Depression continues.

I feel very asocial lately. I've hardly even been going outside (again). I should try to walk at some point tonight... maybe... but I might not get to today *sigh* Just completely lacking energy.

I know I'm hitting another depression phase, all the signs are there. Don't feel like doing anything, don't feel like going outside, don't feel like talking to people. For some reason, though, playing DR and poking around in RPoL games (couple posts a day each, really... nothing big) doesn't count to me as talking to people. I guess it's because I can be fully IC in those cases, or at the least relatively anonymous.

The "why" is probably partly overstressing myself and partly just feeling disillusioned. Oddly enough, around when I said I wasn't feeling lonely, I *started* to feel more lonely. I'm not sure how the hell THAT works.

Thinking about it more, I suppose it's mostly the feeling that I hide so much about myself even to people I get along with. I have certain faces I show certain people, which is not abnormal in the slightest for most, but... it gets tiring, I guess, keeping up which face to show who, and trying to maintain cheerfulness or confidence I don't really feel. It's in those times I don't really feel like I have a kinship with anyone at all. I'm afraid to be totally honest because I may scare off people, or offend them. Even on my journal, I have to be afraid of that.

Looking back at my last couple posts, one might wonder why I suddenly got into the idea of playing Ryshy again, specifically concerning her abuse recovery. Well... I have my theories about that. Ultimately it boils down to the fact I've never really recovered. Not from my depression (because I am always depressed somewhere deep down inside) of course, but also not from other things I allowed to happen.

It comes back to me now and then, usually at its strongest when I'm weakest from dealing with various stressors, or hit with another dark mood, like recently. I get confused sometimes, about what it is I really want -- whether it's me or my depression that makes me want to be abused. And sometimes I just get overwhelmed with the impulse.

I torture myself, in many ways. Sometimes it's enough just to overburden myself until I can no longer think of myself except in terms of what I can give others. I keep giving and giving, perhaps wanting in some way to find a meaning to my life through that, when my real life has thus far been such a failure. But eventually I just break down, and that's what you see now. My mind and body fail me despite my will to continue. I honestly am not sure I want to even be existing right now.

So it's through my characters I live and interact, while I hide away from the world and the people in it.