I dislike this time of day... (insomnic rambling)

It's about 7 am, and I know I should have gotten to sleep like... 3 hours ago. I was in bed for almost that long, though. Usually I'm talking to Jon, or we're playing games on PSP or DS in bed, or other bed-related things.

But eventually it gets to the point Jon is getting sleepy, but I'm not. I know that eventually I'll be left with my own thoughts when he goes to bed.

Sometimes he rubs my back, and it helps me get to sleep. Other times, like now... I just don't sleep. I get back out of bed. Usually I end up poking around on the 'net or writing a journal entry. That's why a lot of my most thoughtful and revealing entries tend to be in the early morning.

I wish I could just go to sleep, though. But there's just too much in my head to think about. Here's some of it (note: the TMI part is towards the end.)

1) I was talking to someone today about "being too nice."

What is "being too nice"? It's when you feel you are wronged, annoyed or upset in some way by the behavior of another person, but you just let them continue as they are without reprimanding them or letting them know how you feel. Conversely, you may speak a little bit about your feelings, but never really persist when they seem not to understand or listen, thinking it too much trouble to continue, that your feelings are not important enough to press about.

I'm not criticizing this behavior. I've done it before, myself. In fact, the person I talked to has had a VERY similar upbringing to me, and it got me thinking: there's something frightening about the way we were brought up, that produces people who would -- in some cases -- rather bear things uncomplainingly and suffer in silence, than insist that their feelings ought to be acknowledged. "It's better this way," we might say. "I'd feel more guilty if I hurt the other person by saying how I really feel." Or perhaps we'd make excuses. "They didn't really mean to hurt me... they probably mean well!"

Ultimately, this can lead people like us to be easily manipulated into doing what others want us to do, while blaming ourselves for (or simply feeling apprehensive about) even thinking of complaining. This is, in my opinion, blatantly unfair. I think a person who cares about you would take your feelings into consideration without intentionally bringing in guilt ("after all I've done for you...") or threats ("if you do x, I'll take y from you") into the equation. Otherwise... maybe it's time to consider they don't really care. :/

Another related issue is when people say hurtful things and hide behind their "ignorance" -- "oh, I thought it'd be funny." "I didn't mean any harm, so don't take it so seriously." The intention is one thing, but if you truly do insult a person and aren't meaning to, shouldn't you apologize for the misunderstanding? To me, that's only proper. But not everyone would agree.

2) I think there are different types of intelligence in the world, and every type ought to be treasured in some way -- not just the type that produces a person with a stable job.

3) I've been thinking lately about the idea of separating a creator from what they create. Say, for example, you hear a particular song, and it's catchy... you rather like it, and listen to it while commuting or working out or relaxing at home. You get a decent amount of enjoyment from this song, and you even listen to it with friends, who all enjoy it to some extent (and in some cases, even more than yourself).

Then you find out more about person who wrote that song, and realize he or she is not someone you like or identify with. Maybe she is irreverent or rude, or he holds beliefs that directly clash with or contradict your own. Maybe her mannerisms are a pet peeve to you, or you realize his taste in music (besides this one song you liked) is distasteful. It could be a lot of things, or even just one really strong thing that sours your impression of the composer.

Does that diminish your enjoyment of the song at all?

I should be able to say "the song is good, so who cares who composed it?" I know that is the rational way of things. I think I am hampered by the fact that for me, the creative process is always something very personal. What I create, whether it's music or anything else, says a lot about who I am. So for me, there is no real separation between myself and my creations -- they are an extension of me, an expression of my feelings and opinions, an interpretation of my personality. It's not like that for everyone, though, so for me to judge others' works by that standard is, at the very least, unfair.

Oddly, it reminds me of an episode of Growing Pains... that 80's-ish sitcom? Haha. I know, this is random, but there's an episode where one of the younger characters goes to a concert of a band he really admires. He gets backstage passes, but the guys totally stiff him and are generally asses about it. The kid is hurt and offended, and at first vows to throw all their records away -- but the dad comes in and says, "Hey, what you liked was the music, not the person. So you should still be able to enjoy the music regardless."

I used to get annoyed by that episode a lot. Because if I was that kid, I would have sworn off that band, given how they behaved. :P On the other hand -- this could be rather hypocritical. I mean, would I stop listening to Diamanda even if she stiffed me and treated me like crap? I'm not sure. I would probably excuse it to the fact she probably wasn't in the mood to socialize or thought I was some sort of groupie. So... I'm rather indecisive about this point.

4) [TMI ahead -- topics concerning my own sex life and fantasies.]

On defining sexual masochism as a paraphalia: here's a page by a masochist who seems to be an activist against the persecution of her 'slave' lifestyle.

Also a quote I've seen on multiple sites (from the 1994 DSM-IV): Diagnostic criteria for sexual masochism.

And another page, taking info from the 2000 DSM-IV-TR: Healthnet 's page on sexual masochism.

I usually end up poking around websites about this topic whenever the desire comes up to fulfill my masochistic urges, and my husband is not awake. I think there is a world of difference between the D/s situations he and I roleplay and the kind of humiliating and sometimes brutal imagery I seek when he is not around.

One thing that people may have misunderstood about me in the past is that I am against sadistic or masochistic behavior during sex. I'm aware there's plenty of people out there into BDSM (whichever combination of letters fits best :P) and plenty of proof that such activities can be enjoyed in a safe, controlled environment. So I don't have anything against it -- when it's between consenting partners who are aware it is purely fantasy, and derive no lasting physical or psychological effects afterwards.

Why am I so particular about defining what is "safe"? Because I know what it means to dive past the line of safety... to dwell on sexually masochistic fantasies with the intent of harming oneself, whether that harm is physical or (in my case) psychological. Every decent definition I've read of sexual masochism as a paraphalia (as in, a condition that ought to be treated psychologically) includes obsessive fantasizing as a criteria, even if those fantasies are never acted upon. The clincher is that the fantasies must lead to an undesired impact on one's social life, self-image or sexual drive.

For example, a person who finds they cannot reach orgasm without some hint of humiliation during the sex act is considered a sexual masochist in the harmful sense. I am one of those people -- not ALL the time, but enough that it is noticeable, and disruptive. Usually it's in times of greatest stress that I am unable to feel pleasure except when imagining a situation in which I am degraded and humiliated during sex. I have even, in the past, imagined such scenes while having sex with my husband, who would never, by any means, rob me of my dignity in that way. (He understands my need to be sexually submissive, but his dominance manages to be both forceful and gentle, in a way, and very attentive to my needs.)

I think that Jon is the main reason why I don't just go and find people online to roleplay self-degrading sexual situations with -- or god forbid, look for people to act them out with me in RL. Besides the fact he just plain wouldn't LET me any more, no matter how I say "it's what I want", I am just too monogamously loyal to him to want to cheat on him. I think doing so would destroy me the way it nearly did Ryshy... it'd be like giving up one of my most sacrosanct beliefs in order to demean myself. It wouldn't be purely for the pleasure of it, the way it is for people who enjoy multiple partners.

I mean, sure. I derive pleasure from the mere thought of being abused or taken advantage of. But that pleasure lies. I actually want the pain, and it's not just a roleplayed thing. I want myself, personally, to suffer. And this sick part of me finds it desirable.

That feeling's come up a lot lately. So, I write about it a lot lately. I ...don't know whether I'd actually want to tell a therapist about it, though. I wouldn't want it to be misunderstood, and be discouraged from the healthy submissiveness I enjoy with my husband (and actually, dominance, too. I am more of a switch, with him, though depending on my mood I may feel more dominant or more submissive for a particular length of time.) So I'd probably just stick with the depression part for a while, since it's something I'm pretty sure I have and want treatment for.

...okay, I think I've rambled enough that I'm sleepy. Time for bed. At 9 freakin' AM. =_=