Bad news, depressiveness, bleh.

Well... the bad stuff is more personal. I'm going to play it safe and just call it family problems. Also involving money.

It got me very, very upset though, and pretty much screwed me for getting ANYTHING ready for Soul Collectors, and I ALSO have to run ED tomorrow. So I'm... not sure what's going to happen with SC now. Jon keeps insisting I shouldn't run, but I REALLY, badly don't want to cancel.

I mean, it just feels even WORSE to cancel a game that only runs EVERY OTHER WEEK. *sigh* I am made of fail... I mean, wtf. Should have stuck to finishing it earlier instead of procrastinating / working on other RPs. Needless to say, I'm just going to run it anyway. I just feel *obligated* to. Going to mean a very sleepless Friday.

I WOULD have done all my SC prep on Thurs, though, if I didn't find out this oh so wonderful news. I'm just... eh. Not going back home any more. I've pretty much decided I don't want to ever return. Ever had someone insist on giving you charity, then go and yell about it when you actually deign to USE said charity, but not in the way he would've liked you to? Except he doesn't go and tell Jon or me... no, he just goes and yells to others, gripes about our decisions and tries to ask THEM questions about us they wouldn't really know how to answer, anyway.

Jon and I are pretty much cutting off that crap now. That bit of charity is done with -- I'm not going to go on using it (as rarely as we do) if he thinks we are irresponsible with it, but doesn't tell us directly. I completely and utterly do not believe he understands or has sympathy for my condition. He doesn't and will never understand what it means to be depressed, and I'm not going to stick around waiting for him to get it. I really think he just sees depression as an illness that just... gets better the way physical ones do, and can't understand that the human psyche varies with every person. It can take some people a long time to overcome, especially when the expectations and criticism and intimidation tactics that trigger my lack of self-worth are still being employed.

Technically, though, I heard about it second hand. It makes me upset, and I really just want no more of it. We made mistakes when it came to immigration, and it made it take a longer time than usual. But the idea that I have to suffer the rest of my life for mistakes Jon or I make -- mistakes that we thereafter LEARN from and do not repeat -- is oppressive to me. And as you might imagine, it's not the first time this happens, but a pattern of how things have worked for as long as I remember:

1) Expectations are put on me by family member A.

2) I fall short of said expectations for some reason: I make an honest mistake, I have trouble motivating myself (depression), I'm afraid to do x or y due to my anxieties, I disagree with the expectations or methods I'm being made to employ, etc.

3) I get intimidated, yelled at, put on the spot to explain myself and/or have pointed out exactly what I did wrong and how this makes me foolish, infuriating, impractical, and so on. Emphasis is always on how my actions are at fault and how I can "correct" them.

4) All the while family member B sits by and excuses all of this because it's part of disciplining me to do things right. Doesn't matter if I'm crying or distraught or scared.

End result - I pretty much feel like a stain on the face of the earth and wish that I was either never born, or A would just kill me instead of showing me over and over how I am a waste of time, money and space. And B thinks I should trust that they are supportive of me and my decisions, and accept I have an illness and not just a desire to be irresponsible?

Yeah... right.

*sigh* I really wish sometimes that I didn't even want to live at all. It'd be easier on them if I was gone. The only thing I'd regret is not being able to pay all that money back that was wasted on my existence. You know... I wish they just never offered that money to me at all, and just let me survive or die on my own. I already know I am pretty much worthless, so why even make some attempt to keep me alive? Is it because it's enjoyable to kick me around and know that I'll loathe myself? Some sort of power trip?

Of course, since I can't kill myself that just means I'll find other ways to hurt myself. Twisted as it may be, it's a hard habit to break. Without it, I just end up feeling all of this disjointed guilt I can do nothing about. I just want to say, "come on, hurt me already!"

My self-loathing is this festering feeling inside me, cultivated over many long years of knowing I am a waste of existence and having the proof of that shown to me regularly. How else can I validate my existence unless I am punished, and find satisfaction from the punishment? I can't think of anything that pleases me more. I just wish that he could understand that I realize all of this: that I deserve to suffer for lacking the confidence or motivation or practicality to do things right. I am eternally doomed to failure. I am doomed to be a dependent and a slave. After all, if my true master keeps me alive after all this time, it can only be because he is pleased that I am easily intimidated and used.