Sanity low, hopelessness high...
I am going to take the next week to try and figure out my fate. Basically going to try and start the college app process despite the massive setbacks I'm still facing (no working phone number, no bank account, no health card and etc.) so I can at least have something I can feel is progression in life.
I may also be
- working on dice roller; with some suggestions from Kraken I am taking a slightly different and hopefully easier approach. But it also requires some AJAX... ewww. (And why does the name 'AJAX' even exist? I mean, AJAX = DHTML, pretty much.)
- putting up Paypal donation button. Money is needed. :(
- considering buying webspace based in Canada and actually starting up a low-pay web hosting service.
- playing Atlantica (Aemris @ Macedon server) and RPoL games when taking a break from work/responsibilities.
Something else I'd like to point out is that my relationship with my husband is not always fun and games. We aren't always happy; we have arguments and problems like everyone else. He can't always make me feel better or fix what's wrong with my life, much as he would like to.
We don't have a perfect relationship. No one does. There are times I have problems or concerns that I can't even tell him. So assuming I always have someone to talk to is not true. Assuming my problems will eventually get better because he is by my side is not always true, either.
Depression is not something a single man can cure. And there are problems in my life beyond just depression -- my illness just exacerbates those problems and makes them increasingly unbearable. My life has been in a standstill partly because of my extreme lack of motivation or confidence to change my situation, and because circumstances (paperwork delays and so forth) just keep hindering me from doing the few things I actually DO feel confident doing, like getting into college and starting therapy again.
About medical insurance: the health care I am eligible for by marriage does not cover psychotherapy. I would have to get extended health insurance. My university, assuming I get into it, can provide that, but I may still need to get private insurance for even more cost to cover whatever therapist I may choose. So. it's not impossible. But it involves throwing money at it, money I currently do not have and will not have until I can finally get my passport back and start the process of getting a bank loan.
The hopelessness I feel is enough for most people to want to end their lives. Circumstances are out to sabotage the plans I want to make to better my life, and I find myself lacking the energy to face the crushing reality of my situation because I can't feel the effort is worth the meager gain. If not for my little pleasures -- my games and RP, at least the RP I do that *isn't* stress inducing -- I would have no reason to get up at all. My fantasy life, my character creations, they are a large part of what keeps me living... because if I die, they will die with me.
But just because I won't go and kill myself tonight, doesn't mean I'm going to be okay. My husband nearly walked out on me more than once this week out of utter despair and frustration, because he feels powerless to help my situation when all he tries to do leads to further delays and no opportunities for treatment. I don't hate him or blame him for that. He has his limits too, and I have pushed them so far because my utter rage at my hopeless situation has made me very, very cruel to him.
I had to beg at him to stay with me. More than once he tells me that I'd be better off leaving. Leaving where? I tell him. How will leaving guarantee I'll do anything at all with my life, when I have to have my husband actually *serve me food* or I won't even bother eating? If I DO help myself it will only be because of pride or survival instinct. It won't be because I give a shit about myself.
I wish I could free him from me. I feel bad he is legally obligated to take care of me, and that I always have to pull that card when he feels discouraged enough to give up. Of course... if he left tonight, it's not like he would have done much except sleep in the subway and get arrested. HE can't get a job either while we have no phone line and can't even receive calls for him to get interviews. He feels powerless too... it just so happens to be because giving me happiness is the one thing he truly aspires to achieve.
My husband can't give up on me to save his own life. He would only give up on me in the hopes it'd push me to act and do something for myself for once. But it didn't work last time he tried that. I don't know if it would this time, either.
That's all for now. Expect my presence to be sporadic until next weekend.
