no respect, no happiness, no escape

wtf, I go out, try to have a normal day despite the crap circumstances of my life. then I go to the pharmacy and some stupid *bitch* asks if I'm a tourist because I don't understand or answer her French which was way too fast for me.

(more bitching below, i'm not happy right now)

I was so damned PISSED. I have lived and struggled and waited futilely here for four years, just for my immigration and my health insurance and all this stuff to CLEAR, and some dumb bitch calls me a TOURIST because I'm not well adjusted enough for her tastes?!??? WTF there are PLENTY of people who speak only English, or mostly English. There are international students here who use English as their common language. WHY couldn't she assume I'm a college student or something? WHY DO I HAVE TO BE A TOURIST?

I'm even a permanent resident now, I went through an ungodly amount of time and a soul-crushingly demeaning interview and getting ARRESTED and my passport confiscated, I stuck with it ANYWAY to get the residency. but no, because I don't feel comfortable speaking French, because my ANXIETY makes it hard, I'm lumped in with ignorant American tourists who go around being obnoxious thinking everyone will just answer and serve them in their language. I'm NOT LIKE THAT DAMNIT I'm SCARED!!!!

So fucking sick of this crap. All the WAITING, all the IGNORANCE from people who don't comprehend even an iota of how hard it is to be depressed and anxious in a new country that you never quite feel accepted in! Yeah, I wish I could leave!! But unless someone else wants to take in a person like me, and take care of my immediate needs and at least help me get therapy so I can start making my life better again, the ONLY place I have to return to is my parents' house. I have to accept that I can't make it over here, I just FUCKED UP and the only thing left for me is to do whatever they say because I'm too inept to make my life better!

I have this selfish wish, right now, that someone could just miraculously appear out of nowhere and say "yes, I will take you in for as long as it takes for you to recover, and you can live somewhere where people speak English and won't look down on you for it, and you won't have to wait months and months just to be even basically independent with a bank account and the means to get therapy!" I WISH I could have just moved somewhere else in the States! I almost want to ask some of my online friends whether they'll just let me live with them for a while. But I can't, because I don't have enough money to contribute, I'd just be a dependent and a drain on their resources!

But even more than finding someone like that, I wish I could just NOT be limited by my damn illnesses any more. I would just get the fuck out and move! I would go and get a job with the web and sysadmin knowledge I have and I'd get a bank account and I'd have insurance! I could choose somewhere in the States to live where I'm more likely to feel like I belong! I wish. I WISH that would happen because I don't want to feel like an outsider, like a devalued person in this country any more. I don't want my parents to think I'm inept at being an adult any more!

But instead I'm stuck here... It feels like no one is going to help me. I'm just going to be tossed distant hopes and then keep sitting here waiting for them to happen. Why can't there be another way that doesn't involve me going back to my parents or an asylum? Can't I live in a place I'm comfortable in, that's accepting of me, AND keep my dignity and independence too? No, I guess not, because there's no place for someone like me who can't live by the rules and doesn't have the confidence to beat the odds.

Now that I've written this, though, Jon will likely push me into leaving again, because the guilt he feels from my complaining seems to wipe out any understanding of my situation. So who knows where I'll end up? God, I just want to wake up and have this terrible life be all a nightmare. I want to wake up and actually have the power to make my life better instead of having to depend on everyone else who either messes it up or makes me wait or drags me down with their thoughtless comments. If I wish hard enough, will I finally be free? Probably not. Not unless I died, and I STILL can't make myself choose that.

BTW I was so upset that when I pulled my shoe off at home I pulled a muscle in my leg, so I can hardly even MOVE any more. That's great! Now I can't even get up to go anywhere even if I wanted to!