RPoL games, depression thoughts... moth Lunar?

Wow... my writing ability is shot. Too much RPoL. I swear, I need to do something else with my time for a while. But man do I really love writing. There's something empowering about it for me that I've missed in a lot of other activities I've done.

Not-quite-secretly I am actually co-GMing in another RPoL game, besides the Outcastes one I'm running. I do not know how long I'll keep doing it. I figure until next year or something like that. I'll have all the winter months for plenty of sitting on my ass writing.

The entire reason I even signed up for co-GMing was me being isolated and with nothing better to do. Didn't even think I'd be accepted, and I was. So I feel kinda like I ought to give it a shot. I will admit the game has some quirks I'm not as fond of though. But the challenge of writing in a game that's 1) run much more loosely than I like, 2) has plot elements I find kinda awkward, actually appeals in some way. I suppose it's as close I get to feeling accomplished about something in my dismal life. But maybe I'll get tired of it. I dunno.

I sit here a lot nowadays and poke the reload button over and over lately to see if I've gotten new posts. Haha. I know I could automate it, but it's not as satisfying. But man, do I need to have a life. I'm just afraid of even staying in contact with people (online or off) because I seriously don't want to be triggered about college or work or immigration or any sort of responsibility I feel terribly guilty or helplessly frustrated over. I just can't take having to worry about it any more, or rage over how I've been screwed over and can't change it, or burn with envy over options other people have but take for granted.

I'm in a very dark state right now. Stress is making me lose hair. My skin is drying up. I'm more prone to infection. I'm lazy and I'm despondent. My sleep patterns are shot. I don't have headaches any more but the chest pains are coming back. I've pretty much reached a point where if I don't just cut myself off from all the agony of real life concerns, my powerlessness and my extreme shame at that powerlessness, I'll never gain the momentum to recover from this mood and improve. I'll just sit here wallowing in my aches and pains and self-pity and loathing for the world and myself.

I wish I hadn't pushed myself this far again. Over and over I go through life thinking I can just *make* myself improve because I feel compelled to by some desperation that time is running short. Or people are expecting me to do this or that, and I don't want to disappoint them or make them think less of me. But it never, ever works. Every time, 100% of the time, I end up here -- asocial, paranoid and irritable. Drained of my ability to do much at all but the minimum of being alive. Cutting off all activities but the few things I can enjoy without feeling pressure to perform, or to smile when I don't feel like smiling.

I'm also aware these periods of social withdrawal and severe depression come over me every few months. It won't help when winter comes, either, since my past entries show it tends to worsen my already bad mood. I'm dreading it, honestly. I hope, I really, really hope I can get at least medicine or (even better) therapy before winter sets in, but... I'm kind of feeling hopeless about that, too. I've nothing left, no way to get financial aid or cheap insurance until Fall 2009.

A large part of me is just too impatient to get better, get my life on track, that I act as if there's some formula to making it better: if I do x by y time, then z will happen! But circumstances and my own (often weighty) limitations don't always work with that formula. And that tends to make me freak out, because as soon as one part of it screws up, the entirety screws up. It's very hard not to judge myself for that, thinking "how others can do it this much easier, so why can't I?" Or even if I understand why, I still worry incessantly about what people will think of me if I don't do things like normal people do.

......Switching gears (I got sidetracked for a few hours), I just wanted to note down a Lunar idea I would like to write out some day. A Changing Moon lunar with a moth (of some specific breed I haven't thought of yet) totem that does my favorite acting/disguise techniques I've used in so many other characters (Jadira is one, I'm actually reworking her character sheet for Exalted 2e now!)

Jon also pointed out that a moth Lunar's war form would SO be Mothra, which is true enough! Hah! But mostly I thought of moths because of that one moth species that text book will often use as an example of natural selection. The ones that were originally speckled white to match the bark of trees, but when the Industrial Revolution happened, predominantly bred coal black because they could hide from predators better on the now coal-dust stained trees. Too lazy to look up the name.

Also: slake moths. If you've read China Mieville's Perdido Street Station you know what I mean. :D