College apps out of the way... anxiety, etc.

I did all my errands on Wednesday. It was hard. I had a lot of anxiety issues. My anxiety gets so terrible nowadays... if I'm doing something that I find stressful, and something unexpected goes wrong, I start to totally freak out. Or I'll focus on too many problems at once (even ones unrelated to what I'm doing immediately).

If I get bad enough I start to panic. I have trouble breathing and I get really irrationally scared of loud noises, which makes it hard to walk around in a big city. I don't regret moving to Montreal for that, I've always really *liked* the city! But my anxiety makes it harder to enjoy what I normally like... :/

Anyway, since then I've just been sitting at home unwinding. Pretty much just poking at RPoL games as usual, though I feel like I spent too much time on them the past couple days.

I think I have a little of anxiety about them too :( Not sure about whether I'm doing combat well or not. There's a battle going on in one of my games where I feel like I've overpowered the Water Stylist and her people, but I was going based on the pools I saw from the characters and thought it'd be good enough. I probably judged wrong, though. I was trying to present a decent challenge (I probably should have just let the Ebon Shadow stylist kill her right off, I didn't want to give the impression that their escape would be a walk in the park though) but now I feel like I overdid it. :(

In Outcastes I actually finished a big battle which was nice, but I wonder if people are going to lose interest now that there's no combat. Even though I even through 2 ships and a bunch of loot to my PCs. Oh well, maybe it's just that they're all busy 'cause it's Friday, huh.

Just don't know how to judge whether I'm doing well or not. Man, the Water Stylist battle is really bugging me now. I really feel like I should've just let them kill her early on after all. I mean, now what am I going to do when they continue running and have to deal with the dragon-armored people above? Blah. :( I feel like I screwed up, so I can't feel like enjoying anything 'cause now I feel like I'm bad at it and really want to fix it. Damn... I really just wish I could enjoy things without freaking out at what people think.

Well, at least I don't have to worry about college stuff for a little while. I even got my letter back from mom... she seems to think I should stay up here too. Well, it's probably for the best, right? I think I can make it if my applications work out, but I can't really be certain until April comes around.

So that basically means I get to hibernate a few months longer. :O I actually kind of like that fact, lets me mess with my games and I just hope that somewhere along the way I'll be able to get therapy before class begins.

*fidgets over her games some more* gah... I can't tell if my players are playing bad or if I'm just being a cruel ST. n.n

I should really go to sleep now though!