Weird moods

I'm feeling this strange mix of elation and self-disgust right now. It's probably because I'm 1) totally sleep deprived (let's see, I slept from 7-10 am), 2) had some ice tea and a few fig newtons so I'm all sugar high, 3) on sinus medicine (though that kind of faded, I think it's wearing off)

I really want to hide away, lately... I just feel sad that I spent an entire day doing nothing of note except write a freaking character profile. I'm not much in the mood to deal with people, even online. I even feel dumb cause I mailed Eni's mom back to give some message to Eni and realized "wtf I'm repetitive, she must think it's annoying" :P though I did hear the surgery went well I'm happy about that at least!

and again I have to consider Emberdays... but I just feel this lack of belief in it :/ it's really just slipping away from me... oh but on the positive side, and this is totally dorky and NOT at all to do with RL either (cut for spoilers if you care about Gundam SEED)

I had a brief exhilarating WHEEE moment 'cause my favorite Gundam SEED character survives to be in the second series, SEED Destiny. I am so very happy about that, even if it IS just a character and something that will only bring a fleeting smile between my anxiety and lack of motivation and resulting frustration/self-hate.

But I mean... it's Mu La Flaga. He's totally my crush. ^^ He totally gets the 'mask' treatment (ala Char, Zechs, etc.) in SEED Destiny, too, which is going to be awesome to see (also drooool long-haired Mu). And I'm looking forward to him reuniting with Murrue, 'cause they're my favorite couple. I like Cagalli too but charas like she and Athrun and Kira are just too young for me.

Quite honestly though, I think all my crushes boil down to similar types of people, and they all end up resembling in some way the aspects that attracted me to my husband. While a great deal of things in my life have gone wrong, and I won't say Jon and I never have things to disagree about, I am still fortunate to have met someone that embodies so much I'm attracted to in a man. It's the one thing I'm certain about, that I'm not going to love anyone else like I love him. Even if we weren't in a relationship, he still manages to just... come up with character concepts that resonate so deeply to me, that fit so well with my tastes. I mean how often does that happen, that you meet someone you can trust knows exactly what you want, and won't take advantage of you for it?

He may deny all this, because he thinks I dislike the way he deals with stress (he's much more levelheaded than me, and at times I misunderstand it for a lack of concern for my worries), and sometimes he says things that just trigger my anger or anxiety. But I know how I feel when my mind is clear and no matter what I say when I'm stressed or upset, I can never believe I truly hate him. It's my irrational side, my illness that's talking in those moments, and quite honestly my depression hates everything of value to me.

...hrm I didn't mean this post to turn introspective, and I'm totally sleep-deprived and ready to collapse. So I'm going to bed and I'm gonna try to think fangirl-y thoughts about those Gundam SEED Destiny episodes that Jon's downloading cause he knows it makes me happy. ^^;

(Yaaay Mu~!)