I did it... well, did SOMETHING, anyway.

Sent college apps. :O paid $90 and $85 to send them too, ew. :( But they are sent now. I applied to Concordia and McGill, but I think I have a better chance with Concordia (also, I prefer it... see, this could be my new uni. :O)

I found that permanent residency is not needed to *start* the process. Only that I need to have the Permanent Residency ID before the semester actually starts. And I'm applying for Fall 2009 so I have a lot of time for documents to get where they need to be. I'm feeling a little bit of hope here!

That's what happens when you sit up all night watching Obama speeches. Even if they're just words, they're inspiring. People say he's just saying what people want to hear, preying on Americans' insecurities... but damn, he is a good speaker. I envy him that talent! So since I can't go to the U.S. polls on Nov 4 I'm just going to try and do something to help my life for once.

There's a lot of documents left to mess with though. For example:

Sending official transcripts. I have a total of... THREE. And the universities want them all. D: I will also be printing unofficial ones to drop off, since of COURSE I made copies and have carried them all these years. I am also writing a letter of intent to go with it, which I will print and sign, and the copy of my old therapist's letter pertaining to my withdrawal from SJSU, as part of my "extenuating circumstances" claim for my poor performance in school in the past.

One thing I noticed about my SJSU transcript, though, is that the only things I actually failed were always freaking Physical Education classes. Figures! The rest were all withdrawals (one was unauthorized, or whatever it's called? UW, in any case.)

Also, my De Anza one, other than my freak F in Perl the first time around :P has all As. Bizarre. I actually have a 4.0 at De Anza. Gee, wish I had a 4.0 in the other ones. :(

I left with a 2.4 from UC Riverside... and a 3.0 at SJSU. All put together I have a 2.7. I've mentioned the numbers before, I'm sure, but still boggles me when I actually look back at it and realize it's not so bad for someone who suffered severe depression through most if not all her college career. Not to mention myasthenia -- I seriously remember driving to classes at UCR with double vision and not being able to eat properly because I couldn't swallow, and just... not saying anything about it to anyone. I lost 20 pounds in a month at one point and I wasn't even trying to diet. That was crazy and very unhealthy.

SO... I dunno. Maybe the universities here will be kind and give me one more shot. :( It's my last one. Maybe my only shot at putting behind all the regrets I have in life. You know? There's just this part of me that could never let it rest. But there's also the risk that I may just make myself worse if I end up failing again. I mean, why does my worth have to be based on finishing college, right?

But I just have to try. Maybe I'll be refused and then I'll not have a clue what to do. But I won't know unless I try so that's why I'm trying.

These past few weeks have been scary for me. I told Selina I don't even feel like I recognize myself. I'm turning into something ... not me. I'm just hiding from everything, I have no energy for anything. My days feel like I'm looking out at this blank, grey field of nothing ahead of me. Yet at the same time, I still have this intense desire to DO things. Even in my worst days I still had all this impetus and energy to start TWO RPoL games that honestly, I think are going fairly well (well, when I'm not having a "I suck at this!" moment).

I want to get out of this terrible place I'm in. I'm not sure if I'm actually getting out yet or if this is just a brief burst of energy or what... but doing something is better than NOT doing anything at all.

Argh, anyway, back to writing business letter. Man, I really feel awkward writing these.