Further thoughts on abused characters, and Sydrea (TMI)

(I write about some strong sexual themes and abuse in this post, though pertaining more to fictional characters than my RL. Still, might not be something everyone wants to read, so I figured I'd give a warning.)

I've wondered at times why I chose Ryshassa's more abusive parent to be her mother. It's created some... unusual situations, I must say.

Ryshy isn't the first time I've created an abused character. Yes, I realize it can be an overdone theme, but a person who writes about an abused character is often trying to work out or find a cathartic outlet for personal abuse... or so I've found. It's not always the case, but it's as true for me as it could be, I think. That's why I've decided it more appropriate for me to keep such themes to my personal writings, or in this case, one-on-one RP with my husband.

Nina Winland from Reborn Again was actually the first of the abused characters I really wrote about in detail. Hers was a case of domestic abuse from father to mother, and eventually to her when her mother fled. I never thought or really wanted to go into fine detail about how Daniel Winland abused her... that wasn't the point. But it was sexual in nature and she was quite young when it started, ultimately leading to her developing trust issues in matters of love and intimacy.

The Dark Siren was my second character I had the tendency to put into demeaning situations (note how all of those cropped up while I was in my first years of college :P) But hers was less "direct" than Nina's case. The Siren was one of those types who sought sexual intimacy in place of romantic love, either because she thought she didn't deserve the latter, or had a twisted desire to be seen as little more than a sex object. She was, more than once, a victim of unrequited love -- except instead of moving on from her unwilling intended, she either mentally dominated them (Mildain) or stayed anyway in the hopes she could prove herself irreplaceable (Dryst).

Of course, in the end the Siren ended up saved by Kazuki (after some trials and tribulations that also involved Kazuki losing his previous name, and becoming crippled... hmm, why is this such a familiar theme? :D) There's a happy ending for all that, so that's why the Siren today can be my more well-balanced and personable face. Mildain even stayed in the Tower Between Worlds, as the Grey Knight and commander of the Tower Guard.

And now I have Ryshassa... well. I've told the story of her creation before. I just never expected her to "stick" as long as she has. I think that the whole concept of Dragonrealms' empathic healing really struck me as something I could relate to. Physically taking the pain of others... it's both a meaningful sacrifice and a masochistic tendency, depending on who you ask. It provides a way to both do harm to oneself and aid others at the same time. For one such as myself who very often puts more value on others than herself, it fit remarkably (and frighteningly) well.

So it isn't much of a surprise that Ryshassa became the bearer for my own emotional burdens as well. But... back to my original musing: well, I suppose that I had already used the father as abuser theme before, and wanted more of a twist on the theme. That and the Realm -- though generally considered to be more equal opportunity in terms of the sexes -- puts many women in dominant positions of power, while the male leaders are either ineffectual as rulers (Regent Fokuf) or for some reason refuse to take an obvious leadership position (Cathak Cainan). Add on top of that that Cynis's three household leaders are all female (and sisters), and it made the most sense to make Ryshassa's dominant parent a woman as well.

The part that makes me curious is that ever since creating Sydrea, I've had more of a tendency to enjoy lesbian pairings in RP, fiction, comics and so on. I consider myself to be straight, besides having an aesthetic appreciation for the female form (hey, I like my aesthetics! *shakefist*) but I like reading about female/female pairs. Of course, I don't think that constitutes anything odd at all -- after all, plenty of girls out there who like yaoi. And I very much love and appreciate yaoi, but for some reason as of late, yuri has had more appeal to me.

In fact, and this is a not!quite!secret (now that I'm writing it, anyway!) I actually have wanted to *write* yuri pairings. Which makes me a little apprehensive, since I actually know real lesbians? :P I always got that similar feeling with yaoi, like -- I can read it, but writing it makes me feel like a faker. o.O I suppose with yuri I at least have the right *parts* though, that's something... I think.

I suppose I've already implied some lesbian pairings in games before -- and I'm sorry to bring this up in a post about Ryshy's abuse, because Sydrea/Ryshy is definitely NOT a consensual pairing. *shudder* It just seems odd to me, and probably REALLY creepy, that my increased interest in those kind of pairings happened after I gave Ryshy a female abuser.

Now, because I think there's been confusion in the past about what Sydrea really did to her, I will explain here. (This may weird people out. So. Yeah. You know, don't read if you don't want to.)

Cynis Sydrea is a demanding woman, daring and ambitious, and a perfectionist to the highest degree. She both uses and relishes to use people for her own ends, both under the guise that it would aid the Realm, and for the sake of her personal satisfaction in maintaining her insidious (if perhaps ephemeral, in the larger scheme of things) control. She has, let's just say it this way, an Anathema kink -- she wants to lay with Anathema, as much as she wants to control them. Sex, of course, is just one method of control. She is also, as I've said before, uncommonly cruel for a Dynast, even for a Cynis slaveowner.

More than anything Sydrea wishes her daughters to be "worthy" as her offspring. They don't necessarily have to be sexual about it, even, but she thinks it inappropriate of her daughters to be meek or unambitious. Strength, she would say, comes in many forms: some choose physical strength, others social dominance, still others a well-learned mind. Ryshassa just so happened not to show any signs of strength Sydrea would respect -- her only ambition was to heal and help others, which Sydrea thought woefully inappropriate in the cutthroat world of Dynastic society.

Of course, if Ryshassa Exalted a Dragon-blood, Sydrea might have forgiven some of her weaknesses, perhaps even found some means to use her talents for profit or leverage. But she went through the entirety of her primary school years, up until the very end, without Exalting at all. Around when Ryshassa reached her puberty, perhaps 11 or 12 years old, Sydrea decided she would teach her daughter a "lesson", by putting her in a position of subservience where she could, indeed, be employed to service others.

Remember, I said Sydrea is uncommonly cruel. Normally, a born Dynast -- even an unExalted one -- can never lose that status, and can never be sold into slavery. Well, Sydrea never *officially* sold her daughter, but she certainly treated her in every other respect as a pleasure slave. She meant to eventually sell Ryshassa's virginity as a commodity, though, and so forbade her clients from genital penetration. But Ryshassa was taught to please both men and women in every *other* way besides penetration, and in doing so Sydrea forced herself upon Ryshassa regularly and with great relish, using the excuse of "educating" her. In the same optic she often commanded Ryshassa to watch her own mother in the sex act -- with single and multiple partners, male and female -- sometimes even bringing Ryshassa to orgasm in the process.

All of this had quite the confusing impact on Ryshassa's sexuality, to say the least. She developed something of a simultaneous revulsion and intense desire for her mother, and found it difficult thereafter to enjoy sexual activity if it did not include some sort of demeaning aspect to it. As for her virginity... she found it very, very difficult to resist her body's intense desire for penetration, and Sydrea delighted to watch her daughter struggle with that urge while continuing to protect the sanctity of her womb. She *did* resist, though. As much as she feared her mother, she DID keep some semblance of self, and a distant hope that there would be some way to escape or transcend what Sydrea was doing to her.

After that... Cynis Salagin eventually got hold of her, and forcibly took her virginity anyway. Ryshassa Exalted as a Twilight Solar, and was thereafter saved by Alexsei. Whether Sydrea knew beforehand that Ryshassa would Exalt as Anathema is something I'm still determining. Nonetheless, Ryshy does end up with some respite under Alexsei's care, and works several miraculous deeds as a healer of unsurpassed skill, before she's captured again -- in this case, by servants of the Mask of Winters, sent her way as a "gift" from Sydrea.

That was more detail than I originally intended to give, but this is the background I'm wanting to give for Ryshassa this time around. All of this was already implied previously, but now that her story is in my hands again, I can tweak some of the conditions as I see fit.

All that said, though, I can't help but think of the dangers of this sort of catharsis. It is by nature very personal to me, to write of Ryshassa's abuse and its effect on her, but I also run the risk of losing my own sense of self-preservation in the depiction of it. I'm caught between wanting to express candidly the extent of her suffering, and wanting her to overcome it. So I figure... the process of myself playing through the aftermath of Ryshassa's abuse will, at the same time, coincide with my own recovery from depression. This way, at least, I can proceed entirely at my own pace, and with the safety net of my husband, who will tell me when I'm going too far with my depictions and need to take a step back.