Twilight Ball + post-Kalli catharsis

The Twilight Ball in DR was (amazingly) pretty fun. Ryshy and Alexsei were there all the way until people were booted out of the Keep 'cause the event was over.

Mostly Alexsei was introducing her to tons and tons of people and she was being all sociable and happy for once. Heh, who knew it. Maybe it was all the wine she drank and cake she ate. She and Alexsei had a couple dances on the floor too, though once he started dancing with others Ryshy was pretty much nonexistant to everyone else -_^

Only two people actually noticed the gown, too. Two, maybe three, I dunno. It's an original, but well, Ryshy is kind of not-noticeable I guess. Alexsei's outfit was pretty hawt though, and the cane got him a lot of attention.

Ugh, but now I have to be in the mood for Order meeting tomorrow. I'm not feeling good at all, I don't feel like I can trust my friends, and quite honestly I just feel like disappearing from the world. x.x

(some time passed)

Feel a bit better now... I think.

I was talking to Kalli for the last time before her move. For a while I was just letting out this last huge burst of cathartic frustration to her. But that was before I got some food (after 12 hours not eating, go figure, me) and that definitely helped me think a little more clearly.

And Selina chatted with me too, was nice and fun. We were talking about things like... how I feel about running Emberdays (and encouraging me it'll get better), Breath of Fire losing steam after Dragon Quarter, and gaming in the 80's and 90's. I went on a tangent about Wing Commander, 'cause it was one of the game series I was totally obsessed with in the early 90's.

I'm not exactly sure how to describe how I feel now. I'm trying not to think of Kalli leaving as a loss, because it really isn't. We went through longer periods apart. I know we'll get through this one.

I'm not totally sure what it is that's exacerbated my paranoia towards everyone lately. I keep feeling like people are excluding me, or assuming they won't want to talk to me, or that they'll think the worst of me. Every recent time I've tried to meet new people, I start getting mistrusting and jittery and just... unable to deal, to this point where I want to just shut down.

Like I completely cut off those people that were going to play Soul Collectors v1.0. I mean. Sure, I probably didn't get on well with their play style, but I REALLY could have handled that better. I just plain cut and ran with them, and it was a cowardly act, because I feared worse how they would react if I openly said why I couldn't keep the game going (extreme anxiety, more or less).

With the Order people I keep getting worried I'm not doing enough or involving myself enough. Like, I don't want to end up on the sidelines because I'm away too often. And I keep wondering if people are even comfortable talking to or confiding things in me. Or if they misunderstand my intelligence because I play a character who doesn't speak with perfect grammar.

And then with Emberdays... I'm kind of caught in this vicious cycle, like I explained to Selina. Well, I'm an anxious person to begin with and I'm very hard on myself. So when I fail, I get more anxious that I'll fail the next time, too. And if I get bad enough, that becomes a self-fulfilling process, and it goes on and on. Eventually I get to the point I am now, where I assume people will just think I'm bad at it to start with, and just plain skip dealing with my shitty unreliable STing to do other things.

Honestly, I don't know how much of what I'm feeling is my depression, and how much is really true. Jon thinks that it's the former, that my disorder is making me THINK that everyone's rejecting me, neglecting/ignoring my feelings, or thinking bad things about me behind my back. I do think depression tends to turn suspicions into extremes, for me. But I still don't want depression to be the excuse for EVERYTHING that upsets me. I think that, sometimes, people's behaviors ARE questionable -- even if they don't mean or realize it -- and it shouldn't be left up to depression to conveniently explain the misunderstanding.

I have a problem, though, with asking people "is there some reason why you don't want to talk to / confide in / spend time with / listen to my troubles?" To me, those sorts of sentiments ought to come naturally. They either happen or they don't. It's like telling someone to love you because you want them to. The more you force it or put pressure on, the LESS likely it will happen.

And so my ultimate conclusion will be that people don't want to do those things with me, if I have to be the one to nudge them into trying. Am I wrong? Maybe. But how will I know for sure? I'm more likely to err on the "safe" side of thinking I'm insignificant (heh, I know, it's not really "safe" but it's the "safe because I can't be disappointed if I believe this" kind).

Then my desire to disappear sets in. My mind tries to convince itself "I don't care if... x" where x is something unpleasant (I don't care if they don't like me, think me unworthy of confiding in, ignore that I'm upset). Thing is, the best way to continue this charade is to simply not be THERE. No reminders, no bitterness, no wishful thinking. I guess it's like severing a limb to cut away the disease.

I feel like that lately, with almost everyone. Kalli is one of those rare exceptions, so I was mortified at the idea of her being gone for a few months. I still kinda am. I can talk to others to a certain extent (and I have tried!) but then I get to a point where I just feel it's too much to say, might make them uncomfortable, offended, overwhelmed, whatever, and I just shut up.

It's so, so rare to know anyone you can just be completely open with. It's a treasure I've enjoyed so rarely, and coupled with my recent increased paranoia, it's made me feel very, very alone.

I'm hoping it's just a phase, and maybe it is. :/ but for now I will sleep it off. In a few hours, I will wake, and I'll have to try to find ways to cope... healthy ways, if I can. Maybe try to improve something in my life for once. Start on one of my many projects. Write. Play. Talk to people I've neglected to talk to for a while.

Anything to keep surviving... so I can feel better, live better. Because if I were ready to die now, I would have done it already.