Moving time (soon)

Technically we're moving on August 2nd now, 'cause the landlady said she has emergency things on Friday to deal with. But we really have to stop being lazy and push to do the rest of the packing on the 1st... so I don't plan to be online much if at all.

That said, the past couple days have not been all that great...

At one point I slipped back into my demeaning fantasies / seeking imagery of such. I find I am more susceptible to it when I am highly stressed or upset. This time it was because my mom said she was going to call tonight (well, 11-12 pm yesterday) and I was afraid it would mean I'd have to talk to her and especially my dad. I thought there was actually something wrong, like they disapproved of my decisions in life, and were going to call to tell me it's a bad decision, to just go back home and accept defeat.

I have this intense fear that I'll be confronted about not finishing college, wasting money and generally being a failure all my life. I mean, what can I say if they tell me that? I'm just going to agree, because that's exactly what I think about myself.

I still feel, to this day, that I owe them for giving birth to me and paying for my existence, and that I am incapable of paying back that debt. I couldn't possibly earn or achieve enough to pay that. The only way I feel I can pay it properly is if I die, because at the very least they won't have to waste their retirement worrying about how inept I am with money and responsibility. I'm pretty sure my dad thinks I'm a total idiot with finances and job searching, and resents me for keeping the silence between us for so long.

Honestly... I kind of wish I never had to confront my parents again. I know how sad that sounds, because they're family and they gave me life. I know. But first of all, I never asked to live. More than half of the time, I abhor my existence. And they could simply have stopped supporting me at 18 if they wanted.

Second, I don't want to end up feeling constantly guilty at how slow I'm progressing at life, and rush to reach a goal they will find respectable and praiseworthy. It's not that I want or need their praise, it's that I want to be left alone, free of judgment. By far the best way to achieve that is to be successful in a way that they will think me capable of taking care of myself. And believe me, what my dad considers successful is much different than what I do.

I'm also afraid he'll make a huge deal about me not talking to him. I've heard he's insinuated before that I don't appreciate what he gives me, I'm running away from him, etc. I wonder if he'll blow up at me as soon as he sees me again and something even remotely triggers him. Maybe my fear of him will trigger him, because I know for certain he does not understand how I could possibly be so afraid of him. I mean, he just thinks he's enunciating his words, not yelling.

That must be it, right? It's all just a big misunderstanding and we're a happy loving family.

*shrugs* I wanted to write more but I'm nodding off here, exhausted and aching after a long day and my period starting yesterday. (It was late, so on one hand I'm like "finally!" and on the other hand I'm irate at having it.) Might get a post or two in before we leave on the 2nd. x.x