Dreams again... and some frustration

This morning, I had another one of those "Jon convinces me it's better we break up" dreams. They always seem scarier in dreams. In RL I've almost hardened myself to the idea... not that it's ever happened again. But I mean, my fears if Jon and I broke up tend to more be about how well I'll be able to take care of myself. Practical fears.

I wonder if that's because I disbelieve he'd really leave me, or because I'm really turning apathetic. Well, maybe apathetic is the wrong word, too. The one time Jon and I broke up was such a traumatic time, it's easier to just block it out.

Same with things like the immigration difficulties. All the delays involved... my passport is supposed "in transit" but still hasn't arrived, my doctor's appointment got pushed back to next week *again*, and so forth. I'm like starting to feel like I'd rather just push going back to college to fall 2009 at this rate, and I really don't want to do that. But I ALSO don't want to be freaking rushed into getting used to getting back into the college routine.

I'm still pissed about it. I mean, if it had just freaking GONE the way I WANTED it to for once, I would have already applied. Jon keeps saying they understand I'm in a hurry, but do they really?!?!? I'm not going to consider it help if they don't give enough time for an agoraphobic, anxiety-prone depressed person to get used to putting her life back together.

Just so freaking tired of the delays. GRRRR. I wanted to ease into things leisurely, not be hurried into it at the last minute.

But see, if I think about it too hard, I just get filled with rage and frustration. Those feelings are ALWAYS THERE, but if I think of them constantly I just go crazy. Like now. I absolutely can't stand how unfair it is that I'm STILL. WAITING. I swear, if my passport and appointment don't come next week, I am going to... I don't know. I have to DO something or the government is going to ruin my life again.

Anyway, like I said... pointless rage. :( I'm cold now, anyway, and needing a happy distraction, so I'm going to go somewhere away from the computer for a bit longer.