My Valentine's Day (a bit mushy, and long).

Wooooo, I had wine. (It was red, of course... a merlot.) Mmm. I totally don't hold my alcohol well. But, I still feel good.

We splurged and went to a really, *really* nice steakhouse called Charbon, not very far from where we live in Old Quebec. This place has the *perfect* ambiance for a romantic date. :O Warm (reddish hues) but not too bright lighting, spacious tables and seating... just perfect. The feeling I got from eating there is that they are a high class restaurant, but there isn't an elitist attitude to it, as if you have to be a certain KIND of person to get ideal service. Customer service and comfort is as highly ranked as their food, which is beyond fantastic.

First, I had an appetizer of foie gras blended with some sort of apple-cinnamon mix. Might sound odd, but I wanted to try something I've never eaten before, and it was really good on the fruit bread they served it with. I liked it. ^^ And for the main course, I ate one of the best steaks I have ever had in my *life*. Mine was a prime rib cut that was heaven for a meat lover. Just wow. The texture, the flavor, cooked just right (for me, medium)... SO GOOD. I could go on about the awesomeness of the beef at this restaurant, but I'd run out of adjectives. Apparently, their beef is hand picked by gourmet experts, and rank very high (top 8%, something like that) in terms of quality.

Then, for dessert, I ordered a vanilla cheesecake, another slice of pure heaven (but sweeter!) It came with fresh fruits, including those ground cherries that the more expensive restaurants in Quebec serve with desserts a lot. I wanted to eat it all, but I was so very full after eating that huge slab of steak! ^^; I got the next size up after the smallest one so I was bursting at the seams by the time dessert came around. Still, I had over half of it and I sampled Jon's whiskey fudge cake, too. (Very rich and chocolatey... again, amazingly good. ;.; I would have ordered it myself, except that I'd had enough wine and even the little bit of whiskey in the cake might've been overkill for my tolerance.)

I told Jon that Charbon Steakhouse is an ideal place to take a date if you want to impress them. I mean, he and I are married, he doesn't *need* to woo me any more (though surprises like this are always nice ^_^) -- but wooooww. I was so blown away by how the whole experience exceeded my expectations. There are plenty of restaurants in Old Quebec, and Jon and I have eaten at many of them. We often make a point to try a different restaurant every time we go out for a special occasion. And I have to say, this restaurant is the BEST of all of those of its price range I have ever been to.

I think that for me, a restaurant's ambiance is just as important as its food. I'm a person who very much prefers to dine with a lot of private space around me -- especially if it's an intimate dinner, and not a night out with friends (something which I've not done in ages anyway, I have next to no RL friends where I live right now.) Jon and I have gone to restaurants that have excellent food but the seating is too close-packed, and the rooms are too noisy. That completely ruins the purpose I have in eating out with my husband, which is to relax with him and have some quality time away from the computer and the apartment.

Another really important thing for me, especially in winter months, is having a place to keep my coat while I'm eating. I don't like free standing coat hangers, because I don't trust that some random person is going to just make off with my $300 winter coat, scarf, hat and mittens. Hell no. D: Maybe it's because of where I came from, or because I'm a paranoid, non-trusting freak, but I really can't eat comfortably if I'm worried someone will take my coat. So if I can't hang it somewhere I can SEE it, I'll end up sitting with it instead, and end up struggling to find some way to drape all of that stuff comfortably over my chair. Not cool at all.

So I was quite happy because when we went to eat tonight, the restaurant actually had a desk right outside to check in your coat. See, if I'm going to pay over $100 for a meal, they better at least have a proper coat room! *shakefist* I swear, that makes me sound really picky! But honestly, I think the things I'm pointing out are pretty good guidelines in general in choosing a restaurant to impress a date, BESIDES just making for a comfortable and satisfying experience dining out. :D

It's been a learning experience for both of us, figuring out what conditions we prefer in a restaurant (though, the "we" could probably be replaced with "I", because I think I'm a lot more exacting and opinionated, while Jon is more likely to quietly endure.) I actually think of it as an adventure, dining out together every now and then. We've eaten at many different kinds of places, from the mundane to the extravagant. Sometimes it's hit and miss, but I've enjoyed trying many different cuisines and locales, and I actually think it makes me more "worldly", so to speak.

I guess that's how I want to experience life from now on, though. Ever since I left home, I've been experiencing many things by the seat of my pants, just figuring out my tastes and preferences by trying them first hand. Back with my parents, I was discouraged from trying things without extensive research and knowledge about what I'm getting into beforehand. Worrying too much about making mistakes or taking risks makes life very boring and frightening. I'm not saying it's bad to be at least a little bit cautious. But TOO MUCH of it can paralyze you to the point you'll only stick with what you know will work... and that is the bane of new experiences and new life lessons to be learned.

I guess marriage itself is kind of an adventure for me, in the same respect. Same with moving here to a new country. I don't think that I've made all the best decisions, but I couldn't have known they were good or bad for me until I did them. There's no way to really predict that. Just like I can't be absolutely certain whether I'll make it into Concordia, or whether Montreal will fit my lifestyle better, or whether I'll even have the motivation in me to finish college. I can have a good *idea* of it -- I'm fairly sure I can get into Concordia, for example -- but there comes a point when research and questioning things is no longer going to supplement real life experience.

One thing I have to remind myself is that I have to stop beating myself up over the past. Yeah, I made mistakes. Yeah, I wasted time and money. But I can't go back and fix that any more. I can only learn from it and move on, and use that experience to make better decisions, and build my confidence from there on. Unfortunately, it's a lot easier said than done for me, because I have a strong impulse to blame myself and really drive myself into the ground for doing things wrong. Punishment is something I feel I've been trained to expect when I mess up, to the point that if no one else is there to punish me, I'll fill in the job. Otherwise, I'll feel excessive guilt because my mistake was not rightfully reprimanded.

This is wrong and unhealthy. And it's taken me years, all these 3 years I've been away in Quebec, to REALLY understand that. It's taken a lot of effort from Jon, in particular, who's been insistent on his message even if it gets me angry sometimes. He NEVER let up on me about the rape fantasies, for example -- he told me he believed it was bad, not because I was having fantasies, but because these particular ones were both self-destructive and VERY unlike me morally, given normal circumstances. I got so PISSED at him sometimes. But in the end, I had to concede that he was right about me all along.

It was even more difficult when he got angry about me about how I behaved with certain other people, especially of the opposite sex. He knew very well it made him look like an overly jealous and mistrusting husband. And when he allowed me to go through with certain things in RP, it almost gave the impression that he was a cuckold, a weak-willed husband. But he stuck with what he believed, and he stuck with ME because of what he believed -- that I was actually, subconsciously or otherwise, giving up on some of my preferences and beliefs out of a misguided and desperate desire for acceptance.

I can say to these things, "never again." I am going to try my very best to treat myself with more dignity from now on. And for a large part I have my husband to thank for that, for being so stubborn and so caring even when I resist with all of my will, when I'll go so far as to tell him that I hate him, that I think he exists solely to make me feel bad, when he protests about something he believes is hurting me. Sometimes we have terrible fights over these things, and sometimes I feel like I'm better off leaving than causing him any more pain. But I think that he truly loves me. I think I have actually been blessed to be able to know a love that strong and loyal. He truly is amazing... and I hope I will continue to fight off my depression and grow as a person, to be worthy of that love.

Well, I went on a tangent a bit, but that's what's been on my mind this Valentine's Day. And it was a relaxing and overall wonderful day, with a meal that absolutely astounded me. I'm happy. ^^ I wish I could keep this happiness, and carry it with me every day of my life, in everything I do.

One day, maybe I will.