Building up confidence.

I went out again today, to make a phone call about my check card. The bank told me I have to wait until a month before the expiration 'cause that's when they send the new one out. I tried to get them to send it sooner but they wouldn't. :( So I have to wait and get my parents to forward it next July.

I'm liking that I've been out every day the past three days. Just doing little things at a time, but I'm doing things and I'm getting less anxious. Definitely need more time and exposure to being outside to build my confidence, though.

Next Jan. I hope to finally get started on some French classes, since I won't be in university till the fall. (Again, assuming I get accepted, though I heard from my therapist not long ago that she already sent off the letters on my behalf. That's very encouraging.)

Oh, and I'm still looking for a protective symbol to purchase. Jon and I walked into this occult store yesterday (apparently it also houses the center for pagan knowledge in Montreal) and I got the thought of incorporating protective gemstones too. I'm not really a believer in such things as a religious faith -- to me it's all psychological -- but whatever works, right?

So, all that to say... I am doing better. But right now I am very much preferring my solitude from being social online. I'm not sure *why* really. I do come around for RP, and for PSU now and then, but mostly I just hog my alone time or husband time or video gaming time and keep pouring all my creativity into Roleplay Online.

I realize I'm disconnecting further from my friends online. :( There's a bunch of people I haven't talked to much at all in weeks. I guess that I'm just so relieved at my latest progress that I don't want it to get shaken up by people who say things that might mean well, but inadvertently trigger me. Or feel that I have to lend an ear for other peoples' problems (not that they necessarily ask me to, it's more a feeling of obligation on my part) when I am quite busy dealing with my own.

The way I feel right now, I think that I am not being very good at keeping my friendships, but it actually matters a bit less -- not because I no longer care, but because I'm actually giving myself the freedom to care about myself above others a bit. And it's not just for me: I don't particularly like to make myself very visible around friends if I know I'm moody or easily irritable or just not in a talkative mood. I might end up hurting someone else, too, or making them feel ignored, or something like that. So I just withdraw, and wait until I'm in a better state.

How long will that last... I don't know. It's hard for me to say. I think that in some cases, I've withdrawn enough that I may never return to my previous involvement: I think that's particularly true with OpenRPG games, since I'm really only in one that's still running now. (Emberdays... I want to go back to it! :( but it may not be till next year, when I actually have all the confidence I'm building from RPoL under my belt.) As a result all the IRC channels I joined while I was heavy into OpenRPG are just getting less and less attention from me.

Eventually, though, when I'm functioning better, I'm sure I'll get in one of those "really need interaction" modes... but I'm not sure how I'll get that interaction. Whether it'll be a return to real-time RP, or Dragonrealms, or another MMO, or even *gasp* RL interaction (unlikely at this stage, but you never know!) I can only guess.

Oh, another thing I should mention: I'm kinda getting sick. ;_; Jon was sick for a while (still getting over it) and I think I caught what he's got. I'm trying to stay medicated so it's not too overwhelming, since it's still in the early stages... with luck I'll only have a mild case. I hope!