Today's insomnic musings.

Wooooo I'm up at nearly 9 am and not sleeping. Grrr damnit. Whyyyy.

I've actually been poking around in Dragonrealms again. Not much, really. I'm just refamiliarizing myself with my scripts and various commands and stuff. Mostly, I have an urge to train Atma up again... I moved her to Ratha, where I hope she can finally earn decent XP from sprites. (Still very, VERY slowly trying to get back to the level she had before I rerolled her. =_=)

Also, I did something silly and started posting in a couple places for Soul Collectors players. I don't actually expect any responses due to the tons of caveats and criteria I put in, though. Heh. I'm so spoiled when it comes to my RP cause I just can't play without tons of written detail any more. I get bored with oneliner type chat games, they're so... bland.

Not even sure I'm good with forum RPs. I'd probably end up forgetting they exist half the time. And then there's Livejournal RPs, which are an entire different animal for me and intimidate me a bit. They tend to be very relationship focused, too, and I tend to be uncomfortable playing ships with people besides my husband. The reason is that I just can't write one of my characters in love or lust without becoming too emotionally involved, and I don't feel safe doing that with anyone but Jon.

Of course, there are exceptions. As I've said before, I don't mind playing a NPC in love with a PC, in one of my own games. Playing Milena/Elyssa doesn't bother me at all, for example. I can achieve a certain emotional detachment because I'm RPing a character that Kraken originally made up (Elyssa is one of Milena's allies) and not one I created myself. I can even play an NPC I've created myself in love with a PC, if I haven't already imagined some person they are already in love with. It's all about distancing -- and if I'm the ST/GM/whatever, there's likely hundreds of NPCs around, so there isn't really time for me to bond with just one.

So I don't think that the problem is that I've limited the scope of my writing about love and relationships to what I experience with Jon. I draw a lot of inspiration from observation, actually, so my own personal experience is just part of it. And I can write about couples I've created myself, on my own. I just fear being taken advantage of in some way, or allowing myself to fall into something unhealthy, if I get too attached to one of my characters (PCs, again, not NPCs) and they fall in love. It's fine when it's Jon, but others...? Risky ground, IMO.

Man, I just wish it was easier for me to find RPers that fit with all my weird quirks. Like, I can't just get ANY person to play in my games, because I have such low self-confidence that I want people to be understanding if I post slow or cancel a game due to anxiety. Then I have to worry about the details thing, because I don't want to be stuck in a RP that's more like a RP chatroom than a narrative story (which I prefer). THEN there's things like houserules that I've written which I'd prefer to use (i.e. my Ex2 houserules, for Soul Collectors) but people might disagree with or outright protest.

And if I'm looking to join a game as a PC, I also have to consider not wanting to RP love/sex (or at least being insecure about it), wanting to have things in common with the players besides the game ('cause I want to make friends, too) and so on.

Just... too many layers of criteria. *sigh* I think it's just an extension of the fact I have trouble making friends in the first place. I even have trouble KEEPING them because I can be notoriously hard to reach, especially in a moment like this where I'm just so worn out I want to just think about myself for a while.

Ah well. :/