Woo! Outing!

Friday was my day to get out of the apartment for a while. Jon and I walked the whole distance to the mall, that was nearly an hour walk, but great exercise! Kinda tired me out, though, going all that way without even eating beforehand. :x

I almost bought a pretty dress on sale (it was really cute ;.; this kinda offwhite, with brown and burnt orange leafy patterns. I really like those colors on me.) But instead I went and got Final Fantasy Tactics Advance 2 for the DS. Does that make me a total dork, choosing video games over fashion? PROBABLY! :D

I came back and played some PSU (it was a lil late though, like 12 am) which was fun, since I haven't played in like 2 weeks. ;.; And then I talked to sis on Skype a bunch while training Talliska in swimming, skinning and combats. We had a nice conversation about various things. Nothing stressful, really. Work, games, etc.

And nothing at all about a certain person that tends to cause me trauma and worry when mentioned. It's weighing on me a lot, the idea that I'll have to write a letter explaining why I want him to leave me alone. How to summarize that properly? How to put all those years into words that will convince him it's better to leave me be?

Really, the bottom line is it's as close to disowning a family member as I can get without calling it that. Of course, "disownment" seems more appropriate when it's an older family member disapproving of a younger and then casting them away from the family. For me, it's not even disapprovement, so much as a desire for a freedom and emotional growth that I know I cannot get while I still feel obligated to answer to him.

Certain others still wish I could somehow reconcile with him. Or that we can at least talk once in a while, have SOME sort of communication or connection, however small. But the whole idea of that is completely alien to me. I never felt anything but fear, obligation and a vague discomfort towards him (the last particularly when he *did* try to be nice to me). I saw him as the disciplinarian who would judge my every action and have no mercy for my faults or anxieties.

I never once thought he could be changed, or that if he acknowledge what he did to us, things would be better. It never changed and I'm not going to wait for the slim possibility that it will. He is just, by nature, a person I will never be able to get along with, whom I will never be able to separate from the lofty expectations, stern criticism and raging impatience I have experienced with from at various times. I want different things in life from him; I aspire towards a different definition of success.

Is it so terrible to want to be left alone? Do I have the *right* to ask for that? Or am I really the ungrateful child, the fool who "never listens" and "runs off" to an uncertain future?

My thoughts on this are multifold:
1) if he wanted a slave, he should have gotten one instead,
2) I never asked to be born, and would rather die than be a burden,
3) if he disliked the way I am or behave or whatever else, he should have gotten rid of me first.

A part of me still struggles with the obligation of course. I feel much obligation to those whose work and money have allowed me to live. The problem with this is, I so often did not enjoy my life. Many times, I've wished it was over. I only really enjoy myself, today, when I'm ensconced in my little creative worlds... playing games, RP, writing, what have you. I go outside and I'm afraid of the world out there, and who neglected to teach me in my young, crucial years, to be confident and stand up for myself?

But I don't want to spend my life pointing fingers and affixing blame. Whoever is at fault is a moot point now. I need no vindication, no apologies. I just want to move on, to be unshackled by my past, to minimize negative influences in my life. It's just reality that HE has to be one of them.