Tired... meh... (rambly post)

I'm all sore and sleepy... I swear, I don't think my body can get used to waking earlier than 2 pm for some reason. That'll be a problem when I go back to college, I think... well maybe by then it'll be fixed, I dunno.

Yesterday we went shopping at the nearby mall with my sis. None of us really bought all that much, actually. Just a couple articles of clothing. My sis spent most of the 6 or 7 hours we were there mostly waffling about what to get (not unexpectedly!) Heh, I wish I could be that picky. I'm overweight so it is harder to find clothes I really like that fit me. So it made me a little bit... aggravated, I guess, because I saw *plenty* of stores with clothes I would have loved to buy if I was a more reasonable size.

Though, now that spring is finally coming around, I'm actually getting more in an exercising mood. God... this winter was horrible for me. The snowfall was at a record high, so I spent so many days stuck inside, and I never had my car in ALL those months. It's only added to my depression, really. I mean, I don't LIKE being fat. Who does?

I'm not a very glamorous person -- I could give a shit about the latest fashion trends, and I absolutely loathe wearing makeup (blech, I'd rather keep my face natural) and doing my hair tends to be more of a chore than a desire (which is why I like short, easily manageable styles). BUT, I still think myself fashion-conscious in the sense that I love to put together outfits that express my personal style. I have a rather eclectic style, I think... I mix and match things I've bought over the years. I really like wearing outfits with interesting patterns and contrasting color combinations -- usually paired with black. Or I'll wear *all* black sometimes, since that little goth inside me never really died. ^^; I like wearing short (not TOO short) skirts more than long ones, because they look better on my lack of height. I'd die to own a corset belt, adore socks (preferably knee- or thigh-high) and stockings and hats and scarves (not necessarily *winter* scarves) as accessories, and find asymmetrical styles appealing to the eye.

Actually, if I were to describe myself fashion-wise, my taste is probably most similar to characters like Sanahra, Miral and Vermillion, who all have their own way of standing out fashion-wise while maintaining a certain elegance. I suppose if I had the body for it, I'd go for Atma's or Nahia's sporty cutoffs-and-halter top kind of style during the summer, too. Man, if I could be thin enough to dress like I used to... ;.; I'd want to go out all the time, rather than sit inside all day. Maybe I'd even have the courage to cut my hair even shorter (I'm nervous to get haircuts around here because no one can understand what I want. *sigh*)

I'm hoping Montreal will be better. At least going to college will give me somewhere to be, and I'll have access to the gym in Concordia and that'll give me a place to exercise in the winter. Not to mention the college also has underground passageways to make it easier to move between buildings. The city's got subways, too, and if I really want the freedom to go where I wish, I SHOULD have my car back. I hope. God damn, I really hope.

I feel a little bad to say this but I'm actually a little worn out having a guest... It's not because I dislike my sis, in the slightest, but I'm probably not a very good host. I like to sleep and wake up later, for one thing. And I'm lazy so I don't really care to keep up with cleaning up around the apartment except for keeping things sanitary (i.e. I'll throw away garbage, and consider it a good idea to clean dishes regularly, but I don't really give a crap about leaving clothes on the floor, for example.)

I also think that I can't do much for her. We're very different people and I think living in very different places has only emphasized that. There are things she endures that I would've given up on by now, for example.

Usually, though, I am more of an empathetic person -- as in, I seem to have an aptitude for sensing what upsets a person or what they really want. Of course, that doesn't always mean I make the right decision with how to treat them, because I can be quite irrational at times. But generally I at least have a good idea of how to give a person distance and what to say afterward that won't rattle their nerves... unless the person is already biased against me. (There are some people I know of that would never be my friend again. I've made some dumb mistakes that I don't think can be rectified. But then again, incompatibility is something empathy can't solve.)

The Bay Area is a very different place than Quebec. As much as I'm hindered by the language difference, moving away was better for me. I could never have fit in there... I am not a person with a great deal of career ambition. Here, if I could live on 30k a year with my husband earning a comparable salary, and our creative projects now and then bringing in more cash, I'd be happy. I don't care about earning 6 figures, I don't care about buying tons of gadgets and status symbols, and I certainly don't care about maintaining appearances beyond what *I* think is attractive. I'd be fine living in an apartment, and if I DID want a house, it'd be cheaper here than over there. (I don't imagine myself actually owning a house till my 40s... mostly because I've started out on my own fairly late. That's what happens when you're raised to be afraid of making your own decisions because anything that disagrees with father's practicality is derided or punished.)

As far as I know, too, it'll probably be easier for me to get a job in Montreal. Especially once I get my degree, and start taking French classes (I intend to start learning it, along with getting my degree, when I move). Certainly it'd be better than the Bay Area, where there are too many programmers and engineers. I actually think the worst part of getting employed will be my lack of confidence and motivation, and the fact I've been neglecting my social skills a LOT because I've been a hermit here for 3 years.

It's a lot to overcome, and I'm still pretty intimidated by it. But at least I have 3-4 years (this is counting the year of leeway I'll have before I have to pay my loans) to make it, and I'll have therapy, too. I hope I can make it without breaking down. My dream is just to be autonomous, really... that would be enough for me. I guess that's what separates me from the typical Bay Area ambition.

But I hope I don't end up enslaved by my work. I'd like the sort of job where I can come in, work, and come back home and NOT be bothered by work. I'd like to have a 5 day week. I'd like to be able to arrange vacation time. Honestly, I'd be even happier if I could work from home... that would probably be the MOST ideal situation. I suppose I can't afford to be TOO picky, though. So I can only hope I will build enough courage and motivation in the years I have left. *crosses fingers*