I wrote this while really angry and self-loathing so...

...this is pretty much the worst I can be right now, temperament and personality-wise. I apologize in advance. :P

Okay, so I normally love my husband but right now I could fucking kick him, because he came home with the wrong cable for my new hard drive, after he had to go to the mall and come back because the cable wasn't at the store close by. Yeah. I know it's just a mistake , but I'm too damn pissed to be nice about it. Too many god damn mistakes and frustrations and things going wrong for me to be merciful.

I'm sleep deprived and VERY IMPATIENT right now. I have things to do on other days. I just wanted to finish my file transferring (which I did), get my new drive to install games on, put it in and actually enjoy my computer instead of frothing at it angrily. At this point it's way too late for me to even play PSU with everyone, and my damned webcam only HALF works.

And he goes and finds a way to fuck my night up even MORE. I'm not feeling particularly merciful because he went and poked at me having "too much to do" and "not learning" because I'm just going to get overworked. Yeah, well fucking screw him too! Maybe I just want to fill my time with things to do so I don't feel like SHIT about myself for being a deadbeat, which is pretty much what occupies my thoughts when I'm NOT busy.

Geez. Sometimes I wish I was more self-sufficient. I'm going to end up a fat housewife for the rest of my life at this rate, ranting about my husband not doing things right that *I* should be going out and doing myself. Yeah! Somewhere in a fantasy world where I actually have my car back and can drive myself to a store, actually ask for the RIGHT cable and come back home.

Oh wait, but because I wish that it means I have to go back to the States where I have nowhere to go, no health care (because uh, there's not national health care in the U.S.? I'd have to pay it myself, with my NON EXISTENT JOB I'm too afraid to get anyway) and no desire whatsoever to come crawling on my knees to my parents for some handouts. Sorry, no! I don't want to owe them shit! I went through my whole young feeling I owed them, and I really don't want to have to do that any more!

It's like I can't even feel entitled to complain without it meaning I should return to the U.S. If I thought I could make it there, I'd go right now! Not like Canada really wants me, what with the waiting and waiting and WAITING for my residency! I'm expecting them to just turn around and send me right back! WTF... why not just shoot me instead? Go use my body to fertilize some farmland or something, I'm more useful in the dirt anyway!

(And by the way, I did it twice today, I went and indulged in my masochistic perversions that I couldn't get in RL anyway because I'm too ugly to be even remotely attractive! woo~!)

The only reason I don't even count as a housewife is because I could be arsed to do any chores. Actually, I could be arsed to do most anything besides my web projects and roleplaying projects. So I'm not a housewife, which can be a worthy profession for people who actually WANT TO BE ONE (hey you, there are people who don't! and yes, calling them a housewife when they're struggling to be something besides that is unsympathetic and cruel!)

BUT, I'm a deadbeat. And I'm tired, miserable and fucking upset now.

I said to Karen we could talk but I REALLY just want to go to bed. x.x I hardly slept at all and I am tired at staring at my disgusting bloated belly. (I hate my period, but I hate my failing at weight loss even more. Why do I suck?!)

I'm totally just... nodding off. Going to crawl into bed now.