Abuse, self-help and healing.

I ended up writing a long email to my mom today.

While doing so I was trying to explain why I didn't want contact with my... other parent. While I was writing it, I recounted some of the symptoms I have that are signs of emotional trauma in the past:

- chronic stress pains, trouble sleeping
- nightmares of being intimidated / threatened by him
- fear of loud, sudden noises (similar to PTSD in war veterans, I explained)
- debilitating anxiety when faced with others' expectations, even if imagined
- inappropriate guilt and worthlessness (further exacerbated by my depression)

I thought to myself, writing all this out, "you know what... if I didn't know me and I read that, I'd think the person who wrote it was abused."

Abuse and me

My parents have by now read extensively about depression and appear to be convinced that it is the entirety of my problems. But after some time and a lot of thought I've come to understand that while I am definitely a sufferer of depression, it does NOT exclude the idea that I might have been emotionally abused in my youth. In fact I think that abuse affected the way my depression manifested itself -- whether I was predisposed to have it or not.

There's also the question of my anxiety. Anxiety IS often present when depression is, but I have some very real memories that trigger that anxiety as well. And I can make some very distinct comparisons between certain aspects of my upbringing (high expectations, punishing for mistakes rather than teaching through them, undervaluing honest effort, yelling and other intimidation tactics...) and the irrational fears I now have in life. So I don't think that my depression created my anxiety, but that the combination makes me even less able to build confidence and independence.

I end up with a progression something like this:

unfamiliar situation -> anxiety -> inability to cope -> failure -> self-loathing / hopelessness -> withdrawing from unfamiliar situation

...which ultimately leads me to increasingly avoid situations where I can't feel comfortably certain how to react, what others may think of me, and how the situation will conclude. It's bad enough that the anxiety terrorizes me to the point I can hardly function. But the depression part of the equation makes it worse: the post-anxiety failure becomes fuel for my self-hate, or "proof" that trying new things (even things that might otherwise improve my life or my enjoyment of it) is hopeless.

Understanding abuse

Jon found a site about child abuse today while I was discussing some of these things. It surprised me when reading through the symptoms page that so MANY of them were things I've felt or experienced.

Some parts that stood out for me:

Behavioural -- self-destructive behaviours, cutting, suicidal thoughts or attempts, substance abuse and other addictions, inability to maintain or develop healthy relationships, acting out, running away, fighting and aggression, extreme withdrawal or passivity, chronic forgetfulness, eating disorders, sexual promiscuity, lack of healthy boundaries

(Over half of the above are things I've done or did, cutting being one of the only ones I *didn't* -- particularly because there's no way I could've gotten away with it with a nurse for a mother.)

Emotional -- low self-esteem, fear, anger, depression, dramatic mood swings, recurring nightmares, shame and self blame, emptiness inside, numbness, denial

(I've felt pretty much all of those in relation to treatment I've endured as a child, through adolescence, and on past that as I struggled through college.)

I'm starting to look at some other sites about abuse and its repercussions, as well. It helps to see these perspectives because I lived a long time not associating what I was going through with abuse. After all, it didn't leave bruises, and I wasn't sexually assaulted... that also meant it was a lot easier to hide the behavior, or rationalize the behavior something other than abuse. There was nothing I could do to protect myself, as a result; there was nothing obviously wrong.

Here's another site about emotional abuse in particular. Under "Types of Emotional Abuse - Aggressive" it says:

Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised and "helping." Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, proving, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental "I know best" tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships. This and other types of emotional abuse can lead to what is known as learned helplessness.

"Learned helplessness" is a concept I believe could apply to me. It's basically referring to a person (or animal) who is led to believe by previous experiences that there's nothing she can do to improve her situation. Even if the situation is bad, she will remain passively in it, believing it is out of her control. There may very well be ways she can overcome the situation, but she is so convinced by her helplessness that she never even tries them.

That is the state I lived in at my parents' and when I went to college for the first time. I felt enslaved to a path I saw as necessity. And by no means could I ever argue against the one biggest authority figure in my life. I was (am) so terrified by him that I had to do whatever he said, even if part of me wished I could rebel. I was so terrified by making my own choices because I feared doing it wrong and failing, so I clung to his advice as the only way to live.

There is no way that this taught me how to be confident and responsible for myself. In fact it did quite the opposite, and now I'm needing to teach myself the right way -- many years after I reached adulthood.

Coping with abuse

One important concept related to abuse (both symptoms of and coping with) that I was previously unfamiliar with is that of containment and boundaries. One of the signs/symptoms of abuse I quoted above is the "lack of healthy boundaries". The section I just linked explains further (I corrected the typo):

Having, maintaining and managing boundaries is a normal and often spontaneous human activity that survivors of abuse can have difficulty with. Boundaries are about your relationship with distance, time, space, emotions and thoughts.

Having conscious boundaries is being able to know and decide when, where and with whom you merge. It is also being able to determine and vary the degree of limits you establish. Not being able to stand up for yourself, say no or refuse to give over something you don’t want to, are all boundary issues.

During child abuse boundaries are totally ignored, violated and shattered. To survive abuse you had to dissociate from any sense of boundary. As the deadening response to abuse became habitual you missed out on developing the inner sense of boundaries. You did not pick up the lessons that healthy role models in your world displayed.

Part of the healing and coping process for survivors of abuse is to reconnect with the inner sense of boundary. To learn ways to give yourself boundaries and let others know what your boundaries are is a difficult but vital task.

The site thereafter gives some techniques to help an abuse survivor create and maintain such boundaries. I found a lot of these suggestions both inspired me and opened my eyes to new ways I could cope with the extreme anxiety I feel when I'm going outside, dealing with stress, taking care of even basic responsibilities and so on. Of course, doing that won't necessarily cure the underlying depression I feel, or anxiety from other sources (say, my anxiety about GMing games in real time), but it's a start!

Some examples:

Visualize a barrier around negative emotions.
See a barrier or wall between you and what you want to keep out.
Visualize a protective bubble around you.

I like the idea of actually envisioning an invisible but palpable force around me that makes me feel secure inside. Kind of like I'm taking the bubble I create for myself when I'm hiding in my room, and making it portable in a way. It could possibly be even more effective if combined with some sort of symbolic focus (see accessories, below).

Visualize yourself as strong and empowered.

Interestingly enough, this is one that I already talked to Jon about *before* reading the site I've been linking. That is, I was considering the idea of trying to assume the mindset of one of my more dominant characters when I'm about to do something scary or pressuring. I wouldn't actually LARP as them or anything, but I might approach an otherwise anxiety-causing situation with a "What would Archana do?" attitude. Or I could exchange Archana for Atmadja, if I'm walking around outside and feeling self-conscious about my appearance ('cause Atma's attitude is that she just doesn't GIVE a crap what people think of her!)

It'd definitely take some practice, though. But I figure that if I can create and play strong-willed characters like Archa, or carefree characters like Atma, then those aspects are a part of me, too. They may be long-buried, or stifled by all the anxiety and self-loathing piled over them, but my consciousness and my emotions are still the origin of their existence. So if I could find some way of embodying them when I'm fearful, maybe it could help me overcome the fear... or at least get through it with enough sanity to get things done.

Wear clothes or accessories that make you feel better, more protected or stronger.

I'm actually very interested in the idea of buying or making some sort of charm that I could wear with me when I go outside. A sort of amulet of protection or lucky charm -- something unobtrusive but meaningful to me that I could touch or look at to help renew a feeling of strength and reassurance.

I told Jon the idea, and he wants to help me shop for one on the weekend. The fact my husband will choose it with me may lend it a certain 'power' (not literally, but through the memory I'll have of us choosing the symbolism together, imbuing it with personal meaning.) It may take longer than one attempt for me to find a necklace or charm that symbolizes something appropriate for me, though. I'm actually considering finding a raven fetish charm or something of the sort, because... well, the symbolism of the raven totem is very fitting, besides the association with my husband (who considers them a personal symbol).

Imagine a safe person or an imaginary protector who takes care of you.

I was very surprised to see this listed as a coping mechanism on an abuse survivor site, because it's something I've done for myself since a young age. When I was a kid and I was scared of my punishing parent, I used to hug my pillow and imagine one of my favorite characters was protecting me. Later on, I met Jon, and he and his characters serve that role. The private RP we do with Alexsei and Ryshassa is very much in line with this, but takes it a step further: Alexsei not only protects Ryshy, but also attempts to empower her, by training her to recognize and combat harm done to her.

Ryshassa is more or less the persona that became my "abused soul". I often imagine her in her younger years, though in various games and plots Ryshy has already married, and even has children. It's in the first years of Ryshy's adolescence that the whole sexual abuse/enslavement happened to her, so those harsh memories are what Alexsei often faces when guiding or comforting her. Even before that, in her early childhood, she was already heaped with expectations and demeaned / punished for not following them (or, gods forbid, wanting something else).

Through her I've both experienced flashbacks of and struggled to cope with *real* abusive behavior done towards me. While none of my experience was actually sexual in RL, it was still traumatizing enough for me to associate the resulting feelings of shame and self-loathing with being a (fantasy) rape victim. What remains to be done, as I'm sure I've mentioned in previous posts, is bring Ryshy to the point she can fend for herself on a regular basis -- with or without Alexsei there to protect her.

Conclusion

I've been rambling quite a while by now about the topic of abuse and recovering from it. I guess my concluding point is that I believe that it'd help me to consider my healing process not only as a depressed or anxious person, but also as an abuse survivor. Despite repeated entries I've written about the revelation of my emotional abuse, I've only now thought of using techniques that help the formerly abused cope with the aftermath.

While I wait for the chance to be examined by a doctor, some of the above techniques may actually help make my life a little more bearable. I can't be sure what will help and what won't, but I don't think trying will hurt me!