Today's musings.

Well, my sis is still sick. So she's been staying inside. :( I feel bad for her, getting sick on her one vacation week.

Jon and I went out to get some groceries and medicine. I got some exercise so that was good. I feel a little better today than I have in a while... but certain topics still set me off. Usually things about work, money or my dad. All of those things have come up at various times due to my sister's own situation with work lately, and of course talking about life back in the States.

I've been emailing my new acquaintance lately... she has some interesting things to say, and I think that it actually cheers me up simply to know I'm not alone in some of the things I feel or have been through. Her last email was quite encouraging for me to read, because of that.

I feel a little bad because I don't have anything helpful to say in return. I mean, I've never figured out a surefire method to stop my degrading fantasies. I know some things that have worked, but they don't always work. :/ I don't think I will have a permanent or at least highly successful solution until I can control my self-hatred, though. I'm pretty sure the fantasies are directly related to how much I loathe and want to "punish" myself for my failures in life.

It's taken years for me just to come to that realization, though. So I'm sure it will be a long time before I can actually control that impulse -- both the fantasies and my tendency to blame myself for everything that goes wrong in my life. Maybe going back into therapy again will hurry things along, but I can't really be sure. It's tempting to look at therapy as my ultimate salvation, but I know there are plenty of people out there resistant to treatment for depression. The pills become more of a dependency and the psychotherapy sessions just... don't get anywhere. I don't really want to be dependent on drugs :/

But I don't know yet whether it'll help or not. I haven't tried again in years. There are many therapists out there, after all, and many antidepressants and support groups too... so... somehow or another I'll have to luck out and find a workable solution. I hope.

At the very least, being more self-aware helps a lot. I mean, I can't control all my impulses, but at least I know I HAVE them, and I have Jon to remind me of that when I don't remember. It's a hard job to be married to a depressed person. I worry about it sometimes... I wonder if he might end up needing therapy just because dealing with me on a daily basis can mess with how he perceives our relationship and his ability to help me. He often thinks he is the one triggering me and that I'd be better off leaving him if that's the case.

Well, anyway, I should probably stop rambling and get back to my sis. We just finished watching Office Space and now sis is going to show us some Noir (the anime). I've been wanting to watch it for a while 'cause Selina seemed to like it so much. So I'll write some more later!