Sunday -- a vague account of my feelings.

Yesterday made me rather grumpy.

It's not even anything in particular. Just things that are slowly starting to wear at me emotionally.

Various conversations.
RP issues.
Stuff.

I can't say much detail here... there's personal things involved. In at least one case it's someone fairly close to me.

But I will say I'm considering leaving a game. I realized I put myself into a position in which I'm playing something I don't want to play in order to save face. At least I know it's not because I want to torture myself.

Still, it could lead that way if I'm not careful.

The more I've thought about it yesterday and today, I'm just... realizing that my tolerance for being a doormat is dwindling, I guess. I just lack the proverbial balls sometimes to catch it early enough when I'm putting myself in a bad position. Or maybe I'll catch it beforehand but not do anything about it.

It's always for the same reasons, too. Usually cause I'm a wuss and don't want to hurt people, or be hated or ridiculed. It USED to also be because of "wanting to fit in" but I finally let go of my teenage angst at the beginning of this year. :P (Mostly. I still get pangs of bitterness now and then. =_=)

What I fear more than anything, I think, is that people will point out the flaws I already know I have and am self-conscious about. For example: I do have a tendency, at times, to get too much into my characters. Not so much with NPCs and other charas that aren't mine, but my own characters can be very personal to me, and what happens to them can very deeply affect me. I'm sensitive about that, because I should be mature enough to separate myself from my character, and so on and so forth. I don't want to be told I'm a bad RPer because sometimes, I just can't, or I find certain types of RP uncomfortable OOC.

I mean, there IS a certain amount of distance I can put between myself and my character. I don't literally think of everything they go through as what I'm going through. There are just certain things I dislike to play, at least not unless I REALLY trust a person.

It's usually things that trigger me badly in RL. Pretty much anything abusive or demeaning, I just... don't trust anyone to handle except maybe 2-3 people I know. I'll write plenty about abuse, my own or imagined scenarios, but playing it with others can be disturbing when I don't know what motivates the desire to play an abuser, or the abused as the case may be.

There's some people who do it purely for the lulz, which... doesn't appeal to me at all. (I'm not particularly sadistic.) There's others who do cause they are fulfilling some urge that I don't particularly want to be helping to fulfill. That depends on personal preference -- I may not like the urge myself, or I may think it an unhealthy one to mess with.

Myself, if I play or write characters in abusive or demeaning situations, it's ultimately catharsis. Thus I prefer to do it when I have some creative control over the whole thing -- assuming, of course, I'm thinking straight. That's not always the case. *sigh*

Anyway, I'm now in a bit of an uncomfortable situation that I may very well just ignore until it goes away, even though what I REALLY should do is just be honest. I'm just too much of a non-confrontational person, besides the fact I just plain don't like the hostility and criticism I may get. Maybe one day I'll be smarter and more courageous and... you know, get it right the first time around? :P But not today.