Contemplating the difficult path [long post]

My headache's been coming back lately. It's not just any old headache. It feels like the left half of my face is just wearing out. Kind of like the pains I used to have in my chest but now they're just on my face. It hurts enough that it's hard to keep my eyes open sometimes. And now and then it still twinges with stabbing pains.

I think that it's stress related, because the symptoms get worse when I'm stressed. I'm not sure, though... it could also be that whatever I have gets exacerbated by stress. :/ The bank stuff earlier did NOT help my state at all and so I've been practically useless and invisible to everyone. I'm really sorry. :(

But I haven't been able to go to a doctor yet. I have an appointment for next Wednesday, though. It's not specifically related to my headaches -- it's actually my physical for my health card. I could mention the headaches and other problems though. I intend to be frank about my depression and anxiety, as well my history with myasthenia gravis (which may be related to the muscle weaknesses... I want to be sure.)

'Other problems' also include my period being delayed at least two weeks. No, I'm sure I'm not pregnant. Actually, my libido has been affected by my mood lately too. I actually suspect that this is just my body crashing after the whole move and struggle to get accustomed to living in a new place. As much as I despise it at times, I have to accept that I'm not like normal people, and I can't progress as quickly as others do. I know I wrote about this before -- trying NOT to judge myself by others' standards -- but it feels relevant again to say.

I had a talk a few days ago with Kalli that somewhat disturbed me. It's been on my mind a while, too, beyond the stress of trying to 'be normal' which I think is just... harming more than helping me. Anyway, because it's also contributed to me being mostly incommunicado for days, I thought I would mention it.

At one point I was talking about how difficult it is for me to be motivated to do much with my life, how frustrating it is to feel so useless and helpless to my malaise, etc. Actually, she and I talk about that often, since she moved to try to make a better life for herself too. Since then she's gotten work and she's doing decently for herself from all I've heard. And that's good.

But at one point I got the thought in my head that maybe because my husband isn't pushing me to do things for myself, and letting me be lulled into the idea it's okay to rest, I'll never get better. I'll just be constantly reassured that it's okay for me to do nothing and feel no motivation to do more. Now, this was just an idea... I wasn't certain about it at the time. But I think Kalli really believes it's possible, even more than I do, that my husband is actually (unknowingly) hindering my ability to improve the quality of my life.

Okay, this may take a little more complex explaining.

Ultimately, I think that decisions can be divided into two basic reasons: "because I want to" and "because I have to". There can, of course, be overlap. There can be "I have to, to get what I want."

At this point, if I am left to my own devices, "what I want" would be to be left alone to play video games and watch anime. More generally, I want to be able to concentrate on myself and my needs, and not have to think about myself in terms of what others want or expect of me. It's hard to see it, but most of my life I spend caring about what others think more than what I think. Everything I do in these moments, everything I apply myself to, is to feel like I'm important to others, to feel useful and productive, to feel worth spending time with. I realize that not everyone actually expects me to make such efforts, but I am so insecure in my own worth that I feel the need to overcompensate.

But in time, I eventually overextend my endurance -- I can't neglect my own needs any longer. It's that point when my body and my emotional state retaliate. That's when the aches and pains start, the extended leaves of absence, even the abusive fantasies (I am proud to say that I've not had them for weeks, though I came close yesterday. *sigh*) It's the same thing, I suspect, that eventually made me fuck up in college: I'd lose my impetus a few weeks into the semester, and can't apply myself to my work or even motivate myself to go to class. It's the same feeling that makes me want to withdraw now.

But the basic problem is that I have a hard time motivating myself except by what I feel needs to be done. There are some things I do purely for myself, but I always tend to think of things I do for my personal enjoyment as "selfish" or "useless" things. For me to do things that are necessary but unpleasant (and unpleasant, right now, includes pretty much anything I could be doing that'd make me go outside the apartment), I feel no impetus unless I have no choice otherwise.

For most people, doing errands, or chores, or going to work or school, are things they don't necessarily want to be doing, but have a purpose they believe worth working towards. For example, cleaning up: people who do it regularly do it because clutter is uncomfortable to live in and makes them feel depressed or unproductive. Or exercise: it's tiring and repetitive, but it keeps them healthy and helps them lose weight, improving their self image. Or getting a job: sure they'd rather be goofing off, but someone needs to pay the bills, and money also buys entertainment.

I'm not like normal people, though. It's difficult for me to focus on the end goal, much less believe in it, because of how comparably difficult it is for me to even start doing these things. I'm stuck unable to begin, so the end result then becomes so far off as to be irrelevant.

Here is where the problem lies. How am I to be healed of this lack of motivation -- a classic sign of clinical depression, in fact? If I'm to go by Kalli's example, I should be putting myself into a position where the choice is taken from me. Basically, by moving out of where she lived, she was pushed into action. She could no longer sit around and spend time online, because people would no longer be providing her with money for her basic needs. She has to earn it herself now, and no one can protect her from that. So she does, partially because not doing so means she'll die, and partially because she wants to save her dignity and actually prove (to herself as well as to others) that she can do it.

Right now, I live with my husband. He takes care of most responsibilities for me. He doesn't even force me to do chores. I could, if I wanted, just continue to rest until necessity hits me: the doctor's appointment, the second attempt at getting my bank account (which will be in a couple weeks), the setting up my loan once account is gotten, and applying for college. I don't have to do anything else and so I don't.

On one hand, one could consider this attitude unhealthy. My husband is allowing me the option to languish, so he's not helping me at all. If I leave him, then maybe I'd be motivated to take care of myself, chores, etc. because now I "have" to.

On the other hand, my husband does not believe in *forcing* me to do anything. He believes that pushing me so that I have no choice only covers up the real problem: that I don't have any ounce of self-motivation. I'm just reacting to what other people want of me, and that's just living for others, rather than myself.

It's not like I've never had this argument with him before. It's not Kalli's fault for mentioning it -- actually, I mentioned it first. I'll give another example. I've been having difficulty losing weight pretty much since my husband first met me. Back then, I was 160 pounds. At my worst, I ballooned to 220, and now I'm down to 185 (ish, maybe less. Far from my ideal weight but at least it's not going *up* any more.) Anyway, whenever I failed to lose weight in a week, there were times I'd turn to my husband and get angry at him. I'd tell him, "You know I have trouble disciplining myself. Why don't you push me to exercise or eat better? Why aren't you helping me?!" and so on. I'd tell him to point out that I look fat, because it'd motivate me to get thinner if the man I love thought it was ugly.

But every time, Jon would refuse. He never wanted to guilt me or shame me into losing weight. It goes against his very beliefs to do something like that to me. Now, that doesn't mean he's NEVER helped me lose weight -- he's done plenty of constructive things. Every time we get groceries, or he cooks a meal, he's always reading the labels, going with me to get healthy, fresh ingredients. When I exercise, he accompanies me, reminds me if he can't actually do it with me. I've been able to *keep* nearly 40 pounds off from my highest peak weight because of that.

He never did a single bit of that by force. The most he'd do is tell me I might feel bad about it if I don't exercise. He doesn't say to do it because he thinks I'm unattractive, or because I'm lazy. In fact he thinks I'm very attractive -- despite the fact that, at times, I've actually gotten *angry* at him for thinking I'm not ugly, claiming that it "lulls me into a sense of security" about my weight.

But is that true? Is it his fault because he won't try and take away my choice in the matter, won't make me feel like it's absolutely required to do x or y? Because he won't pressure me to exercise, won't pressure me to spend more time outside, or do more cleaning, or do all the phone calls about my immigration, and so on? By protecting me from being pushed into things by necessity, by waiting until I find the motivation and the reason in myself to accomplish something, is he actually keeping me from becoming a normal adult??

The answer I've come up with, after a long time of pondering and consideration, is NO.

My husband, he does something for me that is indescribably, irreplacably valuable. He has given me the chance that so few people with my illness have: the time and space to decide for myself the conditions and parameters by which I will improve the quality of my life. And in doing so he has both argued with me numerous times, shaking me from my impulses of guilt and self-loathing, insisting that I am mistaken for putting the blame for my inactivity on myself. We have had some very DIFFICULT arguments because of this. Yet despite all of my resistance, he's never once faltered in his goal. He wants me to get better, and he wants me to do it myself, when I want to, and how I want to. All he is trying to do, by allowing me these choices, is putting the weapons into my own hands with which I can combat my true enemy: depression.

So that's why I have to refuse Kalli's suggestion (and I realize it was by no means something she thought I HAD to do) that I should leave my husband in order to improve my own life. Having analyzed the entirety of my situation, I believe doing so would actually be setting me back from all the realizations I've had since leaving home. Yeah, maybe I'm still not autonomous after four years, but (as Jon often tries and fails to remind me, due to my stubbornness) I have actually progressed a great deal as a person since I moved. I've made some very difficult realizations about myself and the life I used to live and how the patterns I was stuck in were -- and still are -- eating at me inside. What kind of life is it to live purely out of fear of punishment, or guilt and shame from not performing well?

I won't go back to it, no matter what people may think of me for it. I won't throw away all these years of healing to push myself back into "I'll do it because I have to." I KNOW I'm not a lazy person. When I'm not bogged down by stress pains, by anxiety, by fatigue, I can accomplish many great things. But the time in which I can live free from pain and weariness are limited. As long as I can't balance paying attention to my own needs vs. my various responsibilities and obligations, I'll just keep periodically shutting down the way I do now. And THAT is what needs to stop.