Messing up is something I do so often.

Trying to run Emberdays yesterday sucked, again. I wish I would actually succeed more than I fail, but that doesn't seem to be the case. It seems ED is cursed with me being in my worst moods whenever I try to run it, lately. But then again, it could also just be because I suck.

I don't really believe people would want to continue playing if I'm canceling or delaying or cutting sessions short all the time. Even though they might say they do, the idea of that just boggles my mind. No, my players are supposed to be saying my depression / anxiety makes things unfun, and that being flaky with sessions is inconsiderate because they have to take time out of their day to BE there.

I'm at a point where if people claim not to think that (or something similarly disapproving of me), I just think to myself "they must just be saying that to be nice".

Which I suppose is a little unfair of me, I mean... not believing my friends at face value? But it's not meant to be disrespectful. I just have a much, much harder time believing in anything good about myself versus something bad and terrible.

So I'm not even sure when/if I will run ED again. I need more encouragement and understanding than I'd ever ask for, considering how *horribly bad* my record for getting through an entire session has been lately. I may just sit on it for another week, I don't know. (Assuming my entire player group still WANTS to play.)

I do have to start concentrating on the cleaning and packing, anyway. Not much progress done with that yet. Sigh, I'm just being so slow with that. :P Kind of apathetic about everything right now.

Though I guess I feel a little bit better after being all candid about my emotional state on #tower though. It had a bit of a cathartic effect, though I admit I was originally doing it out of some desire to shame myself. I don't usually like to share anything about my emotions when I'm feeling depressed and self-loathing (except on this journal, since for me it's just anonymous enough not to count.) Though there are a few friends I would trust talking about it to, and even fewer I'd expect to respond.

I have some other serious things to write about, maybe, but I'll save it for later.