Sheesh... totally couldn't sleep (I've slept less than 4 hours so far) 'cause it got REALLY HOT in the room. The sun strikes the window pretty directly around 10-11am now. Whew! Today is apparently shaping up to be a nice early spring day.

I'm going to be out for part of the day at least. Jon and I were going to celebrate our 6th year as a couple (March 9th) last week but instead we're doing it this week 'cause I think I was busy that day, or something... or maybe just not in the mood to go out, I have no idea...

Also I finished watching Sailormoon S. That was a pretty satisfying series, except that I REALLY think the Daimons were weird designs. There were better monster designs in earlier ones! Haruka/Michiru were definitely a plus though and so was Hotaru(Saturn) who reminded Jon and I a great deal of Ryshy/Sophia.

I wish I had the determination to write my story about Ryshy and her mother and etc. but there's two things that tend to hold me back:

1) Calling up the extreme self-loathing and sexual masochism stuff could backfire on me (triggering stuff)
2) Not sure it's a worthy story to tell -- would it help people? would it have some relevance I could express to others, rather than it just being a big piece of catharsis-fic?

Again I find myself having a hard time writing without an audience... I guess because I can't judge myself without others to measure myself by, whether the criteria has to do with competition or opinion. It's extremely unhealthy to be this way, though. For example, I spent THE ENTIRETY of yesterday working on RPoL things including setting up for a new Exalted game experiment set in Dreams of the First Age material, because I wanted to evoke responses -- and THEN I still had to put more time just to make sure I updated every thread in my other games so that people would have things to respond to. 'Cause honestly I feel like if I don't post no one will respond.

I don't understand it, honestly... I try discussing this with Jon and Selina but I'm not sure what it is that makes people just suddenly stop wanting to post in my games. Jon seems to suggest that people just can't keep up with my creativity. I'm too demanding of a ST because creating is my entire life. I have such a prolific imagination that I can come up with ideas to post even if I'm down in the dumps completely distracted with stress. But most people can't do that... they just see RPoL as a daily distraction so they post when they want to and when it's fun.

What am I really looking for? I told Selina that maybe what I really want isn't players for my game but people to tell stories with. I want to collaborate with them! I don't want them to be passive players who force me to write engaging material to get them involved enough. I want them to care enough about their characters, the story and the game to provide some of the impetus themselves. Take an active role, plan for the long term, contribute creativity and so on.

Basically, I want people to write WITH, not write FOR. But people who do the former have to show a certain devotion to their creative impulses. Most people don't have the time or energy for that and that's understandable. But for some reason I just keep wishing more people did. I have so much to tell and I wish I could involve others in it.

I don't even know how it changed. When I wrote Reborn Again, I was certainly not writing FOR anyone. I was doing it for myself, and I think that's when my writing was the most honest. I've lost that impulse, somehow, to do it just for me. If I sit down and try to pen the first chapter of Ryshy's tale -- a story I've wanted to write for years -- I end up all bogged down in detail: what will people think if I write this, is it necessary? is it clear? and so forth.

I can't get to the heart of what it is I'm trying to tell any more. I'm lost in the desire to prove myself. And what for? If I always need others to approve of me to get things done, I can never be an independent person. I can never reach all those lofty dreams I want to accomplish.

It's sad... it makes me sad to think that I may die like this, a person who has accomplished nothing.

It's not like I've lost my will to fight, but I'm stuck. I don't know how to make that step where I can stop putting so much weight on what others think of me, where I need expectations and guilt to push me to action. At this rate I may just never have a future. I'll sit here in this room till I'm dead, writing stories for others while suffering for my 'art', because the only way I know how to live is to live by sacrificing myself.

I mean, IS there some magical step? Is there a switch where I'm just going to stop being this way and start being something else? Is it really a gradual thing like my husband says, that I just have to keep being aware of my issues and forcing myself to think about them, realize the effect they have on my decisions?

Right now I could think about the fact I keep waffling about taking a RPoL break. I'll take today off... but I was going to take tomorrow off too. Then I started having doubts. If I'm away till Wednesday will people stop posting? Will I have to work doubly as hard to retain interest? Will x game exceed mine in posts now, even though it has fewer players, just more devoted players? It's like I can't bear the thought.

I actually had to sit here thinking "Why the heck do I have to CARE so much?" They're not people I know personally anyway. And if they can't write to keep up with my quantity, or write more active, involved posts, or interact without my prompting, it's not MY fault. It's just their playstyle.

Still, even if I sit here telling myself that, I don't even believe it most of the time. :P Just feels like I'm making up stuff to reassure myself rather than facing the fact I'm just really BAD at writing and STing. I even made up my new game idea (which is called the Academy of Celestial Learning, a First Age academy set in Anthegenia) as an experiment to see whether players could be self-motivated with very little prompting from me.

But I really want to be *free* of my fears. I can't do anything else with my life right now. Not even play Sims 2 or do more stuff with Selina and Kalli. Not do my French studies or my exercises or even just go out once or twice a week. I used to think specific games caused this -- but it turns out it's not even the games. It's actually me. But how do I fix me? I seem to have reached this plateau of progress and I'm going around in circles over and over trying to figure out the same elusive point.

I could keep writing about this forever :( but never get anywhere with it. Maybe today will help. I'm going to get some sun and I'm going to eat at a nice restaurant. Too bad my hair isn't cut, it looks ugly :( I look ugly. :P

P.S. I ended up putting Cult of Luna on while writing this and Jon made a comment about "morning music". Haha, my morning music is dark, brooding drone music. I suppose that is fitting for me. (Eternal Kingdom is definitely one of my favorite albums ever, though.)