A little better. Also, project idea. :O

Well, I'm a bit better today. Probably going to be pretty distracted today though... I threw off my sleeping pattern when I had to lie down. I was so sick with stress I was too weak to get up for several hours.

I did rest though, and I talked a lot to Jon and spent time with him. I always worry about the repercussions when my frustration gets the better of me, or my paranoia, my trust and control issues, my anxiety or so on. He is so often my target, because 1) he lives with me, and 2) he is probably the only person I'd hope would still talk to me after I show him my cruelest and most selfish side.

I'm the type of person to expect people to hate, abandon, or discredit me. As friendly and accepting as I can be, I'm very hard to get close to. I'll purposefully withdraw from people when I feel too asocial or anxious. It's easy for me to just disappear, when I don't expect anyone to miss me.

But people still do (much as I am insignificant in their lives, at times). Somehow, I've been fortunate enough to have a positive effect on some very wonderful people. It's uplifting to know I can give people hope, or inspire them to create... or even improve their lives.

So, I come to my project idea, which I'm not sure has a name yet. I've been thinking lately of the few people who've commented or emailed to me concerning my rape fantasy posts, and have pondered creating a site to accept submissions (anonymously, if people choose) by people who believe such fantasies to be a negative and harmful thing in their lives.

I'm mostly arguing semantics with myself right now, because there's many ways to trip up. The term "rape fantasy" is a confusing one since it can also attract people who actually want to fantasize, roleplay, etc. about rape, which is exactly what I want to avoid. (Also a reason I've refrained from making it a tag up till now, though I'm still waffling about creating one anyway.) "Sexual masochism" -- though a DSM-IV designation -- is still perhaps too broad, because I don't want to insinuate there can't be people who indulge in masochistic acts or fantasies without emotional distress.

Then I have to consider that I tend to differentiate between fantasizing and actually acting on the fantasies. So I guess I also have to consider how broad or narrow I want to go.

Anyway, all that said, I guess I just wanted to offer a place for people to write about how fantasies can actually be used as tools of self-harm, and what they might do to cope with or alleviate the urge. I suppose it's just part of my desire to express to the world that one's thoughts can be just as damaging as real, physical pain, that they can be emotionally debilitating and even impact how much you enjoy or how well you function in real life. Emotional self-injury is really just a non-physical version of cutting, and even more worrying when the process becomes physically pleasing.

I don't know yet if I'll actually follow through on my idea, though. It's a sensitive topic and I'm not even sure how common my problem is... but the fact that I've actually heard from others who thanked me for writing about it makes me wonder if others might want a safe place to do the same.