Gaming, good and bad

Mmm, I spent a while today playing in this awesome new MMO: Atlantica. It's a turn based strategy MMO set in some sort of alternate real world (maybe 1500s ish?), and I am enjoying it enough that I think it'll be a keeper. :D More about that later.

Oh and I went and messed with the PS3 for a bit also. Jon and I finished Metal Gear Solid 4 a little while ago, and since it's our only game (right now) we were poking around with the Playstation Store. Downloaded some free demos, including Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, which is *really* great fun to play. I had a blast with the controls, and marveling at the very real physics engine (force grip, whee!)

But first the bad stuff...

My desire to run games in real time is at an all time low. I'm sad because it's Emberdays and I LOVE ED/the Realm. But I am pushing against my limitations, here. I just can't do it in my current state of mind. I may really *want* to, I may really enjoy the plotting and the RPing, but the stress and expectation of running 1) in real time, 2) with people who can only play together like 2-3 hours in a day, just destroys my ability to write or feel confident creating anything.

I actually do think it's the time limit that makes it very hard. Not like I ever want to run more than 5 hours in a day normally (usually around 4-6 if I can) but having 2 hours is just... bad. No matter how good a writer I may be otherwise, the feeling that I've got to perform well in a short time actually makes me take *longer* because my mind gets too hindered by anxiety to think straight.

The thing that forum RP liberates me from is the expectation of being waited on. :/ Without the crushing anxiety that builds in me, I can actually feel *competent*. And that's something I so rarely feel that I really want to cultivate more of that in my life, rather than things that make me feel stressed out, burnt out, worthless and sad.

Most of my old RP friends don't really seem to get why forum RP appeals to me, or want to play it with me. So the longer time passes, the more I feel like I'm just drifting apart from people. I'm just not into it any more like I used to. People think forum gaming is slow, but it's never boring for me because I make a new character like... every week, and/or post for 6+ different characters every day. I love it. I feel like I can enjoy writing and creating again.

I think that's probably what makes it fun for me and not for others -- I feel such an intense joy out of creating characters and challenging myself by taking on varied roles. It's why I love making NPCs, it's why I can stomach having 700+ Sims in my Sims 2 neighborhood, it's why when I play a MUD or MMO I'm more likely to make a bunch of characters and never advance far with any of them, rather than sticking to a single one. I love making characters and I love bringing them alive. Doing that is almost... like, the closest I can ever get to socializing, I guess. Putting on all these different faces, it makes up for the fact I'm a shut-in and I have few if any real friends.

I know that eventually things have to change. But my life is at such a standstill now, and there's still so many delays right now, that I am just losing my belief there will ever be progress or change. All I have are the little worlds I hide inside -- trying to forget about the stress and frustration I feel, living through my characters because, unlike me, they're free of anxiety.

Another thing I should mention is that I'm starting to get very disillusioned playing DR again. I had fun with the Order of the White Rose for months, but that fun is just dying down... and I'm sad, because I know this will eventually mean another departure, another separation. But I'm just not in the mood to try and help the reputation, much less the unity of the Order and its members any more. I don't hate anyone in the Order, I don't feel I've been wronged, I have no huge dramatastic reason for losing interest.

It's just hard to care when no one else really cares. Why can't we actually try to be more careful about what we say, what conflicts we involve ourselves in, what people we associate with -- so everyone can see, for once, that we aren't just messing around? Why can't they actually give enough of a darn to check the forums or announcements on their own without me or someone else poking and prodding them to pay attention? Why can't people take the time to sit together and understand each other? Just a few days ago, I tried to organize a very small Order meeting hoping to somehow address these concerns of mine, and it just ended in abrupt failure. I don't even think the people I invited to the meaning (sans Jon) really understand just how much that *crushed* me. We four were supposed to be a close knit group, but that closeness is all but gone now. Or maybe it never really existed.

I need less things in my life that make me feel like a failure, or associated with failure. That's pretty much all I'm saying. I just don't need this stuff in my life -- and particularly in the things I do in my free time, to relax.

And that's why I (very sadly) have to think of closing the door on Emberdays. That's why I have to think of cutting down my involvement in the White Rose. As much fun and enjoyment I had with these things, the fun is really starting to die down and become something I do more out of stubbornness, pride or guilt. I do think ED might be salvageable if I turned it into a forum game, but I'm not going to kid myself -- I know that at least half of my Emberdays players just don't really want to bother with forum gaming. They might say they do now, but when the time comes to play they'll likely forget to check the forums anyways.

There's also the big problem of having a forum I could run ED on. It's dependent a lot on whether I can get my dice roller forum integration working, and I'm even having a hard time doing *that*. So... it's looking pretty bleak for Emberdays. :(

As for the White Rose, well... I feel like I've already tried all I could, and poured all the energy I could spare. I can't make people care, I certainly can't make them get along or understand each other, and I can't singlehandedly change the impressions people have and choose to maintain about the Order. I'm tired of feeling like I'm flailing uselessly at a losing battle. I'll hang on out of respect, but I really think my heart's just not in it any more and that may actually hurt the Order more than less, if I dally too long.

Anyway, that was way longer than I expected to write... I wanted to post a bit about Atlantica so I will next post.