Abuse and care; forgetting and forgiving.

There's a serious side to today, also... because I spent a good amount of time this morning writing another letter to my mom.

Well there's a few things involved here...

First of all, I consented to her calling once a month. Just her, though, and only on Wednesday nights. Not sure how that will go yet n.n but I'm more and more starting to think that it is actually detrimental for me to keep hiding from the fact I have parents.

Not necessarily because I want to bring them back into my life. :/ I am definitely not ready to face my father. That is not going to happen for a long, long time if I can help it.

But ...at least with my mom, I feel like there is something that can be done, here. I don't think either of my parents really understand why I felt the need to leave and cut them out of my life. Because they don't really understand, or accept my reasons, they feel sorrow and confusion as to my decision, and worry about me constantly.

So there are two things that must be done...
1) help them, or at least my mom, understand the extent and consequences of the emotional abuse I have suffered.
2) reassure them that I am actually doing fine with my life, that I can be trusted to be a full-functioning adult.

#2 is part of what I want to do with my life *anyway*, and I think doing so will definitely tone down my parents' desire to prod into my life.

Unfortunately, I am not sure how successful I will be with #1. The problem here is that my mom came from a culture where the kind of upbringing that my sis and I experienced is actually *accepted* and *normal*. I'm always constantly bewildered at how my mom can be such a caring, nurturing person, yet be utterly blind to how certain other types of behavior can lead to such long-term emotional harm. It's not even just blindness; she actually thinks it's a sign of care.

She wrote to me, "he cares about you in his odd way". At first I felt anger and even hopelessness reading that. So, he can be forgiven for doing what he wants because he cares? That's it?

But I didn't write an angry reply. I hope it wasn't angry, anyway. I don't actually believe my dad doesn't care about me -- but he doesn't recognize or realize the severe consequences his methods of upbringing and discipline created for me. He doesn't see any need to tone down his temper or come up with more constructive ways to deal with stress. He doesn't even seem willing to accept that I am actually fine living with less money, that if I don't ever get a high paying job I won't be crying or hurting, as long as I have money to live on and some extra now and then for fun stuff.

Yes, my dad does care. I don't disbelieve it. I believe he feels grief at my absence; I even believe he feels some *guilt* now and then. But the intimidation tactics and excessive criticism are not indicative of care, no matter which way I look at it. Nor is refusing to see his anger and stress management issues as problems that hurt not only him, but people around him.

Some people never really reach the point of realizing they have a problem. They may be ill with something, or have deep-seated issues that need to be brought out in the open, but they'll stick with the lies that make their life seem bearable and acceptable to the outside world, because it's easier. Saying "my anger is how I show I care" makes the expression of intense, irrational anger seem somehow "okay". It disregards how much those outbursts -- at me, at my mistakes or 'bad' decisions, at the inconveniences in life that he needed scapegoats for -- dealt crippling blows to my psyche.

My mom also said "I wish I could erase those bad memories you associate with him." I'm sure she meant well by saying that, but I don't want them removed! I don't want to forget that wrong has been done to me! No, what I want is to triumph over it, to live despite it and even because it pushed me to better myself. Forgetting? That just makes the burden of guilt easier for the one that harmed me. It's just an escape from responsibility, and I won't be the one that allows it!

I wonder to myself, though. Would I ever forgive him for what he has done? As much as I get angry and frustrated myself, at the state of my life after having experienced such trauma, I don't hate my dad. I consider his behavior a product of his own upbringing and the times in which he lived. I am honestly sad that he grew up in an environment where authority by force is actually acceptable. Life then just becomes a quest for power -- whether through money, physical prowess, fame or whatever else -- so that power can make you feel protected and validated. There's no soul in that. No love.

But that is not the life I want to lead. I don't want to live in fear, believing the only way to succeed is to be on top of everyone else. I just want to be happy, and proud of myself. I don't need tons of money for that. I just need to believe in and enjoy what I'm doing with my life. I just need my friends and my husband, and the little things that make me smile.

That said... I do not know if there can be forgiveness without admittance. Abuse was done. It's done and past, but it cannot be undone or changed from what it is. The best one can do is never repeat those abusive behaviors in the future, or at the least understand they are harmful and wrong. No one is perfect... that is why there are apologies. That is why one admits one is wrong, and strives to not repeat the same behavior ever after.

But it can't be forgotten. Apologizing once does not erase the event from existence. Building trust between a parent and child after so much has been lost takes a long time, and more patience than I think my dad even has.

Unfortunately for my parents, though, I have no *need* for a reconciliation, or even an acknowledgment from them of the harm done. The former is something completely optional for me, and I'd appreciate the latter, but it's not necessary. I've long ago made peace with the possibility there may never be understanding or acceptance of the reality that I (and my sister) have been abused. I, honestly, just want to be left alone to live my life, pursue therapy and so on.

I'd only give it a chance at all because I've never really given them one yet, not after leaving. And because it might just encourage my mom to stop worrying all obsessively over me. But I'm ready and willing to cut contact off if I find I am even remotely being exposed to further trauma, or drawn back into destructive behaviors. Nor should I have to further tolerate my fears being trivialized because they decide to believe emotional abuse is an "odd sort of care." :/

And I don't think that is unreasonable of me to want. I'm an adult now, and I've a right to survival as much as anyone else in the world.