I was tired writing this, hope it's coherent. =_=

This was yet another uneventful day (in terms of getting offline / non-computer related things done) and so I feel pretty bad about that. I did start my tag rearranging but got stuck again with the usual issues -- usually it's something about how to differentiate characters I make vs. character obsessions, and where to put 'Artwork' or perhaps 'Pictures', since the Creativity category is supposed to be for things I create, and I'm no visual artist.

Yeah, dumb nitpicky things, but they're important to me. :/

I've been feeling badly lately, too, because Kalli has been telling me all about her progress going outside more often, getting a job and such, and I've been doing so very little.

For one, I don't have much motivation to care about going outside -- most of what I like doing is inside, including my exercise, and the rest I still have to wait for things to be done like the mailbox, phone line, bank, etc. I don't have my loan yet either (and looks like I won't even get my bank account till Tuesday, screw Labor Day, argh!) so I don't really have money to spend out there.

I don't really care much about socializing out there either. People bore me, and I hate when outside time takes up time I could be using for creative pursuits. I guess I just like my video games and fictional worlds too much, huh. I always fear that if I get RL friends I'll just end up burning out on spending time with them because they won't understand I need my online time, or quiet time in general.

Part of me wonders if all I'm saying is just this big excuse, and my lack of motivation to spend much time outside (beyond necessary errands of course) is a problem that needs to be fixed. But I also kind of feel that if I push myself too much to just cut off the things I enjoy, I won't really be *me* any more. And I don't want that either... I don't want to become something else because I feel obligated to conform (like it's "necessary" to do so).

Isn't the point of all I'm doing to figure out a balance between responsibilities and enjoyment? So far I've been shirking on responsibilities, due to my anxiety and lack of drive, but I don't think it'd be right for me to suddenly give up on my favorite activities, including the fact I actually LIKE spending a good amount of time online a day. There ARE some changes I've made -- for example I get a lot more sun nowadays, we keep the windows open and wake up normal hours, I get exercise regularly and eat more healthily. But do I also have to push myself to go outside even when there's nothing pressing to do, for example? Maybe I just don't feel like going... does THAT mean I'm living unhealthily?

I do intend, next week, to start filling out my college application and sending for transcripts. But I've been feeling badly because I've taken so long to work myself up to even THINKING of doing it, while Kalli has gone out almost every day, researching, studying, making lists, job searches and so on. I have to say it makes me feel like a real big failure because I'm just not adapting that quickly. I'm STILL having stress headaches and I'm so bewildered once I step outside I have a hard time remembering directions.

Anyway all this to say, I wonder if Kalli and I will drift apart again. I kinda just think she'll get engrossed in her newfound impetus to go outside and take care of responsibilities. I'm having a much, much harder time getting to the point that she's at, and it makes me feel like a failure in comparison. That's not something I'm comfortable with being exposed with, especially when I have to keep explaining that it really isn't as easy for me as just "get a map / make a list / look things up and do it!" It just isn't, it never was. I'm facing more than just my lack of confidence, I'm facing the pure apathy of caring about my existence at all.

Quite simply... I'm mentally ill. Major depression is an illness. I'm prepared to accept that fact. I need help to get better beyond what I can do for myself, so the usual rules just don't WORK with me. If they did, then I'd already have accomplished everything I wanted to, because I've never not had goals in life. I've just had a very, very hard time making myself start.

The question in my mind is always... "why?" I'm filled with a hopelessness so profound most of the time, I can't see far enough into the future to know that the little steps I take will lead somewhere. It's been hard enough to just restart my diet / exercise regimen -- now I'm losing a couple pounds a week, though, and it feels like it's getting somewhere, but when I started I was just so blasé: where's the results and why am I still waiting for them? It's just like me going out and learning my way around Montreal... my brain goes "what for?" Why would I put myself into a situation that brings me great anxiety and discomfort when I don't have money to spend, or any specific errand to do?

My god, I get lost just trying to get to the nearby mall. It's like my brain is just making me stupid with directions on purpose. Yeah, a part of me thinks "c'mon, you gotta learn this!" but right now it's not pressing, so again... "why?" Sometimes I have to even ask myself why I exist in reality at all. After all, my characters enjoy life and achieve their goals a lot more than I do!

But my hopelessness is not complete, believe it or not. I do have an idea of what I want to do. I'm just... wanting to do it in a specific order. That comforts me, feeling it's done "right". I also think that going back to therapy will help, even getting medication (yes, anti-depressants or possibly anti-anxiety or some combo). Not because I think the meds will "cure" me, but because it may very well boost me past the apathetic level to a point I can at least basically function, and thus have my confidence bolstered in getting things done.

Once I start, and there's some momentum going in my life, things are always easier. But getting there can be next to impossible beforehand. That's the problem with being me, I guess. :/