Dragonrealms training... father thoughts...

Mostly I was playing DR yesterday (and this early morning). Oh, and I did play a bit of Rosalia with Nekira, too. There was a week timeskip so now she's noticing her servants getting ominously ill... dun dun dun!

At one point in the afternoon I came on to reboot and totally forgot to actually do the reboot. *boggle* Ah well. Also meant I wasn't on anything but AIM all day.

I think I'm suffering some pretty severe stress symptoms right now. Like... my chest feels like there's pressure sitting on it. My shoulders are strained and sometimes I can't feel my extremities on my left side. I went out to take a walk earlier in the day and the combination of stress and heat made me so lightheaded I had to turn back.

So I guess I really just need to rest and have some time to myself, again. I may even see a doctor if this continues beyond the next couple days, despite the fact I don't even have my health insurance set up yet. Just feeling really bad right now.

It doesn't help that I keep being reminded (through certain conversations) about my father, too. Yeah... I've been afraid to actually explicitly say I mean him. I'm afraid of it being seen as slander, even though I've tried to remove all reference to my real name in relation to this site. I know some people can be very very sensitive about what is written about them. I try so hard to try and protect identities.

On the other hand, sometimes I think there are things that people ought not to hide. Things that ought to be admitted to or at least acknowledged, because otherwise people will be content to act as if they never happened.

I have a letter to write concerning him, which I may or may not have mentioned. (I probably did.) I am not looking forward to it. I was thinking, just now, after a friend of mine told me about his father going to the hospital, that I've never really known what it's like to have a father I truly love. I associate mine with fear and the shame I feel for my own personal failures. The most intense feeling I ever had concerning him was wishing he could kill me so I don't have to anger or disappoint him any more.

And it's not like I never tried to feel love, because that's what kids are supposed to feel for their parents. The best I could muster was family obligation because my parents are the ones who birthed me, raised me, provided for me, gave me money to live and spend. I'm SUPPOSED to give them respect. I'm SUPPOSED to do as they say, and they're the ones who should judge what is best for me.

Now, I DO appreciate that I have been financially supported all this time -- I appreciate it so much I feel intensely guilty about it every waking moment. But one thing I have come to believe is that respect should not be assumed, it should be earned. Even when it is between parent and child. There are some things I will have to write in my letter that are going to be painful to say, but they have to be said.

I have no idea whether they'll be understood, much less acknowledged, though.

I would write something more than this but I can't even think right now, there's this horrible noise outside from someone cutting metal at 8 am. That's got to be the most horrible wake up call ever, and I usually SLEEP at 8 am. Sigh.

Oh, but I did want to paste something short and silly that's Dragonrealms related. Up until yesterday I was hunting in serpents and vipers as Talliska, and at one point I started throwing insults at the serpents:

You exclaim to the serpent, "You malignancy! Die!"
>insult serpent
You exclaim to the serpent, "You pigeon-egg! Die!"
>insult serpent
You exclaim to the serpent, "You viper-licker! Die!"

The last one cracked me up really bad because in the bog that the serpents are, the serpents always fight with the vipers. So it's like "oooo, burn!" (The insults are random, btw. So that's why it amused me.)

In terms of training Talli is almost circle 32... I know, I'm slow. But I've been trying to even out a lot of my survivals at 100 ranks. I was able to reach over 100 with evasion, perception, hiding, foraging, skinning, scouting and swimming. :O I'm working on getting climbing and stalking there now.

The more important thing is that I FINALLY earned the Ranger title, which needed additional requirements beyond reaching circle 30.

and now noise is gone, and I really need to go to sleep. *thud*