not been very much in the mood to post.

I've been irritable for the past few days. One could say that I have trouble trusting people and thus my first thought is to assume they think ill of me, or think me a burden. I'm very paranoid about that, and enough suspicion on my part can make me just want to disappear.

I feel like I can say little to anyone lately. :/ I've been making an effort to, lately, especially now that I won't be talking Kalli's ear off, but my urge is just to be withdrawn. Maybe it's the big change coming up for me (note: we are indeed moving August 1st.) I have no idea. I know I ought not to discredit my friends -- there are people that truly care about me. But I get paranoid they might change their minds, so I keep a certain distance. Maybe they're just saying x just to be nice, is what my depression says.

So I spend most of my time playing Dragonrealms and Sims 2.

Kalli is moving to a new place starting this weekend, and she won't have internet there. *sniff* At least not for a few months maybe. I will miss her so very much. I cried a lot when she first told me, because we've finally managed to get back in touch and talk regularly, and now we're going to lose that for a while (no RPz or DR either. *sad*)

It's totally the right decision for her to move, though, and I'm both happy and proud she's doing it. Change can be intimidating -- it certainly is for me, after I've become too used to my current surroundings and circumstances -- but change can also be for the better. Both she and I need to become more confident and independent when it comes to real life responsibilities and such. So I hope that our respective moves will help us improve the quality of our lives and allow us to take more control of our future.

After she moves, I'm going to be checking my email every day for word from her (if she can get online somewhere) and posting photos of my new home, maybe even sending her some books as presents while she has no 'net. For now though, I still have a few days of Kalli left :D and so I will hog them! MINE!

Sorta... I mean it's not a big deal, just going to the mall to get the D&D 4e books and maybe a bite to eat.

Speaking of 4e, I ran some of Roguelike Adventures and Kalli really liked it ^^ So that was nice to know. She said I'm better than 90% of the DMs she's played with, but then again, most of those games were face to face, not online. Online is a very different animal, I've found.

But I am apparently good at creating suspense on the fly, at least in writing. :O

What I'm not so good at is figuring out when to call a skill check, or coming up with appropriate DCs for 'em. I may have to put Exalted-ish house rules because I boggle at the idea of 1) binary failing or succeeding, rather than levels of success or failure, 2) not being able to reward players for making creative posts (i.e. stunt bonus).

So I've been letting myself rest... it's nice. ^^

Today I've just been playing Etrian Odyssey 2, messing with DR and chatting with peoples.

I found out there is interest in me making a Tower Between Worlds MUD again. :O It looks like it might be based on Smaug, which happens to be one of the types of muds I've never played. Figures! It's more of the hack n' slash type, so there will be actual potential for combat and character advancement, unlike previous Tower projects. *boggles at this*

But it'll be a small project, more like a playground for a few of us to mess with building and writing descriptions and such. Mostly it'll be Eni and Kalli and me, it looks like. Maybe others if there is interest.

Dunno yet when it'll be set up -- probably next month? Or Sept? So let me know if working on Tower MUD interests you.